You don’t have to carry other people’s baggage in the form of guilt and anxiety.
When people come to therapy, they usually don’t start with complaints about childhood. They come because they are overwhelmed by guilt and anxiety and don’t really know why. As we sort through the many layers of anxiety and guilt, there’s usually at least some element of feeling other people’s feelings for them and carrying problems that aren’t theirs to carry.
Guilt and anxiety are often a secondary emotion—meaning they’re in response to another deeper emotion.
For example, if your dad worked all the time and never complained but you feel sad when you talk about him—you might be carrying some of his sadness. Then, in response to that sadness, you might feel guilty for being the reason he had to work so hard. And now—as an adult, you might feel guilty any time you see someone working hard on your behalf.
So instead of saying, “thank you” when your partner tells you what they did for you, you say, “I’m sorry”. Then if your partner accuses you of being unappreciative, that makes you feel extra anxious and even more guilty, and you might even go into shame. You can see how it gets pretty difficult to find the beginning of all of it.
When I say you don’t have to carry other people’s baggage, what I really mean is you don’t have to carry other people’s decisions and feelings for them. Frankly, you can’t—it was never yours to carry.
Truly experiencing that it’s ok to let some of it go takes time and practice in therapy, but here are 2 things you can try to help relieve your nervous system now:
- Imagine offering the “baggage” up to a higher power or giving it back to it’s rightful owner.
- Push a wall, and–as you do–imagine pushing that energy away from you.
Your imagination is a safe and private place to explore, and it won’t hurt anyone :).
Need more help? Email me at info@alexbarnettecounseling.com with questions or to set up a phone consult for therapy.
