We are just days away from Christmas, and this is the first year I’m finally feeling some ease with the holiday after years of intentionally working on how my husband and I celebrate and divide the labor of the holiday. I hope I don’t jinx myself here, but I think we have finally adjusted to what it means to be a parent over the holidays–lots of joyful and special moments, mixed with a lack of your usual childcare, cramming to get work done in time, potential stress related to travel and more meltdowns than usual.
It is ok if you simultaneously feel grateful and exhausted, excited and stressed, or any other combination of emotions. Holidays are always a mixed bag.
My best advice to make Christmas feel like Christmas again is to sit down with your partner and set your intentions for the holiday ahead of time. Try not to just outline what you need to do–think about what you want to do and feel that day. While it’s a very special holiday, it’s also a very busy time of the year. I think it’s easy for parents to get overwhelmed by all there is to do and provide for their kids, and we forget that we’re allowed to have fun.
The short of it:
How we show up matters more than the presents they open and the activities we’re doing. It’s impossible to feel playful when our heads are consumed by our to-do lists. Perhaps the best place to start is with an intention and a playlist that matches the vibe you want to create.
Forget the “shoulds” and traditions that add more stress than value to your life. Start with what matters most and what excites you. The aesthetic is forgettable, the feeling and the meaning of Christmas is where the spirit thrives.
The long of it:
When I work with couples trying to compromise and prepare for Christmas, what I often find are ghosts of Christmas years’ past. The things that went wrong in previous years tend to heighten the stakes and the need for this year to be BETTER THAN EVER, while simultaneously making that impossible because it’s riddled with anxiety rather than peace and contentment.
Sometimes you have to have hard conversations and reconcile what went wrong in years prior to make room for a new experience. Without repairing the ruptures of the past, you risk repeating the same pattern and getting more entrenched in it. Try to own up to your mistakes and wrongdoings in the past, and forgive each other.
Additionally, something I like to keep in mind is how much corporations depend on Americans feeling like we are one gift or one Christmas decoration away from having the perfect Christmas. Some healthy externalization of the problem can go a long way in uniting with your partner against the forces trying to steer you in the wrong direction!
My hope as a therapist is always to help couples reclaim their holidays and make them their own. In doing so, here are the key areas I find myself hoping to unburden for you:
Gift-giving
Primary burdens:
1. The financial cost 2. The pressure to get the perfect gift.
I’m embarrassed to say that picking out presents for people became so stressful last year that I was still having nightmares about it months later. I didn’t think my anxiety was that bad at the time, but later I realized how much pressure I felt to get the exact right gift for everyone.
My husband was so puzzled by this. He finds the whole gift-giving process to be a bit juvenile and unnecessarily awkward between adults. To his credit, he still participates and does a good job of contributing and wrapping gifts on his own. But for a long time, I was convinced he had some unprocessed childhood trauma that was ruining my day.
So imagine my displeasure when I realized I’m the one that didn’t quite mature in how I viewed it all. I expected MAGIC in every gift and in my kid’s eyes as she opened each one. What I got was (understandably) underwhelming. She liked some presents, she didn’t like others, and when she noticed too many eyes watching her–she refused to open anymore.
It took me a long time to see my husband’s perspective, but I will say there is something very freeing about recognizing that gift-giving is just always going to be a little awkward and (potentially) a little disappointing.
Kids are kids, and they’re allowed to respond authentically.
With adults, there’s pressure to get the gift, pressure to like it and pressure to give a thank you commensurate with the gesture (any Curb Your Enthusiasm Fans?). It’s also uncomfortable when you realize one of you spent more than the other (because no one sticks to the agreed limit!!).
The solution: make peace with it. Don’t let your relationship hinge on getting the perfect gift, and don’t spend beyond your means in hopes of having the perfect Christmas or in an effort to please someone.
It’s not worth the stress. As with most things, the more you let go, the more joy you end up having as you recognize it’s just one part of the day. Put some thought into it, set reminders so that you buy the gift early enough, wrap it, and let the rest go. (If this formula doesn’t work for you, whatever conflict arises is likely not about the gift.)
Christmas traditions
Primary burdens:
1. Family legacy 2. Being a good parent
Friends and family if you are reading this, I hope you do not take offense to what I’m about to say. I know how sentimental certain traditions are and how strongly parents feel about some of their most treasured traditions.
However, personally, I think it’s gone too far.
I just can’t with the elf on the shelf. I don’t get it, and it looks like way too much work.
In working with couples, it’s common for moms to feel dismissed when their partner says they are doing too much. While I agree there are times husbands should just jump in and help instead of criticizing, I think there is also something very humbling and connecting about being able to admit when we ARE doing too much. Both partners should contribute and no one likes a Scrooge, and I would encourage you to consider the possibility that if your partner suggesting you do less it could be an attempt to preserve Christmas–not dampen it.
When couples get married, they have the task of deciding which traditions they want to keep and which ones they want to discontinue. Without a conversation, both will assume they’re going to do things the way they’ve always done them. It takes years of adjusting to establish your own family culture, but I think it’s important all couples feel supported in knowing they are allowed to sort through this together. It’s ok to question tradition, and compromises do have to be made.
You are a good parent if you are putting the effort in, showing up and doing your best to be present. There are no other requirements.
Something I’ve come to appreciate is how much better of a parent I am when I am not trying to make magic happen. If you’re not sure if you’re doing enough or too much, here are a couple of questions you can ask yourself:
“What part am I doing this from? Do I feel centered and joyful about this or do I feel anxious or like I’m compensating for something else?”
“Would it be ok if no one noticed or appreciated me doing this?” said differently,
“Can I do this without expecting anything in return?”
I am so pleasantly surprised at how much I’ve enjoyed preparing for this Christmas, and I realized a big part of it is that I’ve narrowed the prep down to the things I actually like doing. I am so excited to put wrapping paper over the entry way and run through it Christmas morning. I am excited to hide her last gift so I can make the gift-opening last just a little bit longer. And I am so grateful I am not the one cooking Christmas dinner!
Please be kind to yourself this Christmas. It is ok if you don’t have the means or the capacity to do as much as you normally do. That is simply life, and I hope you and your partner will allow for some grace as you adjust your holiday to meet your needs.
If nothing else, I hope this post encourages you to loosen the reins on Christmas just a little bit because, as we all know–we can plan a pretty picnic, but we can’t predict the weather.
Wishing you all safe travels and a very Merry Christmas!
Sincerely,
Alex
