The way you approach each other matters! When you’re trying to get your partner’s attention, you want to make sure you’re not immediately sending them into threat-mode. Here are some suggestions for getting your partner’s attention in a loving way:
Use nicknames: Stan Tatkin says yelling their name sends us back to childhood and makes us think we’re in trouble.
Give a heads up: Particularly if your partner is more island-ish, saying something like, “Hey babe do you have a second?” is much better than charging into their space and startling them. A heads up gives their nervous system a second to warm up to you.
Lead with relief: For example, running errands (back when we could) used to be the biggest pain with my husband. I loved to point things out in all of the aisles & couldn’t figure out why he was getting so irritable. Finally, one day I just said, “Hey, we don’t have to buy this, but can you come look at this?” 🎉His response was completely different. I didn’t realize “Hey come look at this” was sending him into threat because he thought I was asking to spend money. Such a simple adjustment has made the trips much more pleasant.
Other examples of leading with relief might be “this won’t take long”, “I know you’re doing your best”, or “it’s going to be ok”. Try not to come in hot with complaints!
Say, “I’ll wait until you’re ready”: This tells your partner you want their attention without criticizing them.
Physically walk towards them: Learning how to move towards your partner is one of the most secure moves you can make. Attachment stuff aside, if you’re not in the same room there’s a good chance you’re both multi-tasking and going to mishear each other or end up shouting at each other.
I hope this helps!
