In our society, there’s always so much talk about finding happiness and being happy. When we’re living a joyous existence, that kind of messaging might feel uplifting, but when we’re struggling with major changes or growth experiences that same “finding happiness” messaging can make us want to scream. Have you ever experienced that?
What does it even mean to be happy? And should happiness be the goal?
Technically, happiness is an emotion. An emotion is the meaning we assign to the sensations or feelings we initially experience at the physical level. The more familiar we become with certain feelings and sensations, the more familiar we become with identifying emotions. Happy is a pleasant yet fleeting emotion, and happiness is the state of being happy. I use Brene Brown’s definition of “happiness” as outlined in The Gifts of Imperfection–”happiness is attached to external situations and events and seems to ebb and flow as circumstances come and go” (p. 79).
I do not believe happiness should be the goal because it’s not a goal we can directly achieve. Ironically, happiness experts (yes, these exist) have found that trying to get happy tends to have the opposite effect. I am not opposed to optimism, but forcing an emotion and “shoulding” on yourself does more harm than good. I repeatedly tell my clients that all emotions (positive and negative) come and go.
I’ve also noticed that happiness seems to imply a selfish pursuit and, as any perfectionist knows, when we focus on ourselves for too long we lose sight of the bigger picture. We forget that the lows are part of what create the highs. We also forget how good it can feel to contribute to other people’s happiness because we’re too concerned about protecting our own.
Instead of searching for happiness, I’ve always advocated for meaning and fulfillment. What I didn’t realize is that I’ve actually been advocating for joy. Adela Rogers says, “Joy seems to be a step beyond happiness. Happiness is a sort of atmosphere you can live in sometimes when you’re lucky. Joy is a light that fills you with hope and faith and love”. While happiness comes and goes, joy seems more attached to our hearts. When we engage with the world with purpose and intention, joy arises as a natural byproduct.
The challenge is that it’s easier to adjust circumstances than it is to adjust our internal world. When couples and individuals come into therapy, they’re usually looking for external solutions or what they can do. My take is that experiencing joy is less about what you’re doing and more about being cognizant and intentional about ways to cultivate joy every day.
Here a few intentions I’d encourage you to set for yourself to find more joy and happiness in your life:
1. Lower expectations.
Apparently, this is the key to happiness. This might sound pessimistic, but it makes sense. High expectations usually mean added pressure. When there’s a lot of pressure to feel a certain way or meet a certain standard, it’s hard for anything to be “enough”. Think about the pressure that comes with weddings, Valentine’s Day, and New Year’s Eve. The higher the expectation, the farther you have to climb to meet that expectation or the farther you have to fall when you don’t.
Recently I’ve seen more articles debating the good enough relationship. Advocating for the good enough relationship or the good enough partner does NOT mean tolerating being treated poorly or settling for someone you are not truly interested in dating. A more helpful way to interpret the good enough relationship is to have high expectations for how you are treated, but an acceptance that you partner is human. Remember that the way you view yourself is going to affect how you view your partner/relationship and vice versa. If your expectations are too high in either area, you are going to be less satisfied.
2. Let go of comparisons and practice self-compassion.
Comparisons rob us of joy. Even during in-person interactions, we tend to compare our whole selves or our worst selves to a snapshot of someone else. We never really know what someone is going through and that’s ok because it’s not our business. Brene Brown reminds us we should share with people that have earned the right to hear our story.
Scarcity runs deep in comparisons. Success does not have to be a competition. You don’t “win” at being joyful, and there’s enough for everyone. If you spend a lot of time on social media, I’d suggest cutting back. I’d also suggest practicing with this loving-kindness meditation and these self-compassion exercises. Sometimes we need a reminder that everyone is human and everyone is deserving of kindness and compassion (ourselves included).
3. Surround yourself with people that encourage you to feel good about yourself.
From the day we are born we learn who we are from the outside in. We develop our sense of self-based on our parents’ expressed view of ourselves and all of the messages we receive from our siblings, peers, friends, and cultural norms. We internalize these messages to form different parts of ourselves that ultimately shape our identity.
Whatever the origin, we all have an inner critic. When that inner critic goes unidentified or unchecked, it’s easy to feel at home around the wrong people. Even confident and resilient people can become insecure when surrounded by critical or unsupportive people. Even if those criticisms are not directed at you.
During graduate school, I worked full time as a receptionist and went to school at night. For the first time in my life, I was not exercising 4-6x/week or spending much time with friends on the weekend. I neglected the resources that helped me feel good about myself. On top of that, I was surrounded by five or six women all day talking about their diet and exercise habits. Not one of them ever criticized my weight or fitness, but it didn’t matter. When I consistently heard other people’s inner critic, my own started having a field day.
If you notice that every time you are around someone or a group of people you feel bad about yourself, stop spending so much time with them. If you feel like you have to prove your self-worth for someone to be your friend, they are not your friend. Write down the 5 people you see most often. Then write down how you feel around them. We often underestimate the influence of bosses and coworkers and blame our partners instead. When it comes to happiness, surveys have shown that having a best friend at work is more important than the amount of money you make. Lastly, if it’s hard to name 5 people, you might be spending too much time alone.
4. Create internal validation and find joy in the process.
We all want a return on our investments whether that be our time, our energy, or our money. When we focus solely on the reward or the endpoint, we lose sight of all of the growth that’s happening along the way. There are also a ton of small successes to celebrate each day or week that your spouse or boss might not acknowledge. More than likely this has nothing to do with you, it probably has more to do with how busy everyone is (which can also be a painful realization). Of course, we’d ideally get to share our happiness with the people around us, but there are times when only we know how important something is. Create time to give yourself praise. I personally write my small accomplishments down and save them for a rainy day (pictured below). I also set daily intentions. The more I do this the more in control of my joy I feel.
5. How does therapy help us practice these intentions consistently?
Therapy helps you cultivate joy. Beginning at the first session we identify the attempts at joy that are and are not serving you. A lot of the expectations we set and comparisons we make operate outside of our awareness. As individuals become more aware, they learn how to create realistic expectations for themselves and their relationships.
People essentially come to therapy because they want to feel better. To do this, we have to acknowledge the pain. If you’ve shut off your ability to feel pain or sadness, you’ve also shut off your ability to feel joyful. If you’ve disengaged from your partner to avoid being hurt, you’ve also shut off your ability to feel connected and loved. Therapy is a safe space to reactivate your emotions and learn how to cope with them. This process takes time and practice, but it is highly meaningful.
Good therapy does not always have to be about coping with something seemingly negative. It can also be a beautiful space for you to celebrate your wins and discuss your hopes and dreams in a safe environment.
If you’re interested in learning more about the advantages of therapy in Austin, Texas or want to discover how you and I can successfully work together, I’d love to jump on an introductory call with you.
