Families are really great at keeping us stuck in one role. No matter how old you get, it’s likely your sibling position in your family won’t change once you reach adulthood.
The good news is that marriage should be a place for you to be your full self.
I love talking to couples about their sibling position and how that intertwines with their partner’s. It can be so liberating to realize you don’t have to continue being the super responsible oldest sibling in your marriage, or that you can at least have some flexibility!
To make this easier to scroll through, I’m going to keep this post to lists with bullet points. Please know these lists aren’t meant to be a complete picture of your sibling position, and there may be points that don’t fit for you. Not everyone fits the traditional mold. I’m more just hoping to put some words/organization to a part or schema that might be operating under the surface for you.
Also–if something fits and you don’t like that it fits, just remember these aren’t innate personality traits, they’re qualities that developed in relation to the people around you. For example, oldest siblings aren’t destined to be controlling people. They likely had siblings to babysit or look after so they had to be in control (whether they liked it or not).
Noticing your “oldest child” self coming out…
- Feeling overly responsible or being “the helper”
- Feeling like you have to hold it together and/or set a good example at all times
- Needing control or needing to be in charge
- Defiance to an “authority figure” (previously your parent, now your partner asking you for help)
- Fear of being replaced (oldest children were only children at one point)
How to start bringing your full self into your marriage…
- Asking for and receiving help
- Admitting when you have no idea what to do
- Letting your partner lead sometimes
- Learning how to collaborate
- Acknowledging when you feel neglected or need more attention
Noticing your “middle child” self coming out…
- Feeling overlooked
- Comfort with being in the background but also wanting to be seen
- Withdrawing or keeping to yourself
- Going with the flow at the cost of your own needs
- Avoiding Conflict
How to start bringing your full self into your marriage…
- Sharing more of your thoughts and feelings
- Letting yourself shine
- Letting your partner into your inner world
- Making direct requests and asserting your needs
- Getting comfortable with hard conversations
Noticing your “youngest child” self coming out…
- Feeling like no one takes you seriously
- Over-reliance on external validation and/or attention and praise
- Feeling compelled to lighten the mood or provide comedic relief
- Difficulty making decisions, self-doubt (your parents and older siblings might have made them for you)
- Discomfort with someone depending on you
How to start bringing your full self into your marriage…
- Taking yourself seriously
- Practicing with self-validation
- Staying present without distracting or fixing
- Learning how to trust yourself
- Providing care for your partner sometimes
Noticing your “only child” self coming out…
- Feeling a lot of pressure to meet your parent’s expectations (get married, have kids, etc.)
- A strong need for space or never wanting to be alone
- Feeling judgmental of your partner’s relationships with their siblings
- Difficulty making space for your partner’s needs without feeling neglected or intruded upon
Bringing your full self into your marriage…
- Setting some healthy boundaries
- Letting your partner support you in your struggles with your parents (you’re not alone anymore, yay!) & still taking space when you need it
- Keeping an open mind and embracing outsiders
- Getting comfortable with being in a two-person system
Hope these lists help, feel free to comment with anything you would add!
