It seems the entire world is in a tizzy to find some kind of “balance.” A quick skim through current news reveals people seeking: Work-life balance, gender balance, immune system balance, balanced credit cards and accounts, balance of power, academic-activity balance, pH balance, and the list goes on and on. We all seem to be grasping after some kind of “balanced life” but what exactly does that mean?
What does it mean to live a balanced life?
The first word that comes to mind when I think of “balance” is time (and then my cortisol levels spike with the reminder of how often I’m reminded that there’s “so much to do and so little time”). In therapy sessions, I’ll ask clients how they’re doing and almost every client replies with: “tired”. Can you relate? Are you seeking new levels of energy in your life that seem out of reach? If so, you’re not alone. We’re all seeking out strategies for better energy utilization and “balance”—even me! If I were writing this article on the weekend, perhaps I’d have a different outlook, but life moves fast and energy gets depleted. It’s important for all of us to have a support group around us who can help us in creating balance.
Gone are the days of the traditional nine to five work day. A survey cited in Johann Hari’s Lost Connections found that “the average worker first checks his or her work email at 7:42 a.m., gets into the office at 8:18 a.m., leaves at 5:48 p.m. and stops working completely at 7:19 p.m.” Throw in the amount of time a good portion of Austinites spend commuting to work and you’ve got yourself somewhere around a 12 hour block dedicated to your “9-5” (If you work at home, you might find that there are no clear boundaries between when your work day begins and when it ends which makes time spent working harder to measure). As if that’s not enough, many people have a side hustle in addition to their full-time job. And, of course, the real MVPs are the parents out there. A recent study suggested that parenting is equivalent to two and a half full-time jobs. With this in mind, it’s no wonder we all struggle to find balance.
Is balance a pipe dream or can balance actually exist?
With so many balls in the air and wheels in motion, the question then becomes, is balance even possible? I’ll argue that balance is available to us when we give ourselves permission to prioritize it every day. However, it’s a choice we have to make.
Recently, in an interview with Randi Zuckerberg I was watching, she introduced the concept of “pick 3”. The idea is that, on a given day, we have time for 3 major areas. Something to note is that sleep is one of those areas, meaning outside of sleep, there are 2 areas to prioritize. For example, you might choose as your major areas: work, exercise, and sleep. Or work, family, and cooking. Zuckerberg suggests that you can have it all, but not every day.
But perhaps the biggest take away from Zuckerberg’s interview is that she encourages us to reflect on all of our greatest accomplishments and whether or not each came from a place of balance? Chances are your life was NOT balanced during those times you consider to be your greatest set of achievements. Zuckerberg says if you are striving for balance you’re only going to be able to give about 30% in each area, which won’t compete with someone else giving 110%.
Does that feel exhausting or too harsh to you? It did for me, but this is the world most of us are living in. Sadly, it seems the individuals that have more free time end up spending it in solitude because everyone else is so busy! How does one cope? Fortunately, “balance” can mean different things to different people—and that’s okay. What matters most is finding a “balance” that works for you.
If you want to create more balance in your life, pick 3 areas to focus on each day and rotate those areas over time. Remember, there are four seasons every year, and different phases of life. What you are focusing on right now most likely will not stay the same for the rest of your life. If you want to do it all, accept that you will not do anything perfectly. If you have a major goal or demand for your attention (starting a business, raising kids, going to school, planning a wedding, etc.), know that your life will not be in balance as you move towards those goals and that’s okay, too (for the time being).
How important is living a balanced life to you? You get to choose. And you will have to recommit to that choice every day. Many people equate a good life to balance and that might be true for them. However, other discover that they enjoy living in their stretch zone. Part of finding balance is often about learning how far you want to lean in any given direction. A good life is subjective and starts with defining what “good” or “balanced” means to you.
As a therapist in Austin, Texas, I help people define what a “good life” looks like for them. As the boundary between work and home is blurred more and more, it becomes more necessary than ever to get clear on what you want. One way of doing this is to take an inventory of your values. When do you feel the most in your element? In the zone? What brings you the most joy? When you look back on this time of your life 5, 10, 20 years from now, what do you want to remember?
Knowing what you don’t want is not enough, I encourage you to think about what you do want. Some people have never had the privilege or opportunity to think about what they truly want. In these cases, our work in therapy is focused on building the sense of self to create a more clear vision.
Keep in mind that the more time, energy, and resources you invest in something, the more committed you become. Sometimes individuals and couples I see in my therapy practice believe that if they let go of something (a conflict, a relationship, a habit, a goal) then all of their effort was in vain. This is a myth, but people can become consumed by the fear of letting go without realizing that, by staying stuck in the past, they are often sacrificing their future. Years will pass as someone stays in the contemplative stage of change while simultaneously becoming (unconsciously) more invested in staying the same. In these cases, our work therapy is focused on debunking the myths, exploring resistance to change, and creating alternatives.
What are some daily practices one can use to create more balance in their life?
- Hybridization, or killing two birds with one stone. Ideally, you’d have a job that meets at least some of your personal needs. If you can develop friendships at work, you might not need to socialize as much outside of work. If you really value your alone time and you get to work from your home, you might be more available to your partner afterward.
- Meditation and mindfulness. This does not have to be one of your three major areas for you to practice it every day. There are a ton of 5-10 minute activities you can do every day to help you stay grounded. One of the instructors at Black Swan Yoga said, “Yoga doesn’t take time it makes time”—and I completely agree. When we’re thinking clearly, we can accomplish a lot more in a shorter amount of time. A short ritual can also help signal your brain that the day is beginning and ending. We all have 5 minutes when we choose to have them.
- Structure. Dedicate some time to planning your months, days, weeks, and sometimes even your hours and minutes. Schedule time for breaks, eating, and general self-care. This can even mean scheduling time to sit and do nothing so that you are actually doing nothing when you want to. We waste a lot of valuable time debating what we should do with our time.
- Turn off your phone. This one is incredibly hard for me. When’s the last time your battery died? Our phones are our mobile office, source of news, and source of social connection, all at once. We keep them on at all times. A few minutes or an hour away from your phone can do a lot of good.
- If it takes less than a minute just do it now unless you’re in your scheduled time off. Do you ever receive a text, think of your response, and then just not type it or send it for days? Or walk past that Redbox movie on your end table every day for a week? Full disclosure, I am the worst when it comes to this kind of stuff. However, when I do take my own advice, I suddenly have so much more energy. Tiny to-dos like this can pile up mentally and emotionally. We start to feel like we’re constantly behind and it gets harder and harder to get ahead. Save yourself the headache that comes with procrastination and just finish the easy things as they come. You can also actively decide not to do them–you don’t have to respond to every text and email.
Protip: the same rule applies in relationships. It takes 30 seconds to acknowledge your partner walking into the house. It can take hours if not longer to make a repair when you don’t.
A balanced life is what you make it. We all have our own quirks, hopes, dreams, and goals, which means that how we “balance” all of those things is going to show up differently for everyone. The key to living a balanced life is less about what you do and more about how much awareness you’re bringing into your life. Despite popular belief, therapy is not just complaining and crying—it’s about bringing to light how you live your life and where the opportunities for growth and increased joy live.
If you’ve been contemplating seeing a therapist and just haven’t taken the next step because it still feels uncomfortable, foreign, or scary—that’s okay. We can move as slow or fast as you like and calling in to ask your questions is a complimentary service that I’m happy to offer to you, so that you can better identify whether therapy is the right fit for you, right now.
Feel free to contact me directly, or learn more about the variety of therapy I offer at the links below:
