As someone who’s been a client in both individual and couples therapy and as someone who provides therapy to both couples and individuals, here is something I’ve learned–You are allowed to feel your feelings and express them how you want to. HOWEVER, if you are expressing them in a way that is flooding your partner, you’re not going to get a validating response. Similarly, if your partner gets flooded at the slightest hint of emotion, that’s also a problem.
We use the words “feelings” and “emotions” interchangeably but to get technical for one minute here is a breakdown of how communication works:
Feelings/sensations are a biological experience (heart racing, stomach tightening). When you take inventory of these sensations and label the feeling, that’s an emotion (angry, irritated, sad, lonely). Then you unintentionally or intentionally express or communicate that emotion nonverbally (face and body language) & verbally (words). Sometimes your verbal and nonverbal communication are congruent (crying & saying “I’m sad”) & sometimes they’re incongruent (crying & saying “I’m fine”). Then it’s your partner’s turn to respond.
Now, this is already a lot of information to take in, but to add to the mix your partner has his or her own signals going off AND they’re deciding how the information you’re sending fits in with his or her previous experiences. Previous experiences meaning in this relationship and in previous relationships. The combination of all of this contributes to 1. How much your partner can tolerate and 2. How your partner is going to interpret & then respond to your message.
Here is a little graphic I drew to try to outline the process:
As a couples therapist, there are a few things I look for: 1. Mixed messages 2. Distress tolerance & empathy skills 3. Projections.
All of this to say, feeling your feelings is just the beginning. In a 2 person system (a partnership), things get messy. Both you and your partner have to build a tolerance for your own emotions and each other’s in a mutual and reciprocal way. ❤️
If you would like to know more about couples therapy, you can contact me at info@alexbarnettecounseling.com.
