Couples CounselingDivorce CounselingFeaturedHealthIndividual CounselingLifeMarriageTherapy in AustinTherapy in Austin TXTXUncategorizedHow to Manage Money as a Couple | Couples Money Management

I should start by saying that I am a therapist, not a financial advisor. I’ll probably say this many times throughout this post because I want to make sure it’s clear that my intention is never to try to tell you what to do with your money. When I talk to couples about their finances, I am approaching the topic from a relational standpoint. However, I have noticed that the more couples improve their relationship and ability to communicate about money, the better they seem at managing their finances. Two heads are better than one when you’re able to work together! In some ways, finances have become more of a taboo topic than sex.

In a longterm relationship, you have to be able to talk about money. At the same time, know that most conflicts about money, have nothing to do with money.

If you’ve read any of my other posts you might be sick of hearing me say this, but it’s true–the problems most couples present at the start of therapy are almost always the symptom of a deeper problem or unmet need. From this perspective, arguments about money aren’t really about money. They’re about the meaning behind money–trust, love, acknowledgment, contribution, or some other unmet need.

A book that no one will ever read but I’ll never stop recommending is The Soul of Money. I get that a book about exploring your relationship with money isn’t that enticing, but the message is so important. Money isn’t inherently good or evil. It’s the currency in our culture and it doesn’t look like that is changing anytime soon. Whether you have a ton of money or are barely scraping by, you are going to spend money. Whether you are materialistic or a minimalist, you are going to spend money. Gandi’s independence movement was funded by money. Mother Teresa’s orphanages were funded by money.

Regardless of how much money we have or don’t have, we simply cannot pretend that money isn’t an object. It is the object we use to facilitate our goals and our hopes and dreams. Money is a conduit, and it can be a conduit for what we value.

You have to be able to talk about money.

Money is always a part of the equation in every life transition–whether it’s moving in together/buying a house, buying a ring to propose, planning a wedding, having a kid, changing careers, or getting a divorce. If every conversation about money spirals into defensiveness and conflict, you and your partner either aren’t going to get very far in your plans or you’re going to find yourselves in a precarious financial situation.

To talk about money, you have to understand your relationship with money.

During a mastermind group I participated in, licensed psychologist Dr. Sarah Greisemer helped me realize how important it is for professionals to sort out their own values about money. Otherwise, she explained, people find themselves recreating the financial situations they grew up with regardless of how much money they are making.

Again borrowing from Dr. Greisemer, we can apply attachment theory to our relationship with money. What this means is we can either have a (primarily) secure, avoidant, or anxious attachment style in our relationship with money. Some indications you have an avoidant attachment would be never looking at your bank account, throwing away bills, and pretending money isn’t an object. Some indications you have an anxious attachment would be constantly checking your bank account, noticing your mind is always preoccupied with thoughts about money, and feeling butterflies at the mention of the f-word (finances). A secure attachment style in your relationship with money means checking your bank account regularly, keeping up with bills, and feeling confident that money is available to you when you need it.

Your relationship with money began in your family of origin.

In other words, your relationship with money is largely shaped by your parent’s relationship with money. So this relationship began long before you met your current partner. Here are some questions to consider: How was money managed in your family of origin? What were your parents’ attitudes about money? How did you feel during discussions about money? Was money a conduit for what your family valued or was it used as a weapon to control/guilt people? Who earned the most money and what did that entail? How money was shared and distributed in your family of origin will undoubtedly influence your comfort level with sharing with your partner now.

Some context

Economic and social factors also contribute. For example, during the economic boom of the late 1980s, “Do what you love and the money will follow” was mostly solid advice. This mantra doesn’t really hold up in today’s economy. Not all parents are savvy to systemic changes that influence your finances. It can be challenging for individuals to feel confident in how they manage their money when parents are advising something different.

Shame, resentment, and money.

People carry all sorts of shame and resentment about money. Here are just a few of the shame triggers I’ve seen:

-Shame about depending on someone financially &/or resentment that someone can’t or won’t help you financially

-Shame that your parents went bankrupt when you were a kid &/or resentment that your parents did not manage their finances better

– Shame that you inherited a lot of money you don’t feel you deserve &/or resentment that the inheritance symbolizes the time you could’ve spent with your parent

– Shame that you don’t make enough money &/or resentment that your partner doesn’t make more money

– Shame that you spend too much money &/or resentment that you have to save money

In case reading this is activating a shame spiral for you–know that naming shame is the first step to taming it. The amount of money you have and how you want to spend it does not have to define you.

