Sometimes we have the ability to work and reflect in a well-contained environment, and sometimes we are thrown into the wild and forced to sink or swim.
When you know it’s coming, it’s wise to prepare. And when you know you are in over your head, it’s wise to reach out for help.
Somewhere within that threshold between standing on the shore trying not to get wet and drowning in the waves, there is a real opportunity for growth.
The key seems to be the balance of knowing your limits, surrendering to what you cannot control, embracing change and rising to the challenge.
My hope in creating this is to give you a tool for self-pacing your way through the next 3(ish) months. For what it’s worth, any interventions and work that I am suggesting are activities I have done myself. Many of them are inspired by my training in PACT and a local Re-Engage program.
It goes without saying that I will be eager to pick back up with you when I return, but if you end up realizing you are capable of having conversations with your spouse and working through challenges on your own–great! The goal of every therapist is to work ourselves out of a job, after all.
My intentions with this challenge:
-To help you embrace change while staying anchored in the rhythm of sitting down to work on your relationship consistently.
-To help you find new and creative ways to maintain your relationship.
-To empower you to see my leave as a challenge and an opportunity for growth rather than a hindrance to progress.
-To encourage you to think outside the box and build your unique formula for what works in your relationship.
-To encourage self-efficacy.
What am I absolutely not trying to do:
-Provide therapy from afar. This challenge is meant to be a tool/resource for you to take and make your own. It is not therapy, and it certainly should not be used as a weapon against each other. If you need additional support, please reach out to a licensed therapist.
-Traumatize or re-traumatize you. When working one-on-one with you I have the ability to appropriately assess and consider your window of tolerance and history before giving guidance and directives specific to you and your unique situation. In this activity, I am making some bold suggestions with the vision of a secure-functioning relationship in mind (not necessarily your specific relationship). If any of these are creating the opposite effect and causing more harm than good, please discontinue and reach out to one of the referrals provided for traditional therapy.
*Feeling awkward and a little uncomfortable is ok. Pause if feeling disoriented, dissociated, back in time, or if conflicts are escalating.
Alright, let’s go for it!
Getting started:
Put love on, and commit to doing this together.
Spend a couple of minutes discussing why you are doing this with each other and write it down somewhere you can refer to regularly (like on those days you don’t see the point or think it’s necessary).
You might even prime your brain by watching your favorite romantic movie together or listening to your wedding song. I would also highly encourage you to keep notes in a binder, a folder or a journal. A picture journal is also encouraged! Just for fun–I’ve included some theme songs with some of the prompts for you to play on Spotify to help you set the tone. You are welcome and encouraged to build your own playlist together.
If at any point you miss a week or fall behind, just pick up with the next one. The rhythm/act of coming back together regularly is more important than any one task in this challenge.
Week 1 February 15th:
Write a 1-2 page love letter to each other.
Get as mushy as your heart desires! Write from the heart and express your gratitude, admiration and commitment to each other. Express what you hope to feel at the end of this challenge together and your hopes and dreams for your future together.
You can opt to read them together or to leave them for each other to leave in private. Either way, it’s best to agree on a day/time to hand them off, and a time to discuss (not analyze!) them with each other.
Theme song: “Now Is The Start” by a Fine Frenzy
Week 2 February 22nd:
Be each other’s cheerleader.
Your objective is to very intentionally give more compliments than criticisms this week. Notice the little things your partner does and watch their spirit bloom. You can still make requests and even complaints if needed, just do it without putting your partner down in the process.
Examples:
Extra sweet: “I really appreciate that you’ve been cooking more. It feels so good just knowing someone is going to make dinner. I also think it’s fair for me to do the dishes. Would it be possible to use fewer pans though? I’m having a hard time getting them all cleaned efficiently.”
Still nice: “I really appreciate you cooking, and I totally agree I should do the dishes. Is it possible to use fewer pans so I don’t have to spend as much time cleaning before doing bath time though? Or could we do some of the dishes together if the dishwasher is already full?”
Not going to go well: Thanks for dinner, but do you have to use so many pans?
Criticism defined: “Any statement that implies that there is something globally wrong with one’s partner, something that is probably a lasting aspect of the partner’s character. Any statement that begins with “you always” or “you never” will be a criticism rather than a complaint.”
-Gottman, The Marriage Clinic
*Keep Gottman’s 5:1 ratio in mind. Gottman says if a couple can keep a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative statements or interactions, then the 4 horsemen (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, & stonewalling) are not lethal to the relationship.
Theme song: “Lift Me Up” by Imaginary Future
Week 3 March 1st:
Self-reflection and asking your partner for feedback.
Spend some time reflecting on how you engage in the relationship and some of your potential areas for growth (otherwise known as your flaws).
