As a therapist, I’ve learned that most people do not have time or the energy to read an entire book anymore. So though this entire book is well worth your time and energy, I decided I could share an excerpt that I found particularly helpful and wise.
Here is an excerpt titled The Courage to Let Go taken directly from the book The Dance of Fear written by Harriet Lerner (p.23):
When we are rejected, we may be frightened by our own rage. Years after a devastating rejection, we may resist moving forward because we are not yet ready to detach from our suffering. It’s not that we take some twisted masochistic pleasure in feeling like the “done-in” partner. Rather, we may learn to wrap pain and suffering around ourselves like an old, familiar blanket. It can be our way of taking revenge–of showing other people how deeply they have harmed us through their outrageous behavior. To move forward in our lives may feel akin to forgiving the transgressor, to saying: “Well, I’m doing well now, so I guess your behavior didn’t hurt me that much.”
Then there’s this fantasy that if we hang on to our justified rage and suffering long enough, the other person will finally see the light, realize how much he has harmed us, and feel as bad–perhaps even worse–as he has made us feel. It is a powerful and comforting fantasy. It is also just that–a fantasy.
Some of us may be afraid to let go of our anger because, in a strange way, it keeps us connected to the person who has hurt us. Anger is a form of intense attachment (albeit negative attachment), just like love. Both forms of emotional intensity keep us close to the other person, which is why so many couples are legally divorced, but not emotionally divorced. If you can’t talk on the phone or be in the same room with your ex-spouse without feeling your stomach clutch, you’re still attached. Detaching can provoke great anxiety–and require enormous courage.
When we let go of our anger and suffering (which does not necessarily include forgiveness) and begin to allow joy into our life, an odd thing may happen. We may temporarily experience anxiety and a sense of “homesickness” with every move forward. That’s because with each step taken on our behalf, we are taking emotional leave from a relationship that was officially terminated long ago. When we leave anger behind, we give up the dream that the person who harmed us will ever feel remorse, see things the way we do, or come back to us on his knees, pleading for another chance…
I don’t mean to imply that we hold on to our anger because we consciously want to show the other person how totally she or he has screwed up our lives. Nor are these feelings completely in our control (“Gee I think this would be a good time to let go of my anger and suffering”). I’m by no means saying that anger is “bad”, since it can take great courage to acknowledge and express anger. But it requires just as much courage to free oneself from the corrosive effects of living too long with rage–a challenge that may include forgiveness but does not require it. What’s clear is that nothing is served by ruminating about the terrible things your ex did to you, and making yourself miserable in the process, while he’s having a fabulous day at the beach.
