If you and your partner perpetually fight after social events, this post is for you.
A good portion of the couples I work with struggle with balancing time apart and time together when they’re out together.
Here are a few of the common complaints I’ve heard, “You convinced me to go and then you just left me!” or “You spent the entire time talking to your friends. It was like I didn’t even exist”.
The counterargument is usually something along the lines of, “What are you talking about? I spent most of the night with you!” or “I don’t know what more you want from me. I can’t be by your side 24/7”.
The apology (if there is one) is usually something along the lines of, “I’m sorry I just get caught up in the moment and forget. Won’t happen again.”
But it does happen again.
Every time.
And I’ll be the first to tell you that even if you follow exactly what I’m saying, it might STILL happen again.
Here’s why:
Two of the main markers researchers used to classify attachment styles between the caregiver & child in the Strange Situation experiment were proximity seeking and contact maintenance:
1. Proximity seeking—if the caregiver reaches out to pick up or hug the child, and the child responds (& vice versa).
2. Contact maintenance—the child’s ability to maintain physical contact without turning away, pushing away, or quickly letting go.
What researchers found with an insecure attachment pair was a “striking” lack of proximity seeking in both the parent and the child. If proximity seeking & contact maintenance in an insecure attachment feel intrusive (either to the parent or to the child), a child learns to stop seeking them.*
In other words, if a kid perceives a parent consistently withholds affection when he or she tries to reach out or if the parent consistently isn’t there to reach for in the first place, the kid stops seeking the parent. Over time this kid becomes an “island” or a “distancer”.
On the other end of the attachment style continuum, if the caregiver is sometimes there, sometimes not or sometimes affectionate, sometimes not, the child learns to cling. This child becomes sensitive to a parent creating distance or abandoning them. Over time, this kid becomes a “wave” or a “pursuer”.
What’s important to understand is both distancing and clinging began as adaptive ways of responding to a primary caregiver. Both the island and the wave did what they had to do to survive, and it worked!
So now, flash forward to adulthood, and this same implicit way of moving toward and away from others becomes the blueprint for navigating “strange situations” with your partner. These strange situations could include parties, weddings, family get-togethers, or traveling. What began as a necessary adaptation is now negatively impacting your relationship.
Here’s what I see couples try:
Talk/fight about the situation, maybe make a repair (👍🏼) & come up with a solid plan for next time.
Here’s why this doesn’t work:
When next time rolls around, the same thing will happen.
Talking, making a repair, and making a plan are all wonderful steps to take, but unfortunately, it’s not enough. Contrary to what many partners think, it’s not that your partner doesn’t love you or care to make a change. It’s that couples often don’t understand how to effectively create change.
When you and your partner are in any “strange situation” together, you are unknowingly activating your attachment systems. These attachment systems didn’t just form when you started dating each other, they formed over many, many years and primarily from ages 0-2! The real kicker? We don’t explicitly remember anything from ages 0-2!
So, even with the best intentions at heart, we unconsciously and automatically operate from this attachment blueprint that’s been wired into your system. This blueprint doesn’t just exist in the mind. It’s stored implicitly in our bodies which means our whole biology needs to be addressed if we want to create change. It’s not enough just to think and talk about the changes you want to make or want your partner to make.
Here’s what actually works:
1. Repair and commitment. Of course you care about your partner and of course you want to do better. Acknowledge where you’ve let each other down and the feelings that come with that and make a commitment to figuring out how to do better together.
2. Proactive understanding. You and your partner BOTH have to understand your own attachment styles and each other’s to know why you act the way you do in social settings. You’re more likely to stay open and curious with each other if the conversation takes place at times other than the heat of the moment.
3. Empathy instead of criticism. I find empathy comes naturally when partners really comprehend that these behaviors aren’t personal attacks. Empathy: “Wow, you really were on your own a lot. No wonder you don’t look for me.” Criticism: “How hard can it be to look for me? You’re so selfish!”
4. The island (or distancer) has to practice proximity seeking and contact maintenance, and the wave (or pursuer) has to practice catch and release.
–To practice proximity seeking and contact maintenance–eye contact and touch are huge! How are you supposed to know your partner is ready to leave the party if you haven’t looked or checked in with them once? Practice looking up and scanning with your eyes to locate your partner throughout an event. Practice holding hands or placing a hand on your partner to communicate, “I’m here for you”. These micro-moments of connection are so simple but SO effective in creating security.
–To practice catch and release–embrace your partner’s new attentiveness to you, but also let them go knowing that they will come back again. You might have to fight your urge to cling at first, but as you practice building trust that your partner will come back again and as your partner experiences the freedom of being released, you’ll find your rhythm!
5. Practice and repair. Old habits die hard. You and your partner are learning to build new interpersonal skills together and that takes practice and intention. You’re going to mess up, and that’s ok. When you do mess up, make sure your repair quickly.
If after reading this you and your partner would like to know more about how to find your rhythm in therapy, please feel free to contact me at info@alexbarnettecounseling.com .
*For more information about attachment theory and “islands” and “waves” check out Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin.