Please give yourself some grace knowing we all have them. None of us are perfect, and none of us are easy to live with everyday. This also isn’t a job interview where you’re encouraged to say something like, “I care too much”. It’s a chance for you to look in the mirror and take accountability pro-actively rather than getting defensive when your partner tries to bring these things to your attention.
Some common ones: being quick to anger or quick to blame, selfishness or not considering your partner, avoidance or aggression, being overly critical or controlling, not being very nurturing, failing to communicate expectations, etc.
Take turns sharing with each other, and if you feel safe doing so–make the very bold move to express a desire to work on these things and ask your partner for feedback.
Again, as the listening partner you want to encourage vulnerability and accountability. Hearing these things validated could bring up some anger and old resentments. Name these feelings, but try not to let them dominate the conversation. Lean into appreciation and efforts to improve. You don’t have to “get over” anything, but you do want to encourage more conversations like this.
Theme song: “Lost in the Light” Bahamas
Week 4 March 8th:
Contemplate grace and humility.
These concepts have become a lifeline to me as my husband and I walk through parenthood. Prior to allowing for grace and humility, I was swimming in rigidity and neuroticism about fairness.
Many of you have probably heard me encourage grace and humility over and over to you. Personally, my belief is that grace is not something we earn because we are perfect, it’s a free gift that we operate from because we will never be perfect or good enough (at least not in this life).
My definitions of grace and humility may not match yours and that’s ok. I highly encourage you to write your own!
Spend some time together conversing about grace and humility–what they mean to you, how comfortable you are receiving and allowing grace for each other, and how comfortable you are putting your partner before yourself.
What fears come up at the thought of putting each other first? What fears do you have about giving or receiving more than you feel is deserved? What other values or parts of your personality would you have to intentionally set aside to make more room for grace and humility?
“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.” –C.S. Lewis
Theme song: Butterflies by “Kacey Musgraves”
Week 5 March 15th:
Have some fun! Try something new together.
Sometimes it’s important to remember that you like each other. One way to do this is to have a new experience together and see each other with fresh eyes. Some couples may feel ready to blow off steam, and some couples may have a greater need to relax. This is totally your call.
What you are doing is far less important than how you are doing it. Creativity is encouraged here! If what you really want is to have the house to yourselves to eat takeout in bed, see if you can find a way to make that happen.
If you feel like you are in a rut and need a change of scenery, see if you can find a way to make that happen. This can be as simple as booking a night at Sur La Table or going cliff-jumping at the nearest watering hole or as elaborate as a spontaneous roadtrip.
*While it’s helpful to try something out of your comfort zone, it’s also important not to go too far out of your comfort zone. If you’re the more adventurous partner–please take care of your partner and be a doting tour guide. Please don’t traumatize your partner by coercing them into something too wild. If you’re the more cautious one–please honor your limits while also considering the benefit of a new experience.
Theme song: “We Are Young” (feat. Janelle Monae)
Week 6 March 22nd:
Part 1: Communication check-in.
You are now halfway through the relationship challenge. How open is the line of communication between the two of you? Are there topics you’ve been avoiding or compartmentalizing? Now is a good time to put things back on the table and utilize the emotional check-in tool provided if you haven’t already been doing so.
Part 2: Take inventory of any barriers to connection and de-triangulate them.
Part of maintaining a secure-functioning relationship is the proper management of any thirds. Thirds can include vices such as alcohol, drugs or porn; relationships with other people including parents, children or coworkers/friends; or special interests–hobbies, exercising, Twitter/Instagram, etc.
When thirds are properly managed, they are bringing energy into the relationship and having a positive impact on your relationship overall (even if it requires some near-term sacrifice). The mindset is something like “what’s good for you is good for us, so I want to support your well-being” or “even if this is hard, it’s making us stronger as a couple so I see the long-term value of it”.
When thirds are not properly managed–you’ll know because you and your partner will have constant arguments over how much time is spent on that thing, and you’ll see more jealousy in the relationship. The third will be creating a wedge instead of a bridge.
*Sometimes, the devil is in the dose. For example, most people would agree that they want their partner to be healthy and exercise. However, if that means a 3 hour work-out with no flexibility in scheduling it–you might have a problem.
So start small by naming anything that has been triangulated into your relationship and is preventing intimacy, and then discuss some potential ways to de-triangulate it or get this third in check.
“If something has to give, it better not be your marriage”
-Stan Tatkin
Bonus: Removing negative influences could also make way for a larger conversation about what positive influences and support you want to add to your relationship. I’ve focused these 12 weeks specifically on you and your partner, but the truth is most couples are in desperate need of more communal and spiritual support.
