In my last blog post, I answered the question of “Does couples counseling actually work?”. I addressed some of the fears couples come in with, what therapy can offer, and how couples can benefit from going to therapy together. If your question is whether or not you need counseling, that would be the post for you (and your partner). If your question is how to broach the topic with your partner, this is the post for you!
Why does it feel scary to talk to my partner about couples counseling?
Confronting the need for couples counseling is not always easy.
While the implication is slightly different for everyone, at a minimum, you are acknowledging that something in your relationship is either not working or not going to work. Our relationships are a major part of our lives and who we are so it makes sense that confronting the problems in them feels scary. When you’re feeling afraid, it’s easy for your mind to run wild. Try to stay grounded and remember that acknowledging your fears and problems doesn’t make them bigger, it actually makes them more manageable.
There are two ways to approach a conversation about counseling with your partner, both of which are very vulnerable.
- Initiate the conversation and make it a discussion– “I think _____ What do you think?” “How do you feel about going to therapy?”. Initiating hard conversations is always a risk. The risk can feel even greater depending on how disconnected you and your partner are. You are risking that your feelings will be invalidated and you are risking that your partner will get upset. There’s no guarantee that your partner is going to respond positively. However, for this to be a discussion, there should be an exchange of thoughts and feelings. If your partner does respond negatively, you might find it helpful to keep in mind that your partner’s response is not just about you. Your partner could be responding to the stigma of therapy, feeling spread thin, financial concerns, etc. Try to stay curious, and if you need to revisit the topic again later you can. Just be sure to agree on a specific time to reconvene first. This can lead to a request but allows both of you to explore first.
- Get clear on where you stand first and make a request–“Will you go to therapy with me?” Notice I did not say demand your partner go to therapy. Making a demand is less vulnerable, but it’s also less effective in relationships. Adults don’t like to be told what to do. Instead, you might need to ask your partner to go to therapy with you. This can feel really scary if you don’t like to depend on anyone to meet your needs. In a previous blog post, I’ve talked about why people don’t always ask for what they need and how to practice making requests. You are not responsible for your partner understanding you or agreeing with you. You are responsible for giving your partner a chance to respond.
Which approach will work best for me?
You know your partner best. If your partner is open and approachable, I’d recommend making the topic of therapy a discussion. If you already know your partner is opposed to therapy, I’d recommend preparing what you want to say and request that he or she go to therapy with you. Keep your part brief so that your partner is able to digest what you are saying and avoid over-explaining so you are not diluting your original request.
You also know yourself best. If you genuinely want to hear your partner’s thoughts on the need for counseling, you will benefit from creating a dialogue. If you know you are at the end of your rope and don’t have the patience for any back and forth, then you should say that. There’s no point in framing the topic of therapy as a discussion if you have already made up your mind.
What if my partner says they don’t want to go?
Want to and willing to are two different things.
Couples counseling isn’t exactly the most appealing activity someone could choose. I’m not sure that any of the couples I work with wanted to go to counseling at the beginning, but they did want to improve their relationship so they were willing and motivated to come. Your partner doesn’t have to want to come to therapy, but he or she does have to be willing to engage in the process.
“What’s the problem?”
From a relational standpoint, a problem for one of you is a problem for both of you. However, couples don’t always agree on what the problem is or if there even is one. For example, if you are tired of doing the majority of the emotional labor in the relationship, but your partner prefers the relationship this way, he or she might not want that to change. Another example is if you are very sensitive to distance in the relationship and your partner isn’t. If you stop initiating closeness he/she might not even notice. Again, not a problem for that person. At least not on the surface.
This is not to say that you are the problem, but that whatever dissatisfaction you are experiencing in the relationship might only feel like your problem right now. If this is the case, it’s ok to own that you want to go to couples therapy together even if it doesn’t seem important to your partner. You can say something like, “Maybe this is only a problem for me, but it’s affecting the way I show up in the relationship. I’d like to work on this together”.
No need to drag your partner.
Some therapists might have a different opinion on this. If you’ve gone through the list of my suggestions and don’t feel like you’re getting anywhere, I’d suggest letting it go…at least for now. You should both be accountable to each other and to the relationship, but you are not responsible for your partner’s decisions. After you extend the invitation, your partner gets to decide how to respond.
If you already feel stuck in a pursuer-distancer pattern, it’s probably best to avoid reinforcing that pattern. Plus, I find that individuals who felt forced to come to therapy are fairly unmotivated to contribute to sessions. I also find that individuals worried their partner won’t come back if they say something “wrong” spend the session tiptoeing instead of talking about what we need to. I’d recommend saying something like, “I don’t agree with your decision but I respect that it is your decision. Will you let me know if you change your mind?”. Fortunately, you can still come to therapy without your partner!
Can individual therapy still help my relationship, even if my partner does not take part in it?
Yes, just not as directly. In individual therapy, we work to interpret the information you have about the relationship and create more awareness of how you engage in the relationship. We can’t change your partner, but it is possible that your relationship will change in response to the changes you are making. For example, you might find that individual therapy empowers you to advocate for yourself in the relationship and that you feel more clear on what you can do differently. If your partner is receptive to the changes you want to integrate from therapy, then therapy can still help your relationship. If you find that you need more from your partner than he or she is willing to offer, we process how you want to handle that. In individual therapy, you (the client) are the first priority which is slightly different from couples therapy where the relationship is the first priority.
If you have any additional questions about how you should begin therapy, please feel free to contact me at info@alexbarnettecounseling.com.
