Relationships can be challenging to say the least. Perhaps you’ve noticed that what used to be an exciting, building, intimate relationship, has started to feel stagnate, stale, and uninspired? If that’s the case, there’s no need to beat yourself up. Like anything—a great relationship requires the right tools and practice.
When I started doing couples counseling in Austin, it was for one reason: I wanted to help people connect better to themselves and to the people around them. Whether you’re in an intimate relationship with someone and having some growing pains. Or just haven’t been able to find the right way to communicate to someone you care about. There is one technique that I use over and over again with couples and people in my counseling sessions that has proven incredibly successful:
⇒ Clarifying feelings and identifying the unmet need.
You likely know what the unmet need is, even if you’ve never given it that phrase. It’s the underlying issue which triggers feelings of frustration, anger, sadness, overwhelmingness, or any other unpleasant emotion. Those feelings didn’t just show up out of nowhere. And they aren’t your fault, either.
How to Explore this Technique in Couples Counseling
In my couples counseling sessions in Austin, Texas, we clarify feelings and identify the unmet need like this:
While in session, one partner presents a recent scenario or argument that has occured in their relationship. My job as a couples counselor is to walk that partner through what he or she observed during the scenario. The purpose being that we want to identify the narrative he or she wrote in their head to explain the observation. Having an observation is one thing, giving it meaning is something else, entirely.
As we walk through the observations each partner had of the scenario, I’m listening to help each person in the relationship identify which emotions came up at the moment of the scenario, what was it that each person needed, and how that need can be put into a request in the future.
Developing a Language and System of Tools for Your Relationship
Of course, identifying one’s feelings can be a challenge, especially if it’s not something you’re used to. Part of couples counseling is not just talking about your problems, but developing a language and system of tools that can be used to better problem solve as a team in the future. For those just starting out identifying emotions, I typically provide a list of feelings and needs in our couples counseling sessions and then ask each partner what they are feeling and what it is they need?
Much of my counseling style is based in the work of Drs. John and Julie Gottman, who developed a research-based approach to relationships. According to Gottman these are the only two questions you ever have to ask your partner:
- What are you feeling?
- What do you need?
It sounds simple in theory, but it can be quite difficult to remember this in the heat of an argument. That’s where couples counseling comes in. In couples counseling, you and your partner are practicing the way you want to show up in your relationship so that it becomes your default. It’s like developing muscle memory for improved intimacy.
Most Couples Find This Technique Challenging
This simple exercise can provide so much value to relationships, and yet, it is surprisingly challenging for most couples to get through. Some of the reasons for that might be obvious, but couples counseling is often about pointing out the “obvious” to bring other not-so-obvious-but-related issues into the light. A few other reasons this exercise can be difficult are:
1. It’s easier to point out what someone is doing wrong than it is to identify what right thing you would like them to do. It’s easier to say “not helpful” than it is to say “This is what I’m feeling, can you please give me some affection?”
This exercise forces both partners to refocus on their own internal responses instead of only noticing what the other person is doing.
2. Couples in counseling tend to realize they are not as aware of their own emotions as they might have thought. Initially partners might say something like “I’m feeling frustrated” or “I don’t know, I just feel weird” without any idea of what they are needing. Couples find it initially somewhat distressing but eventually very relieving to start identifying their feelings and needs with more ease.
Again, couples counseling is about having a dedicated space to actually practice great communication. It’s about learning the skills, tools, and patterns that will allow you to grow your relationship to new levels.
3. By the time couples come to therapy, partners are pretty reactive to each other. You’ve likely experienced this before (we all have). When emotions are high, it can be incredibly difficult to have a productive conversation. In a couples counseling session, the interaction couples are presenting has often become so automatic that it doesn’t take much to set the wheels towards an in-motion conflict. This exercise forces partners to slow down and look at the situation on a deeper level.
What Do Your Requests to Your Partner Look Like?
Most arguments are happening as the result of a reaction. In couples counseling, we’re learning to send out requests, instead. When we slow down enough to really clarify what it is we are/were feeling in a given moment it allows us to tune into the need underlying that feeling. It’s amazing how that simple awareness of what we need can then make our requests to our partner look a lot different.
When you or your partner does not say, “Thank you” or does not do the dishes, that “offense” often seems harmless to one partner. It is the other person’s interpretation or the narrative through which they perceived that offense, however, which does much of the damage and can set the train off its rails.
Couples counseling is about having the time and space to explore what each partner’s narrative around a scenario is and make sure that all lingering information is out in the open. Only then can something resembling a constructive conversation or resolution occur.
Why Couples Counseling in Austin, Texas Creates More Awareness
This couples counseling exercise operates on two levels by creating more awareness for the person answering each of the questions and by helping their partner, listening, to better understand how to successfully navigate similar scenarios in the future. The fun part is that each partner gets to have their turn to voice their feelings and what they need (this isn’t a one-sided conversation!). This technique directs the conversation from a surface-level conflict to deeper level communication which ultimately creates more attunement and connection between partners.
It can be fun for couples to give themselves new language and tools to elevate their love and intimacy (or recover it, when it feels lost). If you’re interested in meeting with me to discuss how couples counseling in Austin, Texas can give you the intimate practice you seek in your relationship, I’d love to hear from you.