If you are recognizing that you and your partner are often fighting because you are drowning in life’s responsibilities or that you are generally isolated, please consider exploring options for building a community or more of a relationship with a higher power.
Week 7 March 29th:
Repair and amends.
As hard as it can be to own up to our own behaviors and mistakes, relationships are so much more peaceful when we do. If you are both invested in this activity, you will build trust and good faith over time and it will feel really good to maintain a clean slate with each other.
So here are 3 simple steps to walk through individually, and then 3 simple steps to walk through together.
Reflection process (individually):
- Search your heart – How have you been engaging in your relationship recently?
- Admitting to yourself your specific actions or inactions.
- What can you do to make it right?
Amends (together):
- Take responsibility for your actions and behaviors (no excuses, rationalization or blaming).
- Ask for forgiveness.
- Commit to change.
Theme song: “Jumper” by Third Eye Blind
Week 8 April 5th
A walk down memory lane.
Find a picture that encapsulates the beginning of your relationship, and talk about when you first met.
Looking at pictures might remind you of how much you love each other and how happy you are that you got married, and it may also prompt you to reminisce and grieve how much things have changed.
Grief is a natural part of life. Even in the happiest transitions, we often need to grieve what we’ve lost.
Additionally, couples tend to carry narratives from the past that are no longer serving them. If reflecting on memories turns into a conversation about what went wrong, see if you can use that same formula from Week 7 (repair and amends) to intentionally forgive and let go of stories from the past that might be burdening your relationship in the present.
*Keep in mind that most people don’t hold on to negative memories because they want to. Our brain’s number one job is to keep us alive. If we experienced something harmful our brain will attempt to fire a warning when it senses that same danger is near. Your job as partners is to bring those negative experiences/injuries to light and validate each other’s feelings so that they no longer hold power in the dark.
Theme song: “Ooh La La” by Faces
Week 9 April 12th
Acceptance.
Every relationship has a set of perpetual issues. These are the issues that have no real resolution and are going to keep coming up again and again…likely for the rest of your life…in different forms because they are rooted in you being two different people. It is a hard reality that you and your partner are two unique individuals with different personalities and differences in some of the needs that are central to who you are.
Perpetual issues could include things like one person is a morning person and the other is a night owl, one person is an introvert and the other is an extrovert, one person cannot function in clutter and the other cares more about deep cleaning. In the grand scheme of things, the research shows that keeping a dialogue and the affect (positive or negative) around these issues is more important than solving them.
Some perspective: A relationship with a clone would be quite boring and couples that do not have a clear concept of where one person ends and the other begins have a different set of issues on their hands–codependence, identity issues, etc. If you are arguing about your differences, you likely have a clear sense of who you are as people. That’s a good thing!
So here’s the task: Reflect and talk with each other about the parts of your partner’s identity that you have been fighting against, and consider what it might be like to surrender and accept them.
What are the things you have been trying to change about your partner that likely cannot be changed? Similarly, if in doing this exercise you recognize how much your partner has attempted to change or has changed for you–express appreciation for that.
*Try not to confuse identity with behavior. We all have to make changes in how we operate if we want our marriage to function properly. It’s not enough to shrug and say “you married me” when your partner vocalizes complaints.
However, if you are viewing everything your partner does and doesn’t do as a reflection of how they feel about you and your relationship–you are likely personalizing too much. In your attempts to feel more connected or to stay regulated, it’s possible you are not seeing your partner for who they are. If there is something you’ve been trying to change about your partner for 5+ years that you have not seen move, it might be time to let it go.
A ray of hope: Acceptance often leads to a deeper sense of knowing your partner and more security in how to manage your differences. Acceptance removes the threat because it is acknowledging what is, and it shifts your focus back to the things you can control.
*Buy Week* April 19th (Easter weekend)
Leaving if/how to celebrate to your preference.
My suggestion for any holiday would be to collaborate on plans. You can always leave room for some surprises, but I find holidays are the smoothest when both partners contribute to plans and both clearly state their desires and expectations. Don’t leave it until the last minute, and don’t wait to be disappointed. Stay pro-active and collaborative in conversations about any holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays!
Week 10 April 26th
Problem-solving skills.
In week 9, we talked about accepting and making room for who you are as people. This week we are exploring how you operate as a couple in order to build more collaboration and to strengthen your ability to problem-solve as a team. I’m a big believer in solving what is solvable. Compromise and small wins can create a world of difference in your day-to-day.
On any given week, there are some fights you might be able to predict from a mile away. This could be things like running late to drop your kid(s) off at school, telling each other how to drive, one person is doing the majority of the cleaning, etc.
The family meetings are meant to help mitigate the repetition of such annoyances, but if you haven’t already caught them there–
- Take a minute to list your top 5 most predictable and consistent conflicts.
