In a long-term relationship, couples are constantly faced with making decisions together. Some of them are big (where to live, when to have kids) and some of them are small (where to eat, what to do on a Saturday). How you make these decisions with your partner can be the difference between feeling more connected and supported or feeling unheard and resentful.
How can we make better decisions together?
When it comes to making decisions, the process of making them is just as important as the decision itself. The process is important because if one partner is always calling the shots–the “leader”–he or she is bound to start feeling overloaded with responsibility and also runs the risk of becoming controlling. The partner that tends to defer or follow–”the follower”–is bound to start feeling resentful and runs the risk of losing his or her voice in the relationship. If neither partner is willing to lead, decisions don’t get made and the relationship gets stuck. If both partners want to lead, the same is true–decisions don’t get made and partners reach an impasse.
Instead, the process should be collaborative and mutual. I go into more detail about mutuality in this previous post about deciding to stay or leave your relationship. Put simply, a collaborative process means both partners contribute and mutuality means, “we’re in this together”.
How can we communicate more effectively?
In general, communication should be direct. Perhaps a good starting point is to scrap the phrase “if you want to”. Although the phrase is considerate, it is also ambiguous! “If you want to” doesn’t tell your partner what you want and it’s also not clear what you’re getting at–are you asking your partner if he or she wants to or are you trying to imply that you don’t want to? You could go in circles with “if you want to” for a long time without either of you knowing what the other truly wants. When we use phrases like “I know you want“ or “If that’s what you want to do” partners end up trying to read between the lines and feeling confused.
Instead, try substituting the phrases “I want” and “Do you want?”. For example, “I want to go to the concert. Do you want to come with me?”. Another example, “I want to spend this Mother’s Day alone with our family. Are you ok with that?” Essentially, what I’m advocating for is speaking for yourself and asking your partner what he or she wants instead of assuming you know.
This might sound simple, but it is surprisingly difficult because it is much more vulnerable. I’m amazed at how hard it is for couples I work with and sometimes even for me. Direct communication is vulnerable because you are putting your needs and wants out there.
What happens if you don’t want the same thing?
Couples often feel anxious and sometimes even fearful when they realize they don’t want the same things. Good news–you don’t always have to be on the same page! It’s perfectly normal for you and your partner to disagree. Learning how to negotiate and compromise is more important than you and your partner being on the same page all of the time. And in order to negotiate and compromise, you have to be able to tolerate your differences and the uncomfortable emotions that come up with these differences.
If this sounds challenging, it’s because it is. However, if you take nothing else from this post my hope is that you start reconsidering your joint decision-making process. If you can start placing just as much importance on your process as you do the decision itself, you might find that making decisions feels more like a team effort.
If you and your partner would like to learn how to function as a team, please feel free to reach out to me at info@alexbarnettecounseling.com to see if couples therapy might be a good fit for you.
