The most common feedback I get from couples is how helpful it is to start thinking in terms of what their RELATIONSHIP needs. Most people tend to think of relationships as a balance between you and me. I’m either selfish or selfless. What Stan Tatkin, founder of PACT, suggests is that the “you or me” relationship is a 1 person system.
What couples really need is to operate as a 2 person system with individuals acting as stewards of a third entity, the relationship.
Once you start asking yourself and each other, “What does our relationship need?” things become more clear. What’s good for the relationship is usually good for both individuals, but the opposite is less true.* The relationship comes first. So if something isn’t good for the relationship, get rid of it! ❤️
* This is all assuming you’re in a mutual and loving relationship. If what’s good for the relationship is NOT good for you, something’s up. Your relationship & your sense of self should not be mutually exclusive.
2 comments
Eric Dunsker
February 1, 2020 at 6:51 pm
It’s funny I should come across this page at this time. As part of both my present relationship and a writing project I’m helping someone with I’ve come up with a very similar framework that helps me make sense of why things are or aren’t working.
There’s only three types of relationships: “You or me”, “You and me” and “Us”. The first is a zero-sum game. One person’s gain is the other’s loss. The second, is a partnership. Here there’s usually a common activity or goal that’s the focus and sustaining force. Then, as you’ve mentioned, there’s “Us”. I would assert this the only that is self sustaining and offers the possibility of long term satisfaction, especially when talking about committed relationships (i.e., the thing we spend so much time reading blogs and going the councilors to find).
I have a physics background. Newton’s laws of motion changed the world because they clarified an aspect of the physical world that once seemed inexplicable and mysterious.
To me, this framework is very helpful in clarifying what’s not working in a relationship, be that romantic, familial, business or recreation. We say we want X, but what’s happening is Y. OK, so are we engaged in “You or me”, “You and me” or an “Us”? Sort the present behaviors into these categories and the what’s wrong and how to fix it suddenly become clearer.
Alex Barnette
February 20, 2020 at 1:43 pm
Yes! Thank you for sharing. It’s very easy to lose sight of the “we”.