The provider role.

It’s becoming less common for one partner to work and the other to stay home, yet relationship roles haven’t totally adapted. What’s interesting to me is that even in couples where both partners work, the one who makes more money tends to be dubbed the provider. Then the implication is that the non-provider has to contribute something extra or different like cooking, cleaning, being the primary caregiver, etc. Both roles have their advantages and disadvantages. The provider can feel a lot of pressure to maintain his or her income and feel limited by this career requirement. The other partner can feel worn down from juggling multiple hats.  

For heterosexual couples, I would argue it’s still more the social norm that a man support a woman financially than vice versa. In couples where the female is the provider, I have noticed females are less comfortable providing for their male spouses–often with the rationale that they had to work harder to earn their money. If we reflect on the history of the institution of marriage this makes a little more sense. Marriage began largely as a financial or political arrangement and, in the U.S., it wasn’t until the mid to late 1800s that women began having rights over their finances.

Regardless of who earns more in your relationship, we all want to feel appreciated and we all want to trust that our partner is not going to take advantage of us.

I feel uncomfortable about sharing my money with my partner, what can I do?

I won’t tell you what to do with your money, but I can help you explore this discomfort and help you communicate this to your partner. This is where your personal relationship with money and your relationship with your partner intersect. You formed a relationship with money in your family of origin and learned the meaning and value of money. Now you get to combine that meaning with your partner’s to create a shared meaning.

The tough part is when individuals choose partners who have different fiscal orientations than their own. When this happens, it is likely driven by the fact that people dislike their own spending tendencies. This means if you are a “spendthrift” and don’t like that about yourself, you likely paired with a “tightwad” and vice versa (Gleason, The Science of Relationships: Answers to Your Questions about Dating, Marriage, and Family). Creating a shared meaning of money means confronting your own blind spots and ambivalence about money. Even so, it’s ok if you don’t want to share your money with your partner.

Here’s what to do:

First, I’d recommend some individual reflection–explore how acknowledging that feels to you and what you need. Try to discern where your discomfort comes from–your relationship with money, a previous relationship, your relationship with your partner, etc.

Then, you can get clear on what boundary feels appropriate to you. Without clear financial boundaries, you might find yourself feeling resentful that you are sharing more than you think you should or feeling guilty that you aren’t sharing enough. Sort through how much financial independence you need and how much is going to benefit the relationship.

Lastly, keep an ongoing dialogue with your partner. Almost everything you and your partner do together is going to cost money. If you’re spending money together, you probably need to talk about money. You might find it helpful to consistently check in with each other about your current arrangement.

At what point should couples merge their financial accounts?

Some couples view merging finances as the highest level of commitment (“a marriage license is a piece of paper, but money is your livelihood”). I believe there should be a very high level of trust and commitment in the relationship before merging accounts. As with any form of merging you and your partner’s lives together, trust is always a risk  This is where exploring your relationship in therapy can be very helpful. Couples usually come to their own conclusion on how to manage their finances after we get through some of the trickier relational pieces.

How do we make healthy financial choices as a couple?

Once you reach the point in your relationship that your finances are shared, I encourage transparency and accountability (barring any suspected control or abuse). I always recommend couples agree on a time to meet monthly, if not weekly, to talk numbers. This should not be a topic that only comes up in the heat of an argument. Whether your accounts are separate or joint, you should hold yourself accountable to the relationship and you should both know where your money is going.

When partners aren’t sure how much money their partner is making and spending, they tend to overestimate. This can cause feelings of resentment if one partner feels the other is being stingy. Additionally, when couples get caught up in, “Well if you’re going to spend money on this, I’m going to spend money on this” they end up overspending. In this dynamic, you will always have to make more money and it will never be enough. You might have to make sacrifices to keep yourselves in good financial standing. There might be times you need to prioritize money for a date night above spending money on yourself and vice versa. If you have discretionary income, you could agree on an amount that you both could spend however you want. Even so, you’ll eventually have to confront what qualifies as a necessity and what doesn’t.

How can couples counseling improve our finances?

In couples counseling, we can explore all of the pieces I’ve explained here to help you and your partner create more understanding of each other, a mutual sense of trust and respect, and a shared meaning of the value of money. Understanding and mutuality make conversations about money so much easier and also allow us to identify when a conversation about money really isn’t about money at all.

If you have any questions or would like to begin couples therapy to improve how you and your partner talk about money, please feel free to contact me at info@alexbarnettecounseling.com.