If it feels like the new year barreled forward before you had time to get your feet on the ground– you are not alone, and this post is for you. In an ideal world, we would have all had some true time off to get organized and potentially recover from the busyness/chaos of the holiday season.
Unfortunately, most of us had some unexpected life events thrown at us instead–changes in jobs, illnesses that won’t go away, family emergencies just to name a few.
Sometimes we don’t get the fresh start or blank slate to the new year we were hoping for, but the good news is you can still get back on track from right where you are.
Without further ado, the one habit I swear by for couples is setting a time at the beginning of every week for a family meeting. Experience has shown me that sitting down with my husband a couple hours at the start of each week greatly reduces the chaos and stress of the mental load we carry.
Since implementing this strategy, we have missed fewer birthday parties and actually had more room to make plans with friends. We have made more payments on time and been less caught off-guard by bills coming in (don’t get me started on passwords trying to get into all of our accounts). We’ve had better communication with our daughter’s school and forgotten fewer lunches. We’ve developed more of a rhythm and felt quicker to notice when that rhythm is shifting or needs to shift. Lastly, we’ve eaten at home a lot more because we’ve gotten better at dividing the labor of meals. All of these small wins have resulted in less conflict and fewer surprises during our week, allowing for a much more peaceful home environment.
To this day, however, if we skip our weekly sit-down, we are guaranteed to end up fighting about things like meals and plans and who should have noticed something sooner by Wednesday. Like every good habit you try to implement–you will have setbacks, and you will find yourself back in your old ways from time to time. This is to be expected. The best thing you can do is name this with each other and set up your next meeting ASAP.
Things to keep in mind:
- Done is better than good. Realistically, these meetings can run anywhere from 1-3 hours. I understand that few people have that amount of time to give. Still, I would suggest trying to prioritize it as best as you can, and if you really can’t allow for more than an hour–sitting down together and talking for 30 minutes or an hour is better than not sitting down at all. Meeting pro-actively at 9 am is a lot better than fighting from 10 pm-1 am.
- Showing up is the majority of the battle. If you want to build a habit you have to keep your formula as simple as possible and resist the distractions of fighting over who wants to be there and who doesn’t, who puts more effort into the meeting, and perfectionism around how you organize the meeting.
- That said, you are both stewards of the relationship. Rather than thinking of meetings as one person’s task to champion, remember that you both have the duty to serve and protect your relationship. If one of you forgets about the meeting, the other should go get them. If one of you is feeling distracted, the other should keep them on task. Don’t let each other off the hook.
With that, I’ll highlight the main areas that we try to hit each week, but please feel free to adjust this to meet your specific needs.
Key areas:
The calendar
Finances
Household Management
Parenting/Child Development Updates
Work updates
Health Updates
The calendar: We keep a monthly calendar in the “family meeting” folder and a weekly dry erase calendar on the fridge. Many people use a shared Google calendar, and that seems to work really well for them. For some reason virtual reminders just never stick in my memory as well. The main thing is that you both look at it together and discuss anything on it.
Some discussion prompts:
- Date nights (If they’re not on the calendar, they don’t happen!)
- Social plans/RSVPs to send
- Gifts needed
- Meals/side dishes to contribute
- Individual plans
- Doctors appointments
- Making plans with people we want to see
- Anything out of the ordinary–days one of us will be working late, can’t pick up or drop off when we usually do, etc.
Finances: Full disclosure, this is my least favorite area but it’s proven absolutely essential that we at least touch on it each time. My husband recently set us up with the app Monarch Money. Prior to that we were using Mint. We’ve also worked with an advisor at Student Loan Planner for a couple of years now, and it’s helped keep us organized and on track towards future goals. Mostly, talking about finances eases our anxiety about it. It turns out when you are pro-active and just look at the numbers, things are usually not as bad as you think.
Some discussion prompts:
- What went into our bank account this month (income)
- What went out (expenses)
- Tithing
- Any tax updates (quarterly payments, etc.)
- Any big upcoming purchases or expenses
- Any areas getting out of control
- Travel
Household management: I find that couples tend to get carried away with this one and subsequently stop using whatever system they created because it’s just too much to maintain. So I would suggest having a more in-depth conversation about equality another time and keep this portion as simple as possible for your weekly meeting. I find it easiest to start with the default. If you didn’t discuss this at all, who would be doing what? Are there 3-5 chores that feel particularly unfair/unbalanced to you?
Other discussion prompts:
- Anything feeling particularly laborious around the house or anything you recognize might be starting to wear on your partner
- Anything that is starting to feel unmanageable/any requests for help
- Anything you’re wanting your partner to acknowledge (something you’ve been working on since they asked or anything that’s started feeling invisible)
Outside of the family meeting, it would be helpful to outline all of the chores and who does what to create more transparency and appreciation. Negotiating and working towards a common goal of equality prevents you and your spouse from suffering in silence and harboring resentments. A visual list is very useful for this, and I’ve had couples report the Fair Play card deck and documentary were eye-opening and useful for them. Another potential resource is Dr. Sarah G.’s online courses and workbooks for division of labor.
If you find that you consistently feel stuck in this area, it might be worth meeting with a therapist to help you get past any roadblocks and facilitate more productive and empathic conversations.
Parenting/Child Development Updates: I have noticed that when we spend time talking about our child pro-actively, we are less likely to react poorly to her in the moment. Most of these conversations start with, “Have you noticed…”. Kids are growing and changing all of the time and changes in behavior are the easiest way to observe this. Behavior is often the tip of the iceberg. I find it helpful to flag behavior changes as we go and check in about how we are handling them so that we can go more in depth to understand what might be going on if needed. This also keeps us on the same page and prevents us from undermining each other when we are intervening in the present moment.
Some discussion prompts:
- Any new observations or behavioral changes we need to find a way to address
- Any part of the routine that has become particularly challenging (ex. if bedtime has started taking longer than usual, maybe you start alternating nights)
- Any communication with the teacher/school, forms
- Anything that is becoming stressful in the parenting realm (likely a conversation to be continued later that day)
Work updates: Again, the more pro-actively we talk about our work lives, the less isolated we feel in trying to maintain them. This area tends to prompt more of a need for emotional support than anything else, but it is surprising how much easier making decisions at work feels once we have been able to name the stress with our partners.
Discussion prompts:
- Any changes in schedule or workload this week
- Any impending changes (concerns about layoffs or client drop-off or the opposite–preparing for more work than usual)
- Prayer requests
Health Updates: In all honesty, we give this area much less attention than we should. However, it’s definitely worth keeping each other posted on any upcoming appointments, concerns, and general discomforts. I find this usually results in us encouraging each other to take care of ourselves. It’s very easy to put your health on the back-burner (especially when considering the hassle of insurance and carving out time for appointments), but we all know preventative healthcare is a better route than having to take off unexpectedly because you waited too long to seek help.
Discussion prompts:
- Appointments
- Concerns
- Self-care and needs for encouragement
- Coordinating for a sick kid- who will take off, who can take them to the doctor, etc.
Ok, I’ll admit–after writing all of this out, this feels like one of those “30 minute recipes” that ends up taking 3 hours. I know this can all seem like a lot to get through…because it is…but the thing to keep in mind is that you are likely already tending to these areas every day. This suggested outline is intended to help you address these things head-on and pro-actively, rather than feeling scrambled and behind trying to manage them as they come up during the week. You will become more efficient in running family meetings as you go.
I think of our house like running a non-profit organization. The more I embrace the necessity of communicating and organizing what we need to to keep it going, the less likely I am to get stuck in the shame of “we should be better at this”, “I should be better at this “ or potentially the most harmful thought, “this is his fault’.
Pro tip: Starting each meeting with a full belly, quick prayer and a coffee or latte helps.
I’ve moved past the fantasy that these things would be effortless for us and instead embraced utilizing the strategies and systems that work. Hopefully this helps get you started on a system that works for you.
Similar to starting therapy–it is possible that the first few meetings will end in conflict, and you might feel worse before you start to feel better. Don’t give up! The more you build your collaborative muscle together, the easier it will be to utilize it in times of stress. Good teamwork is essential in any marriage, but it is ok if finding your way with this is a little bumpy. Over time you will (hopefully) see that you can work through tiffs for the sake of a shared purpose, and this skill will be invaluable to you as a couple.
Here’s to staying grounded together in 2025!
