In a previous post about balance I outlined how working “full-time” can easily translate to working all of the time. With all of the priorities you juggle each day, it’s easy for your relationship to take a backseat. Within your relationship, it’s even easier for your sex life to disappear. This is partly because stress and responsibility are a turn-off for passion and desire.
The good news is that you don’t have to read every Cosmo article out there or alter your physical appearance at all to rekindle passion and desire. Passion in your relationship and having a good sex life isn’t just about what you do during sex. As Gottman says, every positive thing you do in your relationship is foreplay.
There’s a fine line between passion/desire and love/affection
This is such a complex topic that I think is currently best explained by sex researchers Esther Perel and Emily Nagoski. If I had to boil the difference between passion/desire and love/affection down to one sentence it would be this–passion and desire thrive on novelty and excitement and love and affection thrive on security and familiarity.
How to properly walk that line
Every relationship is a balance between the opposing forces of togetherness and separateness; or me versus we. In these terms, we can think of desire as an expression of separateness (“I want or I crave something outside myself”) and love as an expression of togetherness (“I have or we have something shared”). Esther Perel says the needs for desire and love are diametrically opposed. This doesn’t mean that you can’t have both in your relationship, but it does mean you have to be intentional.
If we are just looking at the moments immediately leading up to sex, this can be a little confusing. For some, love and nonsexual physical affection seem to open the door to desire and sexual contact (what starts as the need for a hug turns into the need for sex). For others, things like cuddling and emotional intimacy are a turn-off. However, when we look at the relationship as a whole, it’s important to understand that what fuels one need doesn’t always fuel the other.
Tips for increasing passion/desire in your relationship
First, what are they?
Desire defined.
I tend to use the terms passion and desire somewhat interchangeably, but they are slightly different. Desire is wanting or longing for something. Generally, we desire something a little out of our reach. We want something far enough away that it’s separate from ourself and desirable, but not so far away that we know we won’t get it or forget about it. For example, studies have shown that people tend to select partners that they would rate at a slightly higher or similar level of attractiveness. Maybe you’ve noticed this in your own life. On a scale of 1-10, someone that rates themselves a 5, doesn’t go for a 10. They go for a 6 or a 7. We do this to increase our odds of getting what we want while still feeling like we’ve caught something exciting.
How desire forms–spontaneously or in response to certain stimuli
The distinction between spontaneous and responsive desire is huge in cutting you and your partner some slack. Spontaneous desire is just as it sounds, a desire that whooshes over you almost out of nowhere. Responsive desire is a desire that builds, like when you drag yourself to a party but then enjoy yourself once you get there. When people think about desire, they are usually referring to spontaneous desire. Yet the expectation of spontaneous desire is a bit unrealistic because people usually have a lot on their mind on a given day and in a given moment.
Passion defined.
Passion is an intense and exciting, if not overwhelming, emotion. I tend to think of passion at the beginning of the relationships as infatuation. It’s that “can’t eat, can’t sleep, over the stars, over the moon kind of feeling”. In fact, studies monitoring brain activity during this state have found that infatuation looks a lot like someone using cocaine. The brain chemicals dopamine and norepinephrine are released and activate the same neural pathways in both situations. So that high you feel when you first start falling for someone is real.
When we think about it this way, it makes sense that our bodies need to adapt and get used to our partner. We can’t spend our lives consumed by excitement for our partners. We have to eat and sleep to survive! Passion is going to ebb and flow in a longterm relationship, it kind of has to. The important thing is to recognize when passion has ebbed for too long and how to recreate it.
Already, we can debunk a few myths:
Myth #1: Desire is spontaneous. There is nothing wrong with you if you aren’t in the mood the second your partner is, and nothing kills desire like the demand for it.*
Myth #2: A lack of passion means my marriage is failing. Nope. It’s bound to happen at certain points in the relationship, and you can rekindle it.
Myth #3: Talking about desire and passion is counterproductive. Understanding how desire and passion operate is essential to generating them.
Ok so back to the original question, here’s how you can increase passion and desire in your relationship:
1. Create the space for desire.
Selfishness is being concerned with one’s own personal pleasure. So desire is an expression of individuality; it’s selfishness in the best way. To be selfish, you have to have a sense of self–a sense of who you are and what you like. Not just during sex, but in all parts of your life.
If you don’t know who you are, you are likely to lose yourself in your partner. And if you lose the separation between yourself and the other, there’s no room for desire to form. Esther Perel says the crisis of desire is the crisis of the imagination. Desire needs room to explore and imagine something new and different. We all have different parts of our identity. Explore them! As my husband says, boring people get bored.
Get interested in yourself. If you are spending all of your time with your partner, spend some time alone or with a different group of friends. Try a new hobby, revisit old ones, fantasize. During sex, you can also try accessing different parts of yourself. If you identify as a control freak, allow yourself to lose control. If you are shy, give yourself permission to be bold.
2. Try something new together.
If you and your partner spend a lot of time apart and only interact at home, you might need to explore together. This could be trying something new sexually but is not limited to the bedroom. If you and your partner are used to seeing each other in the same light, you might need to get out of your comfort zone together. It could be something as simple as seeing your partner in his or her element at a yoga class or going somewhere new together. Netflix and chill might arouse new couples, but it doesn’t seem to do much for couples that have been together for a while.
3. Privacy.
The sexual space you and your partner create together should stay between you and your partner. One reason is so both of you feel comfortable opening up to each other about likes and dislikes and trying new things. The other reason is because mystery is sexy. You want your sex life to be a secluded place you protect and enter together.
4. Know your body.
Get comfortable with how your body looks. I highly recommend this TED Talk by Emily Nagoski where she identifies confidence and joy as the keys to your sexual well being. Nagoski recommends standing in front of the mirror naked daily and identifying the parts of your body you like.
I’d also suggest getting familiar with what feels good if you haven’t already. Practice different strokes and pressure through masturbation. Your partner cannot be fully responsible for your pleasure. If you don’t know what you like in bed, your partner is going to have a hard time figuring it out (and is likely going to lose confidence trying).
5. Be aware of the turn-offs and reduce when possible.
Specific turn-offs (ex. certain phrases and behaviors) vary person to person but generally include anything to do with responsibility (ex. parenting, family, work). Emily Nagoski explains that for sexual touch to feel good–so to experience pleasure–three things have to be present: low stress, high affection, high trust. I know what you’re thinking, “Oh is that all?”. I hear the sarcasm in your thought, and I agree. This is not easy. I would say this might be what we’d spend the most time talking about during couples therapy. Reducing turn-offs is probably the hardest suggestion to implement, but becoming aware of specific turn-offs is a great start.
How therapy can improve your sex life
In addition to exploring all of the suggestions listed above, therapy can help create the safety you need to explore this topic with your partner. Like any part of your relationship, it’s easy to get stuck without the proper context and tools to communicate. Every individual has a unique experience with their sexuality which shapes how you engage with your partner. For instance, a fear of rejection can become a huge barrier to having the sex life you and your partner want. If you need help re-introducing passion and desire in your relationship, please feel free to learn more about me here or email me at info@alexbarnettecounseling.com.
