Hopefully you were able to enjoy what you could over the holidays and hopefully you are finding some relief in getting back into the swing of things, but if you are finding that you feel anxious about how you are going to juggle everything this upcoming year–this post is for you.
I have been working with couples for around 8 years, and before that I studied everything I could about them. I’m fascinated by how complex and also how simple making a marriage work really is.
The complexity of relationships comes from growing and changing as people and deepening your understanding of each other while also making room for new family members and grieving the loss of others. The simplicity of making a marriage work is recognizing that sometimes you just have to put some anchors in place so your marriage isn’t easily uprooted by the lightest storm.
So without further ado–here’s the shortest way I can lay this out to you, and then I’ll give more background for those interested.
Here are two questions you and your partner absolutely need to sit down and answer together this week:
- How are we going to make the next few months work? (Who is going to do what)
- What anchors do we have in place to keep us together and on track as a couple?
As a couples therapist, it is my belief that every relationship has a default setting.
This default setting is what your day-to-day looks like if neither of you were to try to change or communicate about anything. Your default setting includes (but is not limited to) the time you’d all end up getting up in the morning, when you’d naturally be ready for bed, the amount of openings you would naturally have in your week to go to the gym, the amount of meals you’d likely end up cooking, and the amount of quality time you would have with each other.
Sadly, not many couples I know default to eating dinner together every night anymore.
Context
Prior to 2020, it seemed to me that most families were trying to find their ideal work-life balance.
Then when 2020 hit–the initial blessing of getting to work from home and spend more time with family slowly paved the way for the curse of every home turning into an office.
People went from long hours at an office to working around the clock at home.
Cut to 2024, and it seems like we might finally be able to put the Covid lifestyle behind us.
Of course everyone’s situation is different, but I mention the context of where we are now because I think it’s important to remember that a large chunk of time over the past few years has been spent just trying to survive and adapt to the constant changes in our environment. These changes include your immediate circumstances like where you live, employment, and childcare, as well as the larger existential threats including power outages, supply shortages, countries going to war, and mass shootings (just to name a few).
All of this to say, it’s ok if your default setting has morphed into something you never intended it to be. AND this is exactly why you and your partner need to sit down and communicate your expectations for 2024.
Every couple has to find their balance in how much control and influence they have in changing their default setting.
Over time and through personal experience, I have found that the couples that manage the perpetual issue of work-life balance successfully are the ones that have figured out three key pieces:
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They reach for support when they need it, and they use that support to bring them closer together.
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They have set times for when they will see each other every week.
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They have a community that supports them in their values and growth.
Trying to accomplish any one of these three components requires that you and your partner are committed to growing in your relationship and that you have both embraced what it means to be a steward of your marriage.
Stewardship
Being a steward of your relationship means that you and your partner are both actively engaged in the process of protecting and nurturing your relationship. You’re not just looking out for what works for yourself or your partner; you’re looking out for each other. You’re aware of the predictable fights that are going to ensue when there’s a problem for one of you, and you care about working through them.
From this framework, when there’s a problem for one of you–there’s a problem for both of you.
You both have to think beyond the moment of peace that comes from avoiding conflict to make sure you’re on the same page.
It is a lot of work to keep balancing all the needs in a family system–quality time together as a family, quality time as a couple, time with friends, and time to yourself.
My story
For a long time, my head was spinning trying to figure out any given week, and at the end of every month–guess what came last? My marriage and myself. It wasn’t for a lack of trying, we tried every week. There were countless times someone got sick, someone canceled on us or we were simply too tired.
It was very humbling that in all of my efforts to put our relationship first–it kept coming last.
That’s when I had to step outside of my shame spiral and get really curious about why this kept happening.
There were so many times I’d beat myself up that I’m a couples therapist, and I hadn’t been on a date with my partner in over a month.
Then I started reframing it. I started saying, “Wait a minute. If I’m a couples therapist and a seemingly competent individual, and I still can’t do this–how is anyone else doing it?”
Then I started going to church every Sunday.
That’s when a few things finally clicked for me:
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My partner and I both have ADHD, and we are just not good planners. We needed to stop pretending we were capable of carrying out complex plans. We needed to keep things simple, and we needed to write them down (ideally somewhere visible to both of us).
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We were saying yes to way too many last-minute invitations. We needed to start saying “we already have plans”, even if the plans were just something for the two of us.
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We weren’t meant to do this alone. We needed some type of community that helped us create a rhythm.
No one can do it all, all the time & still do it well.
My personal hope is always to grow in my capacity to handle chaos while maintaining enough structure and routine in my life that I can still think clearly.
In hindsight, I should have done what I’m doing now 3-5 years ago. But again–that 2020 context is important!
So instead of ruminating or criticizing myself, I’m sharing with you the conversation I now know every couple should have during every transition period (meaning every time the season changes or every time employment or childcare arrangements change). At a minimum, you should sit down face-to-face to discuss this every few months.
In times of high stress–I would suggest you sit down every week.
So here it is again:
How is this going to work?
This year
This season (the next 3 months)
Next week
Division of labor is a loaded topic, and it’s easy to get lost in the weeds. There are plenty of resources out there that go further into detail, but you probably already know the 1-3 household duties that are weighing on you. Start with those.
Discussing division of labor is so important in creating more equality, more visibility, and in clarifying expectations. There is a lot of security in knowing what you can rely on your partner for consistently.
If your partner tells you they have a busy couple of months with work coming up–do not despair! Clarify what that means.
Then negotiate.
Then compromise.
When you look at what you both have in front of you–is this manageable? If you are both saying yes, great. If either one of you is saying no–then you have more work to do together to make it manageable.
You may look to outsource or you might decide you’d rather one of you work less.
Whatever you decide, I find it helpful to remember that if you don’t find the thing that can give–your body will do it for you.
Beyond division of labor, it is so important for you and your partner to establish your bottom line as a couple.
By bottom line, I mean looking at the support and the rituals for connection you absolutely have to have in a given week. These are your anchors.
Some prompts:
What anchors do we have in place to keep us together and on track as a team?
Date nights on the calendar
Default together times for both quality time AND talking through logistics
Community support
Therapy
Self-care
I would guess many of you feel pretty far from what you would ideally have time to do in a given week. However, that does not mean you are SOL until next year.
Get creative! Get specific, and talk through these pieces with the assumption that your health and your marriage are just as important as your kid(s) happiness.
The thing I got wrong in 2023 was that I was still chasing this idea that if we could just put our heads together consistently enough, we would SOLVE all of our problems.
What I now know is that we’re not going to solve so many of the problems that cause me distress because, frankly, we can’t control for them.
What I can control is having enough of a baseline agreement and systems in place that counteract the opposing forces that consistently pull us apart (work, fatigue, our kid).
So it’s not about not drifting apart, it’s about having enough anchors in your day-to-day that you feel confident letting each other go when you need to.
Not every problem has a solution, but they do deserve a conversation.
Happy New Year!
