The truth is we all have a desire for someone else to change and there’s nothing wrong with that. The important thing is that we take a moment to reflect and understand where this desire is coming from to make sure our fingers are pointing in the right direction.
What can I learn from the changes I want others to make?
Every time you point a finger at someone else there are three pointing back at you.
We can learn a lot from the changes we want to see other people make. When you find yourself getting impatient or fixated on certain changes you want to see someone else make, it’s usually helpful to check in with yourself first. One of the main–and perhaps the most confusing– reasons I see people harping on someone else to change is something called projective identification.
A simplified version of projective identification is that the tendencies or qualities you dislike and want to change in other people are the same tendencies and qualities you dislike and want to change about yourself.
The primary lesson you can learn from the changes you want others to make is the internal conflict you are trying to resolve.
If someone accuses you of projecting, they are usually suggesting that your complaint has nothing to do with them and is actually a reflection of yourself; “it’s not me, it’s you”. Sometimes this term gets misused unintentionally and sometimes it’s an intentional way to deflect accountability. Either way, “you’re projecting” is probably the last thing you want to hear when you are trying to express your frustrations with someone so it’s helpful to know for yourself what projection is and if you truly are projecting. Plus, even if you are projecting, your complaint can still be valid.
A more formal definition of projective identification is the act of externalizing and transposing internal conflict into interpersonal conflict. Projective identification occurs as a result of splitting–dividing into a “good” and “bad” self or black and white thinking, usually to protect an attachment relationship.
The most common and often unidentified internal conflict is the internal conflict between independence and dependence.
We learn very early how acceptable it is to depend on someone else for our needs to be met. If the message you received growing up is dependence is “bad”, you might have tried to disown that part of yourself or that need. This creates an internal conflict because we are, by nature, social beings dependent on each other for survival. So the result is there’s a part of you that says “I need to be independent” and my independent self is good and a part of you that says “I need help” and my dependent self is bad. These parts are at constant battle with each other, and this battle often operates outside of your awareness.
When any internal conflict is left unresolved, we usually follow the “shoulds”. This means you might have chosen a partner that aligns with your independent self or agrees that your need for dependence is bad. This selection protects you from confronting your own internal conflict UNTIL life hits (your car breaks down, you get sick, you have kids, etc.) and you need help or your partner starts asking for help. The need to rely on each other can stir up a lot for someone who sees dependence either as a threat to their independence (or good self) or a personal flaw (something is wrong with me or my partner if we need help).
If you are unaware of your own internal conflict, your focus will probably become getting your partner to change.
“Why are you being so needy?” “Why can’t you be an adult?” “Stop relying on me all the time.”
Similar examples include the internal conflict between emotionally guarded and vulnerable or strong and weak. The internal conflict between clean and messy or organized and disorganized. The internal conflict between responsible and irresponsible. The list could go on for a while, but you get the idea.
Keep in mind your partner has his or her own unresolved internal conflicts that form some kind of web with yours. In these situations, here are two truths that are hard to reconcile:
- You are projecting. Your partner has embodied your “bad self” and you instinctively reject it.
- You and your partner are both contributing to the problem. As each of you sort through your internal conflicts, your relationship will have to adjust.
How can I reframe my desire for someone else to change as an opportunity for my own personal growth?
Confronting your own internal conflicts and projections is a tremendous opportunity for growth! This can be done either through reflection, individual therapy, or couples therapy. Almost all internal conflicts began as a way to protect an important relationship. A therapist can help you explore the origin of any internal conflict and help you integrate all the “good” and “bad” parts of yourself. While this can be a challenging and painful process, people tend to develop more patience and compassion for the people around them.
Again, there’s nothing wrong with wanting someone else to change. There are absolutely times when your desire for someone to change is not a result of projections or splitting. There are also times when your partner, parent, coworker, or friend really needs to change for their own sake. I am by no means suggesting you stay in a relationship with someone that is harmful to you or compromises your own sense of self or integrity. Staying in a toxic or harmful relationship is not going to foster personal growth. If you’re not sure where to draw the line, therapy is a great place to discuss this.
In every relationship, you have to learn how to manage differences effectively. I’ve talked about this more in a previous blog post, but different does not have to mean at odds. Increasing your tolerance of differences (for people that have earned it) can create a more positive sentiment in your relationships and can greatly increase intimacy between you and your partner. Harriet Lerner, a well-known psychologist and relationship expert says:
“Intimacy is not only about closeness, but rather, the ability to be oneself in a relationship and to allow the partner to do the same. In other words, in a truly intimate relationship, each individual can present all aspects of self and can stay emotionally connected to all aspects of the other without needing to distort, change, or control the other.”
What is the difference between waiting for someone else and procrastination?
Occasionally I’ll see a couple or individual where the relationship’s success or individual accountability is contingent on one person changing. There seems to be an unspoken contract that the “healthy” partner doesn’t have to answer to the “patient” or “problem” partner until the problem partner gets better. For example, “I’ll stop texting other women when you start paying attention to me”, “I’ll stop criticizing you when you stop drinking”, or “I’ll stop shopping so much when you stop working all the time”.
Nobody wins in these arrangements. I read somewhere that if you want to get a divorce and aren’t sure if you should, you should focus only on improving yourself for 6 months. If nothing changes in your relationship, then you have your answer. Purposely absolving yourself of accountability or delaying contributions to a strong relationship until your partner makes the changes he or she said needs to make is setting you both up for failure.
For a relationship to work, both partners need to hold themselves and each other accountable and remain invested in each person being the best version of themselves.
There are going to be times one partner struggles. To me, the difference between waiting and procrastination is the function of waiting and how you perceive the other person’s intent. My idea of appropriate waiting would be waiting for change because you believe in your partner and see that your partner is doing the best he or she can. For example, if your partner does not have a job and needs to get one, this would mean waiting because you trust that he is trying his hardest, not using his unemployment as an excuse to stop helping around the house.
Lastly, sometimes waiting is more due to a game of chicken with vulnerability (not wanting to risk getting hurt or being disappointed). The potential for relationship satisfaction is worth the risk. If you are stuck in your relationship and have resorted to waiting for your partner to improve the relationship, you might be stuck for a long time.
How can therapy help me navigate my relationships?
Therapy can help you identify the changes you want to see in your relationship and help you in the areas you feel stuck. Together you and the therapist can collaborate to create the changes you want to see. This can entail sorting through projections and internal conflict, or helping you create boundaries in the relationships that are no longer serving you. Although you cannot change your partner, your family member, or your friend, you can change how you experience them. There are many ways therapy can help you transform your complaints into opportunities for growth.
Feel free to learn more about the variety of therapy I offer at the links below or contact me directly with any questions:
