When it comes to finding therapists in Austin, Texas that matches your personal sensibility, it can occasionally be difficult to weed through all of the “academic jargon” that gets tossed around in the therapy and counseling industry.
As therapists, we go through intensive training and become intimately familiar with certain techniques for helping others safely and securely manage difficult times in their lives. Many therapists forget that while our techniques have been proven effective, our clients are often coming from a place of not only not knowing, but not necessarily even needing to know the academic details behind why certain techniques and theories work.
All that to say, I try and make the therapy and counseling strategies I use as approachable as I can. One method that you’ll often hear me refer to, however, is the Gottman Method and in this article, I’d like to share with you why I feel this is such a special approach to our therapy sessions together by answering a few questions for sake of clarity.
What is the Gottman Method (or what part of Gottman’s work do you utilize in your own)?
The Gottman Method, as I utilize it in my Austin, Texas-based therapy practice, is a research-based and behavioral approach to couples counseling. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have been conducting longitudinal studies on married couples in the Gottman lab since the 1970s. The goal of their research was to see if they could identify patterns of behavior and patterns of interaction that would distinguish between happy and unhappy couples and predict relationship outcomes. My understanding is Dr. John Gottman mostly pioneered the research, and Dr. Julie Gottman (a psychologist) began transforming the research into a therapeutic approach. All of the information in this article is taken from The Marriage Clinic and The Gottman Institute’s website.
Why did you choose Gottman’s work as a basis for your therapy over other available methods?
My approach in working with couples is integrative which means I draw from other theories and methods in addition to Gottman’s work. I use Gottman’s work as a partial basis for my therapy for two main reasons: (1) Research doesn’t lie and (2) Gottman’s work gives myself and couples tangible tools and goals to work towards.
What is the desired outcome of using the Gottman Method?
The desired outcome of using the Gottman Method is to support and repair troubled marriages and committed relationships and to strengthen happy ones. The idea is that there are two necessary staples of marriages that work (1) an overall level of positive affect and (2) an ability to reduce negative affect during conflict resolution. From these two pillars, the Gottmans created the Sound Marital House which is further developed into specific interventions to apply to relationships in couples counseling.
What are some successful case studies or scenarios (without naming names) you’ve seen the Gottman Method work well with?
One of the most helpful concepts in the Gottman Method is the research on diffuse physiological arousal (DPA) and the importance of internal regulation during conflict. DPA is the body’s general alarm mechanism and is typically measured by heart rate or stress-related endocrine responses. Essentially, when the heart rate goes above 100 beats per minute various fight or flight reactions become more likely. When this happens during conflict, partners have a reduced ability to process information and pay attention. The likelihood of de-escalating conflict and responding empathetically or shifting the focus to something else is pretty minimal. Over time, partners become increasingly reactive to each other making it difficult to resolve conflict.
Providing a little bit of education around how our nervous system operates when we’re feeling flooded can be very helpful. Partners are often surprised to learn that when one person is saying he or she doesn’t remember the other saying something, that could be very true. We can’t listen when we’re feeling flooded and if we never really heard something to begin with, we’re definitely not going to remember it.
I primarily use this information to help couples become more aware of their internal sensations and reactions to each other and to reduce reactivity. When couples become accustomed to interacting with each other in a certain way, their bodies start to respond faster to threats and many times this is outside of each partner’s awareness. Part of what I do in couples therapy is slow down the internal and external reactions. Partners get more comfortable voicing when they are personally feeling overwhelmed or when their partner is taking their foot off the gas pedal instead of flooring it. This usually segways into a conversation about underlying emotions which tends to be at the root of most impasses.
Softened start-up? First 3 seconds
Another element of Gottman’s work I use fairly frequently is the concept of perpetual issues. Per Gottman, “Even in the best marriages, while some minor fraction of marital problems do get solved, over time most marital problems do not get solved at all; instead, they become what we call perpetual issues. What turns out to be most important is the affect that surrounds the way people talk about (but do not really solve) these perpetual marital problems”. For perpetual issues, the focus of couples therapy becomes keeping a dialogue about the issues instead of getting stuck in gridlock.
For example, the most common perpetual issue I encounter in couples therapy is one partner being an introvert and the other being an extrovert. This issue usually translates into a perpetual conflict of how much time the couple spends together and which activities the couple wants to engage in on the weekend. Couples that fit this description usually come into therapy looking for better problem-solving skills because they are afraid that having the same issue repetitively means they are not meant to be together. Not the case!
First of all, I would argue that an introvert and extrovert pairing together makes sense and probably benefits both the individuals and the relationship. Two extroverts probably wouldn’t spend much time together and two introverts probably wouldn’t have many friends or get out much (see. Opposites attract)
The trick is helping couples change the conversation they are having about the issue. Couples often find relief in reframing the perpetual issue as an opportunity for growth or at the very least accepting what they cannot change about each other. There has been a lot of research to validate that introverts and extroverts might actually be wired a little differently. Regardless, couples therapy is more effective when we are learning how to manage differences instead of trying to eradicate them. Sometimes this means learning how to disagree and how to make sacrifices in the name of the relationship. You don’t have to be on the same page all of the time. Personality differences will come up many times over the course of a long-term relationship and that’s ok. What’s more important is learning how to manage the differences without getting stuck in negativity and gridlock.
Trust is built and repaired through attunement
Lastly, Gottman posits that trust is built and repaired through attunement:
- Awareness
- Turning toward
- Tolerance
- Understanding
- Non Defensive responding
- Empathy
Trust is built in small moments and can only be repaired after fully processing a negative event. If partners can be still for 30 seconds, there is an 85% success rate in restoring trust. According to Gottman, there are only two questions you ever have to ask your partner:
- What are you feeling?
- What do you need?
I’ve expanded on how I utilize the technique of clarifying feelings and needs, here. Many times when couples haven’t been able to restore trust in the relationship after a betrayal it is because either the offending partner isn’t listening long enough before getting defensive or the hurt partner is not taking an active role in the process (i.e. the hurt partner is staying guarded and waiting on the offending partner to make things better).
For couples therapy to be effective, both partners have to be active in the process of creating attunement and building trust. This can be a vulnerable process. Couples often find the structure of therapy to be helpful in containing the difficult emotions that arise during the process of creating attunement.
Additionally, reducing defensiveness and staying engaged in difficult conversations can be challenging to navigate on your own. As a therapist, I can hear things differently than you because I am not as emotionally invested in the relationship. This allows me to intervene and help clarify the intended message and coach partners through listening and being still. Once the hurt partner feels truly heard, he or she can then make an active choice on how to move forward. The offending partner usually finds it relieving for the hurt partner to reclaim some of the responsibility necessary to make a commitment. Trust is never truly a guarantee that you won’t get hurt again, but attunement creates the security necessary for both partners to feel more confident in their relationship.
