In part 1 I examined what I think makes Instagram uniquely qualified to cause strain in closed, committed relationships. As I mentioned, my view is that fights about Instagram are not necessarily the core problem, but more likely a symptom of something deeper in the relationship. So while I do think it’s important to understand what makes Instagram, specifically, an effective wedge, I also want to caution against playing whack-a-mole with all of the possible ways you and your partner could use the app or engage with outsiders on Instagram. In this article, I hope to outline what fights about Instagram could indicate about your relationship and how to create a secure-functioning relationship.
First, let’s look at what stops partners from openly communicating with each other:
1. Fear of seeming jealous or crazy.
What this could indicate: You fear how your partner will see you or that you’re wrapped in self-criticism/shame. This could mean that you don’t feel safe bringing your full self and your emotions into the relationship.
No one wants to be the jealous or crazy partner. However, the desire to be the “cool girl” or, for males, the fear of seeming like a girl often prevents people from tuning into some important information their emotions are trying to relay. I’m not saying your intuition is always right, but If you’ve already tried dismissing your concerns as paranoia and they’re not going away, there’s probably more to it. Try not to let your pride or your fear of being vulnerable get in the way of your need for clarity and security. If you find yourself feeling jealous or crazy, it’s important to look both inward and at the relationship.
When looking inward here are a few questions you can ask yourself to get started:
- Do I have a history of being a “jealous” or “crazy” partner or is this new for me?
- What has my experience been when I open up to previous partners about what is bothering me? Is it safer for me to attack myself than to question my relationship?
- Am I an honest and loyal partner? Am I ready to face the possibility my partner is acting inappropriately?
When looking at the relationship here are some questions you can ask yourself:
- How did I come to view myself as crazy in this relationship? What tells me that my partner views me this way?
- How does my partner respond to me? Is he or she defensive and accusatory or does he or she offer reassurance?
- When do I feel insecure in this relationship? How does my partner help me feel secure in this relationship?
2. Lack of confidence that your partner will be honest with you.
What this could indicate: You don’t trust your partner. It might be that you don’t trust your partner to tell you the truth or to tell you how he or she really feels. Either way, if you don’t trust that your partner will respond honestly to any questions you have, it probably doesn’t do you much good to ask them.
Instead, you might find yourself doing one of two things:
Playing detective.
This generally happens when partners suspect infidelity. As I mentioned in Part 1, playing detective rarely builds trust. Each time you snoop, you rob your partner of the opportunity to come clean with you and build or rebuild trust and most “suspects” view snooping as a betrayal.
Additionally, detectives in relationships seem to lose sight of the information they already have–they just want to crack the case! Somewhere along the way “being right” takes priority above a secure relationship. My view is that if you are on a continuous search to catch your partner in a lie, you don’t trust your partner or your own intuition. And if you don’t trust your partner or your own intuition, you’re never going to feel secure enough to stop searching.
Mindreading.
This happens more when someone genuinely wants to collaborate with their partner on boundaries, but they can’t get a read on how their partner really feels. For example, someone might want to know if it’s ok to follow an ex on Instagram or if it’s ok to post a picture showing cleavage, but every time they ask they get a “Yea, it’s fine”.
When partners don’t know how to read each other, boundaries either tend to be crossed before they’re established or partners tip toe unnecessarily. In either case, this creates a bit of frustration and anxiety for both partners.
As you might have noticed, building trust and security in a relationship is a two-person job.
How do we do this together?
If figuring out boundaries and creating safety feels like a mystery to you, you’re not alone. Relationships are hard, and they only seem to be getting more challenging as technology evolves faster than any guidelines to moderate it can.
So, to give you a concrete starting point, I present to you Stan Tatkin’s
10 Commandments for a Secure-Functioning Relationship
- Thou shalt protect the safety and security of thy relationship at all costs.
- Thou shalt base thy relationship on true mutuality, remembering that all decisions and actions must be good for thee AND for thine partner.
- Thou shalt not threaten the existence of the relationship, for so doing would benefit no one.
- Thou shalt appoint thy partner as go-to person for all matters, making certain thy partner is first to know—not second, third, or fourth—in all matters of importance.
- Thou shalt provide a tether to thy partner all the days and nights of thy life, and never fail to greet thy partner with good cheer.
- Thou shalt protect thy partner in public and in private from harmful elements, including thyself.
- Thou shall put thy partner to bed each night and awaken with thy partner each morning.
- Thou shalt correct all errors, including injustices and injuries, at once or as soon as possible, and not make dispute of who was the original perpetrator.
- Thou shalt gaze lovingly upon thy partner daily and make frequent and meaningful gestures of appreciation, admiration, and gratitude.
- Thou shalt learn thy partner well and master the ways of seduction, influence, and persuasion, without the use of fear or threat.
Essentially what Stan Tatkin is saying is that the relationship comes first. You and your partner are in each other’s care and what’s good for the relationship should be good for both of you. So first make sure that your partner has earned this spot to be in your care and of your utmost consideration. If he or she is, then you can start discussing these “commandments” and what they mean to both of you.
Once you’ve established a strong base of safety, mutuality, trust and commitment, negotiating boundaries gets a lot easier. As a general rule of thumb, whatever you agree on should go both ways. No double standards!
The exciting part is that once you get clear on how your relationship should operate, agreements are more likely to become win-win. Couples also find that they actually have more freedom in their relationship than they did previously.
If you and your partner are interested in beginning couples therapy to begin building a more secure-functioning relationship, please feel free to email me at info@alexbarnettecounseling.com
