From time to time we’ve all been at a point in our relationships, career, friendships, etcetera, where we wished we could see the future. If only there were some kind of crystal ball that would show us where we were heading and whether there was any way to divert course from catastrophe.
While I may not have a crystal ball, magic wand, or time machine, the therapy and counseling sessions I offer to clients and couples can provide is a context for observing the present moment and insight on how to better analyze what’s happening, right now, then extrapolate that out into the probably future.
Humans are incredibly skilled at surviving and that instinct is buried deep within our biological centers. Due to this strong core desire to survive—and to do so with as little pain as possible—there is a tendency to skew our perception of present-day events to mask over painful moments and live in a false story that is more palatable. It’s because of this skewed perception that divorce when it comes up in a relationship, is often so shocking.
The Gottman Method which I use in couples and divorce counseling can offer us a lens through which to view our current and past circumstances and make sense of them. This can often look like a crystal ball to clients gaining a true awareness of their situation for the first time. There are 6 predictors of divorce, according to Gottman. In this article, we’ll explore each predictor and identify some tools that can help you navigate each.
1. Harsh Startup
A harsh startup is when the conversation gets off on the wrong foot. This can be due to bad timing, the intensity, or the content of what was said. Harsh startups can be anything from rushing to the door and talking to your spouse before they get settled in the house to getting your spouse’s attention with phrases like,“Hey idiot!”. Gottman’s research has shown that 96% of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the fifteen-minute interaction. A conversation that begins with a harsh startup is usually doomed, and it’s best to start over.
How I help couples work through this:
Part of working through harsh startups is understanding what’s fueling them, which is usually emotional distress and a lack of attunement and security. I help couples work on timing, intensity, and the language they are using. First, I help couples identify specific times of the day or week that are optimal for hard conversations and how to recognize the nonverbal cues—that signal either a green light or red light—to approach the other person. The problem is there are certain conversations that there is never a good time to have. The more one partner feels like they’re being avoided, the more likely they are to use a harsh startup. This becomes a cycle that can be very hard to break on your own.
I like to think I’m the one helping couples, but truthfully the structure of therapy in itself is very therapeutic. Transforming harsh startups to softened startups is a natural part of the process. I think there’s something relieving about knowing you have a time-limited space for hard conversations available to you each week. The avoidant partner (or the distancer) appreciates the limitations of time, and the anxious partner (or the pursuer) appreciates the consistency of sessions and knowing they will have a chance to talk.
Couples also learn how to pace themselves in conversations so that every conversation isn’t jam-packed with more intensity than they can handle. When partners feel safe, they naturally stop throwing grenades. Additionally, I can model how to approach and process with each partner and gather feedback about what’s helpful. Couples—often unconsciously—start mirroring how I interact with each of them which shifts how they interact with each other.
2. The Four Horsemen
The four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
- Criticisms are global negative words used to describe your partner’s personality or character; my husband calls these “character assassinations.” For example, a criticism would be saying something like “I’m not surprised you forgot, you’re terrible at remembering things,” whereas a complaint would target a specific behavior, “Did you forget to pick up more toilet paper?”
- Contempt is the overall attitude that your partner is beneath you or undeserving of your positive regard. Not surprisingly, contempt is the number one predictor of divorce.
- Defensiveness usually starts as a way to defend yourself when feeling attacked but turns into blaming your partner. Defensiveness is an easy way to escalate conflict since both partners’ focus shifts to each other instead of inward or to the more vulnerable emotions. It’s nearly impossible to connect with someone who is defensive.
- Stonewalling is exactly what it sounds like—talking to a stone wall. Stonewalling is when one partner disengages and acts as if he or she couldn’t care less about what the other person has to say.
To clarify, all couples display the four horsemen to some extent. What’s more important is how prevalent they are and the effectiveness of repair attempts. Gottman found that 84% of newlyweds who were high on the four horsemen but repaired effectively were in stable, happy marriages six years later. Gottman says if a couple can keep a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative statements or interactions, then the 4 horsemen are not lethal to the relationship.
How I help couples work through this:
I usually name the four horsemen as I see them and explain the predicted outcomes when relationships are mired in them. I am honest about where we’re at and how effective therapy is going to be when contempt especially is present. When couples take to name-calling or berating each other in session, I take more of a hands-off approach and let them decide how they want to spend their time and money. Most couples quickly realize criticisms aren’t going to get them anywhere and are willing to start practicing biting their tongue or using time-outs if necessary.
In my experience, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt are harder to unravel. Mostly because these ways of interacting developed over time. Even the function of fighting can be an adaptation. Fighting is often an unconscious attempt to create intimacy by pulling each other closer or a conscious attempt to avoid intimacy by pushing each other away.
I have yet to meet with a couple where partners genuinely want to hurt each other. Beneath the four horsemen usually lies a wealth of emotion. When we remove the verbal lashes and create safety in the room, therapy gets harder but a lot more productive. I help couples understand the emotions that fuel insults and help partners get more comfortable with being vulnerable. Some people will do anything to avoid being vulnerable and couples are especially skilled at creating dances to maintain distance.
This makes a lot of sense when you evaluate the messages we receive about vulnerability and reflect on the pain that can come with being rejected. I think for males, especially, there is a lot of societal pressure to look like they don’t care and nothing can hurt them which, hey, is exactly the definition of stonewalling. Once we reduce defensiveness and start digging into the deeper and more vulnerable issues, partners start to feel more compassionate towards each other. Brene Brown says, “People are hard to hate close up, move in.” It’s easy to have contempt for a partner based on your own narrative and perception of them. It’s a lot harder once you start to hear their side of things and connect to their vulnerability.
3. Flooding
Flooding occurs when your spouse’s negativity is so overwhelming and abrupt that you feel shell-shocked. The more often you experience this, the more hypervigilant you are around your spouse. Since this is a very unpleasant experience, you might opt to emotionally disengage in the relationship completely. When feeling flooded, the external appearance usually doesn’t match the internal experience. While it often looks like your spouse is frozen or stoic, they might internally be in emotional overdrive.
4. Body Language
Gottman monitors couples for bodily changes during tense conversations to measure just how physiologically distressing flooding is. One of the most important pieces of information to come from this research is the concept diffuse physiological arousal (DPA) and the importance of internal regulation during conflict. DPA is the body’s general alarm mechanism and is typically measured by heart rate or stress-related endocrine responses. Essentially, when the heart rate goes above 100 beats per minute various fight or flight reactions become more likely. When this happens during conflict, partners have a reduced ability to process information and pay attention. The likelihood of de-escalating conflict and responding empathetically or shifting the focus to something else is pretty minimal. Instead you’re left with your most automatic responses including fighting (criticizing, defending, showing contempt) or fleeing (stonewalling).
How I help couples work through this:
In addition to creating more emotional safety as I’ve already mentioned, Harriet Lerner gives the brilliant suggestion to say it shorter. A lot of times when we have something big we need to get out or share our focus becomes saying it as quickly as we can in hopes of a cathartic relief. We forget that someone has to be on the receiving end of that information. If you are feeling overwhelmed by the issues you see in your relationship or your partner, chances are he or she will feel equally overwhelmed if you say too much too quickly. We can only process so much at once (both intellectually and emotionally). If your partner can only tolerate two sentences at a time, your job is to share two sentences at a time.
If you continue to flood your partner knowing the reaction you are likely to get, you are actually protecting your partner from hearing what you have to say and protecting yourself from being heard. Again, couples therapy is an exercise in pacing yourself and noticing when your partner is overloaded. The flooded partner works to increase a tolerance to difficult conversations and emotions and the flooder works to slow down and meet the other person where he or she is at.
5. Failed Repair Attempts
Repair attempts are efforts the couple makes to de-escalate tension during a tough conversation. Without effective repairs, couples are bound to get stuck in a negative feedback loop of conflict with each conflict or injury to the relationship building on the next. When failed repair attempts are piled on top of the four horsemen, Gottman predicts divorce with an accuracy rate of 90% or above. Conversely, if the four horsemen are present but the couple’s repair attempts are successful, the result can still be a satisfying marriage.
How I help couples work through this:
While apologies are important, by the time couples come into therapy saying “sorry” usually isn’t the solution. I also see many partners make solid attempts for repairs that the other spouse flat out rejects or misses. One way of looking at this is there are two sides of the attempt–sending and receiving. If there is a breakdown on either end, the repair will not be effective.
Overall, the content of the repair attempt seems fairly insignificant. I tend to think of repair attempts as a measure of the emotional climate in the relationship. Think back to that magic ratio of 5:1. When couples have an overall positive affect in their marriage–or a positive sentiment override–bouncing back is not that difficult. However, if there is no cushion for mistakes in the relationship–or no coins being dropped in the relationship’s emotional bank account–each failed repair feels like another nail in the coffin. This means that in addition to removing the negativity described in all of these predictors, couples also have to add new or rebuild positive ways of connecting.
The climate of the relationship and patterns of interaction are usually established long before couples come into therapy so shifting them takes time and practice. Basically, everything we do in therapy directly or indirectly contributes to making more effective repairs. Simple, right?
6. Bad Memories
All couples tend to rewrite history, mostly because our memory isn’t all that reliable. Gottman has found that when asked about the early stages of their relationship, happy couples tend to look through rose-colored glasses and focus on the positive. Unhappy couples tend to focus on the negative or block certain memories altogether.
How I help couples work through this:
Our emotions shape our experiences and, apparently, our memory. Couples are not always aware of the emotions influencing their story-telling and get stuck in arguing facts instead of tending to the emotion. There are also couples that emotionally disengaged a long time ago and aren’t communicating at all. The longer partners stay distant, the more difficult it is to bring them back together.
When a marriage gets to the point of rewriting or erasing history, it is unlikely to change without therapy. Most couples in this category are considering divorce. The marriage can still be repaired if you want it to be, but I respect that not everyone wants or needs that. My approach is to offer a first step that many couples haven’t considered which is discernment therapy. Discernment is a structured approach to help you decide if you want to work on the relationship and proceed to couples therapy or not.
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If reading this article is raising red flags for you, please know there is always hope! My job is to meet you where you are at in your relationship and help you get clear on where you want to go. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or concerns.
*The information about Gottman’s concepts and research is taken from his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work . My interpretation of these concepts and how I integrate them into my overall approach in couples therapy may not be completely congruent with The Gottman Method. I do my best to give all of my influences the credit they deserve.
