I should start by saying every couple has factors that make their relationship and situation unique. My intention is not to box you and your partner into a category of couples that might not fit for you. Rather, it’s to give an overview of a very common pattern that I see play out with couples which negatively impacts how effective couples therapy can be. I share this in hopes of inspiring you be pro-active about your relationship.
Alright, so here we go!
In many couples, there’s usually one partner that feels like they are doing more of the heavy lifting when it comes to monitoring the state of their relationship–let’s call this person the Initiator. This Initiator might make it known that they want to go to therapy, but they are tired of always being the one to move the relationship forward. The Initiator might also want their partner to show that they care about the relationship just as much as they do.
For this reason, the Initiator might decide to put their foot down and leave it to the other partner–the Waiter–to find a therapist and initiate couples therapy. The problem is the Waiter either doesn’t take them seriously, doesn’t see the need for therapy, is afraid of what might come out of therapy, or just kind of…forgets to initiate because that’s not usually their job.
So the Waiter waits months, sometimes years to initiate therapy. There are some good times throughout this waiting period, but they become increasingly sparse as the couple gets more gridlocked in their perpetual issues. All the while, the Initiator’s resentment and frustrations build.
Finally, (sometimes after being prompted by an ultimatum) the Waiter does a quick Google search and books with the first therapist he or she can find. The couple might see one or two other therapists for 1-3 sessions before they see me because–as it turns out–it’s a little harder to find a therapist that’s a good fit for both partners.
Alas, the couple lands in my office (which is now virtual), and when I sit down with the couple 1 of 2 things usually happens:
1. The Initiator is p*ssed. They want nothing to do with me or their partner. In the most severe cases, the Initiator’s first words are, “I want a divorce”. These sessions are usually the first and last with the couple, and they’re pretty rough.
OR
2. The Initiator genuinely wants things to work out and puts a real effort into therapy, but finds that they vacillate between feeling good about finally getting what they wanted in the relationship and anger.
In the beginning, we end up spending an equal amount of time processing the anger and rage around waiting so long to come to therapy as we do the original reasons for wanting to pursue therapy. Depending on the state of the relationship and how long the couple waited, some initiators are very forgiving and find it easy enough to let the path to therapy go. However, some realize they can’t get over it and opt to terminate therapy and/or the relationship rather quickly.
The Waiter, on the other hand, is in an equally tough position. They often experience the following:
1. They realize the seriousness of the situation and will do anything to get their partner to stay, but it’s too late.
OR
2. The Waiter is deeply committed to doing the work, but finds that they are fighting an uphill battle. This gets really hard because while it’s true that they’re not responsible for everything that’s wrong in the relationship, they’re in the doghouse and often take the blame. Sometimes their initial pleading and change in behavior works, but sometimes it’s still not enough. Sometimes the Initiator realizes it’s too late (later in therapy) or the Waiter gets tired of doing everything right and not gaining any traction.
Additionally, one person putting in all of the effort can only be a short-term solution because, from a relationship-standpoint, true repair and progress require both partners to be invested in the relationship and contributing to the work.
From this point forward, the outcomes are less predictable (in my experience). Some couples prove very resilient and understanding of each other, and some have had enough and throw in the towel.
The moral of the story:
So the point of me sharing this “tale” is not to say you are doomed if you wait too long. There are way too many variables for me to be able to predict that, and I don’t claim to be a fortune teller.
Rather, what I hope to share with you is how important it is to go to therapy the first time your partner asks.
As a couples therapist that wants you to have the best shot of starting therapy on the right foot and wants you to be successful in therapy, here is my plea:
To the Initiator: Consider initiating therapy even though you are tired of doing it. This is a dynamic your therapist can help you with, and it’s better than letting resentment fester.
To the Waiter: Go to therapy the first time your partner asks you to. Better yet, spend an hour researching therapists and give your partner a list of 5 to choose from. If they don’t want to choose, no problem. You can choose, and you can make it known that you’re open to seeing as many therapists as it takes to find the right fit.
To both of you: It’s completely normal to feel anxious about starting couples therapy. There are a lot of fears people have about beginning therapy including, but not limited to, “What happens if this doesn’t work?”. Sometimes things do get worse before they get better in couples therapy, but I promise working through is better than slowly growing apart or slowly trending downhill in your relationship.
I hope my insight has been helpful to hear, and I’m happy to answer questions if you have any!
You can email me at info@alexbarnettecounseling.com . I will be going on maternity leave at the end of March (2021) so if I can’t help you, I’m happy to help you find a therapist that can.
