UncategorizedSometimes Life Feels Unfair- Where do I start when that happens?

Life is absolutely unfair. Bad things happen to good people, and there are times we can’t seem to catch a break. You have every right to feel however you do about the cards you’ve been dealt. There are times we need to throw ourselves a pity party…party of one. Everyone is deserving of sympathy, but the problem is it doesn’t empower us. Sympathy keeps us stuck.

There are times in life you might feel like you are surviving rather than thriving. During these times, some people adopt what is termed a survival stance to help cope. Two of the most common survival stances I see clients adopt are the martyr and the victim. My opinion is that survival stances are only effective in situations you cannot escape, like a prisoner. When change is possible, but you haven’t changed your stance, you become both the prisoner and the jailer.

Sometimes life feels unfair. Where do I start when that happens?

I find it very common for individuals considering divorce to experience their marriage as a prison. For example, a husband that is unhappy in his marriage but doesn’t see a way out for various reasons (having kids together, not wanting to be alone, feeling uncertain, etc.) might start to see himself as the victim of a terrible wife or a martyr for the kids. While this works in terms of surviving the marriage as is, the marriage won’t shift to thriving. This person can benefit from reclaiming agency in therapy. You are not resigned to a miserable marriage or relationship! Though it might not feel this way, you hold the key to your prison cell! One of the first steps to creating agency is to start rewriting the story you tell yourself, often through reframes.

What does it mean to “reframe” something?

To reframe something means giving it a different meaning, one that facilitates inspiration and value. I read an entire book on self-talk that I think could be summarized into one fact–the human brain does not distinguish between true and false self-talk. The brain simply believes what you tell it most. This is why we need to write better stories!

One of the easiest ways to start rewriting the story you tell yourself is to look for exceptions. Your relationship probably contains fewer “always” and “never”s than you think.

Here are a couple of examples of reframes:

“I chose the wrong partner and this is just the way it’s always going to be. It’s not fair.” → “I can’t change my partner, but I can change how I engage in this relationship” or “I can’t guarantee my relationship will improve, but I can guarantee it won’t if I don’t try.”

“My options are to stay in this miserable relationship or be alone the rest of my life” → “I have options” or “I don’t like my current options, I need to create new ones.”

I should mention that reframes are one part of the work we do together in therapy. Reframes only work when someone is ready for them. When you try to shift someone’s perspective before he or she is ready, you are more likely to come across as invalidating than inspiring.

A reframe is also not the same thing as forced optimism. In offering a reframe I’m not saying “Hey, look on the bright side”. I’m saying, “Let’s look at this in a different way than you have been, and let’s challenge some of the storylines you’ve accepted as fact”.

How can I reframe “fairness” in a way that serves me?

When a client expresses that something is unfair to me, I am usually in agreement with them. We spend the time necessary to explore the thoughts and feelings that emerge upon realizing something isn’t fair. During these conversations, I often get a sense for what the client is trying to get out of therapy. As Brene Brown explains in her book I Thought It Was Just Me, there is a difference between seeking empathy and seeking sympathy.

Empathy versus Sympathy

Empathy seeking is driven by the need to know we are not alone; it’s the drive for connection. Empathy moves people towards resilience. Sympathy seeking is the search for confirmation of one’s uniqueness which, intentionally or unintentionally, drives separation.

You can usually tell the difference by your experience of the person disclosing. When someone is seeking empathy, you generally feel like they are reaching out to you and seeking closeness. You might feel uncomfortable listening, but you want to help. When someone is seeking sympathy, you usually feel impatient and pushed away. Sympathy seekers wear their injustices like a badge. They say things like “you have no idea” or “you wouldn’t understand”.

Moving Past Fairness

If you find yourself seeking sympathy, you will probably benefit from taking a step back to re-evaluate what you need. Is your goal to prove that life is unfair or is your goal to adapt?

There’s a saying, argue for your limitations and you get to keep them.

Accepting that life and relationships aren’t fair is a starting point but (in most cases) is not the goal. There are a lot of reasons relationships reach an impasse, and many of them are unfair.

It’s not fair that spouses cheat, get lazy, change personalities, change their needs, or change their hopes and dreams. But unfortunately, fighting for fairness doesn’t seem to change the relationship for the better. The fight for fairness in a relationship turns into a tit-for-tat argument in which neither party feels more motivated to make changes to benefit the other (“Why should I help you with ___ when you never ___ ?”).  I’ve mentioned in a previous post, that I find creating mutuality in relationships more helpful than fairness.

Why should I take responsibility for some event that feels like its happening to me and not my fault?

You don’t have to take responsibility for what’s out of your control, but you do have to take responsibility for your life. When life gets overwhelming, it makes sense to want to bury your head in the sand. No one would blame you if you did, but no one else could save you either.

In Irvin Yalom’s Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Dread of Death Yalom says, “No positive change can occur in life as long as you cling to the thought that the reason for your not living well lies outside yourself. As long as you place responsibility entirely on others who treat you unfairly…then your situation will remain at an impasse” (p. 100).

Even if you truly cannot change your situation, you always have the ability to choose the meaning you make of it. Actively deciding what you think and feel and the changes you want to make is much more meaningful than letting inertia decide for you. Therapy helps you identify the part you play in the events around you. You learn what you contributed to the impasse you are at and what you can personally contribute to change.

How can we go on that existential journey together in therapy?

Our worlds get very small when we’re in survival mode. Creating reframes can be hard to do on your own because you are too close to what needs to be reframed. Instead, we focus on exactly what is in front of us and mostly on ourselves or the scapegoat. When you stay in this realm, it’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. Some people internalize what isn’t theirs to carry and some people externalize what should be theirs to improve. In therapy, you learn appropriate boundaries and responsibility which gives you the clarity you need to create change.

If you are interested in beginning this journey, please feel free to contact me with any questions or schedule an appointment online.