Every January it’s easy to arbitrarily pick new goals and say we want to move towards them, but are we missing a core level of reflection?
By about the week after Christmas, most of us start feeling like the stick figure in this comic. This makes it really tempting to pick nearsighted resolutions based on how you’ve felt the past few weeks.
Instead, I’d encourage you to take inventory of the entire year. If you haven’t made a resolution yet, set aside some time to reflect before committing to one.
How should one reflect on the past year before setting new goals?
There’s no one right way to take inventory of your year. If you set any intentions, goals, or resolutions down at the start of this year, now would be a great time to revisit them. If you didn’t set any, you might begin by listing every month of the year on a sheet of paper. Next to each month you can write any major highlights or events that come to mind. Try not to think too hard about what you’re writing and just allow yourself to write stream of consciousness.
Once you’ve completed your list, give yourself a little time to sit with it and notice your initial reaction including any thoughts, feelings, or sensations that you’re having. For example, you might feel proud, disappointed, satisfied, or sad. You might even feel neutral…which can turn into feeling sad about feeling neutral. Whatever feelings or self-talk you’re noticing, try to stay curious with yourself (instead of judgmental or critical) as you start to create the meaning of your year.
What are some tools one can use for self-reflection?
Self-reflection is an inherent part of therapy. One of the perks of self-reflection in therapy is getting to co-construct the meaning you make of your year with your therapist instead of trying to do it alone. Through the use of process questions and feedback, your therapist can help you dig deeper into what sits well with you and what doesn’t about the past year.
How would a “year in review” session look in therapy?
Reviewing the year in therapy looks a little different for everyone because everyone enters therapy with different readiness for change and some changes take longer than others. For clients that have been with me a year or more, I’ll sometimes pull up old case notes or a client’s initial intake paperwork in session to help guide our conversation. Regardless of how long people have been in therapy, however, my experience has been that most people are pretty impatient with themselves/change, and it’s usually because they just want to feel good again and get on with their lives. Understandable.
Emotions can be exhausting! If you’re thinking about a divorce, you just want to make a decision. If you’re going through a divorce, you just want the divorce to be finalized. If you’re at an impasse in your relationship, you want a resolution. No one wants to feel lonely, miserable, sad, or any other negative emotion longer than they need to so sometimes people give themselves an arbitrary deadline of a year.
Then when the year comes to a close and they realize there’s more work to do in therapy, they initially feel disheartened. Sometimes it’s not until we reach certain checkpoints that we realize the expectations we had for them. As you reflect on your year, it’s really important to be compassionate and flexible with yourself. A lot can happen in a year and, at the same time, a year really isn’t long at all. Some years we go through transitions, some years we build, some years we lose, some years we gain, and some years we maintain. Some years we do all of the above! My point is, a year looks different for everyone.
When you’re going through a transition, it’s important to see the light at the end of the tunnel and to know how you’ll recognize it when it’s there, but every journey is unique. We’re inundated with messages of scarcity (“Time is running out!”), but I can almost guarantee you have more time than you think. If you set a goal for 2018 and you haven’t accomplished it yet, try to question the timeline or the goal before you question yourself.
Case and point, I set a goal of writing 50 blog posts before the end of the year. That was in March. This is post number 22. I could beat myself up about it, but that wouldn’t change that I didn’t write the posts and it wouldn’t motivate me to write more. Ok fine, I did beat myself up about it at certain points. Eventually, I realized writing takes me longer than I thought and, while I enjoy writing 1 post per week, that was pretty much my max.
I’m not advocating for making excuses, but I am advocating for self-compassion. Dream big, but start small. There might be many more steps to accomplishing your goals than you realized, but every step is still a step. Be gentle with yourself.
What happens if I start to have anxiety about my goals?
The first step is to clarify and understand the anxiety. One distinction that can be helpful is the difference between chronic and acute anxiety. Chronic anxiety is a general or reoccurring sense of unease for no apparent reason. If you always feel a little anxious, there is probably not one, single source of your anxiety which means there is not one single solution. Working towards a goal might be one reason you feel anxious, but not the whole picture. In therapy, you can take inventory of all of the variables contributing to symptoms of anxiety and practice with relaxation and mindfulness.
Acute anxiety is anxiety related to a specific event or situation like a first date or a job interview. If you’re experiencing acute anxiety with a goal you’ve set (ex. Meeting new people or taking risks), that anxiety is probably a mix of fear, nervousness, and anticipation and it’s probably going to build the closer you get to reaching your goal. Therapy is really helpful in exploring and managing these feelings, but you’ll probably still feel anxious until you reach your goal. This is important to know so you don’t keep escalating the anxiety–so you don’t feel anxious about feeling anxious). Instead of aiming to feel completely calm, you can set a more realistic expectation of managing your anxiety.
What can I do stay focused, calm, and motivated throughout the year?
Be honest with yourself and take what you already know with you into the new year. A new year is a fresh start, but you are not a blank slate. Chances are you have an idea of the reasons you lose your focus, calm, and motivation each year. Tune into those reasons instead of just vowing to be more disciplined this year. You can also plan to re-evaluate your goals every few months.
Some goals are a matter of creating better habits and some goals just take longer. Don’t assume not reaching your goal in one year means you failed. Meet yourself where you’re at and celebrate each step along the way. You’ll get there. You have more time than you think.