- Get out both of your phones and use one for a camera and one for a stop watch.
- Set the timer for 10 minutes and record yourselves spending 10 minutes trying to come up with a solution for this argument.
- Play it back and watch only yourself–are you being a team player? Are you being helpful or are you blaming and criticizing?
- Repeat 2 or 3 more times and pause to see if you’ve gotten anywhere.
If you came up with a solution–hurray!! You’ve put the relationship first and you’ve demonstrated effective problem-solving skills.
Now all you need to do is agree on a trial period and try out your new solution.
Still struggling? You might need to do some higher level thinking or some deeper emotional unpacking. Maybe this issue is more complicated than you thought. It’s also possible one or both of you is being stubborn. Stick a pin in it and agree to come back to this in the morning.
Week 11 May 3rd
Sexual intimacy.
Many couples make the error of overly focusing on the frequency of their sexual encounters at the cost of talking through all of the other pieces of the puzzle that could unlock desire.
When you lead a conversation about sexual intimacy with the demand to have more of it, your partner is likely to shut down. At a minimum, it’s a turn off. But more importantly, you risk communicating that you care more about your need to have sex than what might be going on in the relationship that is preventing desire from forming.
Emily Nagoski’s research on sexual intimacy and burn out found that the number one reason most women report not wanting to have sex is that they are tired. I know it’s not a sexy thing to say, but it’s an unfortunate reality–most of the couples I work with are simply too tired or pressed for time to maintain their sex life.
That said, instead of framing your sex life as a problem to be solved, I would encourage you to embrace it as a resource in your relationship.
In the same vein as being a team and being best friends, being lovers can be something that reminds you of why you like being married and why no other relationship can compare to the bond that is built between spouses in a marriage.
So the task this week is to start with the positive: What would it take for us both to experience our sex life as a resource and not a demand?
How can we shift our expectations or our conversations about sex so that we both look forward to them instead of feeling like we are failing?
Secondly, identify the roadblocks to having sex. Again, fortunately or unfortunately (depending on how you look at it), most of the work towards a more fulfilling sex life happens outside of the bedroom. Foreplay starts long before you are physically touching each other.
Talk about the things that hit the brakes on your sex drive–both relational and individual stressors or factors like hormones.
Lastly, talk about what attracts you to your partner. When do you find your desire for your partner is the highest? You might be surprised to hear what your partner has to say!
Try to embrace learning something new in every conversation about sex.
Theme songs: “Acoustic” by Billy Raffoul, “July Flame” by Laura Veirs
*Buy week* May 10th (Mother’s Day Weekend)
Leaving if/how to celebrate to your preference.
My suggestion for any holiday would be to collaborate on plans. You can always leave room for some surprises, but I find holidays are the smoothest when both partners contribute to plans and both clearly state their desires and expectations. Don’t leave it until the last minute, and don’t wait to be disappointed. Stay pro-active and collaborative in conversations about any holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays!
Week 12 May 17th
Part 1: Existential fears and spirituality.
I alluded to this in Week 6, and I think it’s important to circle back to the potential need to deepen your spirituality. One sure-fire way to know if you need to find your faith/philosophy or not is to talk with each other about the state of the world.
What keeps you up at night? What gives you hope? How are you processing and coping with the world outside of your house?
Do you as a couple feel rooted in something bigger than yourselves?
*Many people have experienced moral and religious injuries that make it very difficult to pursue any type of organized religion or faith. This is also an area of your relationship that can easily be compartmentalized or neglected in attempts to just get through each day. As with any trauma, (and potentially even more-so with religious trauma) it is so important to feel a sense of agency in how you move forward and the direction and pace with which you are moving. So please know my intention is not to push you in any direction, but more to highlight if there might be a need to begin working in this area.
Part 2: Concluding reflections.
Look back at your “why” from the beginning of this challenge, and the hopes and dreams you expressed in Week 1.
How did you do?! What have you learned, what’s been hard, and what do you need to maintain the progress you’ve made?
Take some time to celebrate any and all of your wins.
In closing,
If you got through every part of this challenge, you should be extremely proud of yourselves.
Regardless of where you are landing, I want you to know that working this intentionally on your relationship with your spouse is rare.
I hope that this challenge has increased your confidence in your relationship, unlocked some pathways to a deeper connection and solidified some relationship skills. If you have found that you feel secure in continuing to build on this progress on your own, please feel free to let me know!
If you are feeling more discouraged then encouraged as you wrap up, please remember that all relationships are a work in progress. Some days are harder than others, and there is no such thing as a perfect relationship.
Either way, you can expect to hear from me soon. I look forward to continuing to work with you and hearing how you’ve been managing on your own.
Sincerely,
Alex
