In the process of getting organized and working through logistics in your family meeting, you might have had to stick a pin in some of the more emotionally charged pieces of your conversation for the sake of moving the conversation forward. You may have found that your conversation hit some nerves that you didn’t quite have the time to address. This could include things like not having enough time together, unfair division of labor, or feeling that your spouse didn’t hear you or accept your influence in the conversation. I would encourage you to circle back on anything that left you feeling emotionally disconnected, even if you were able to reach a logistical starting point.
Additionally, even if the family meeting went smoothly, having regular conversations about your day and your feelings with your partner is essential to building and maintaining emotional intimacy. In fact, Drs. John and Julie Gottman have recommended having a 20-minute stress reducing conversation with your partner daily.
As hinted by the title “stress reducing conversation”, the process of talking with each other would ideally relieve stress, not create it. For some couples, reducing stress is as simple as setting the intention and time aside to talk about their days over dinner or a late-night snack. If active listening and vulnerably sharing with each other comes easily to you, then you can certainly just pull up a chair and begin.
However, if you know that you and your partner are struggling to connect or if for any reason you know that an emotional check-in might be a challenge for you and your spouse, you might find that these conversations flow better when you’ve done some self-regulating or co-regulating first. How you show up to the conversation and how you start the conversation can both make a big difference.
If one or both of you are dysregulated and/or still in work-mode, you might engage in the conversation from more of a left-brained perspective when what you really need and want is a right-brain connection (a heart-to-heart).
Note: It is ok if you simply need time to transition before you’re ready to fully engage with each other. A need for transition time isn’t always a sign of dysregulation or disconnection in the relationship, some people just need a minute to switch gears.
Whatever the case, it is worth taking a couple of minutes to center and ground together or separately so that you can be fully present.
Some suggestions:
-Go on a walk or stretch.
-Take a shower or a bath.
-Start with meditation or a prayer.
-Listen to music.
-Lead with humor.
Some cautions:
-It’s generally best to have these conversations earlier in the day (or at least before 10 pm).
-Avoid having conversations under the influence of alcohol or other substances.
-Make sure you’re not hangry.
Once you’re settled, an emotional check-in can begin with a question as simple as “How are you?” or “How was your day?”. There are no hard rules for what questions you should or should not ask.
However, if you find that more specific prompts are helpful in deepening the conversation, here are some suggestions for getting the conversation started:
-“What was the best part of your day and how did you feel?”
-“Do you want to share anything that’s been on your mind lately?”
-”What’s something you feel proud of recently?”
-”Did anything stressful happen today? Can we talk about it?”
-”How can I make you feel more loved?”
-”What are you looking forward to this week?”
-”Is there something you’ve been struggling with?”
– Follow-up on something your partner has been mentioning with more frequency lately.
Another way of initiating an emotional check-in is by stating your feelings or observations:
-“I’ve noticed that you seem a little down today. Can we talk about it?”
-”I had the best day today. Can I tell you about it?”
-“I’ve been feeling a little lonely lately. I think it would help if we talked.”
-“I know you’re not avoiding me, but I’m starting to tell myself that you are. Can we please sit down together so I feel more connected?”
-“I’ve tried to let go of what you said the other day, but I’m still feeling pretty hurt. Can we please try talking about it again?”
-”I noticed we haven’t fought once this week! What do you think we’re doing differently?
Try to avoid harsh start-ups like “We need to talk.” or “You still owe me an apology.”
More than anything, the purpose of the emotional check-in is to bond with each other. Naturally, there may be moments where you find yourself wanting to insert an opinion or advice. A simple way to determine if that is needed or welcomed is to ask!
“Do you want me to give…” or “Are you ok with me giving some input, or do you just want me to listen?”
Here are some flags that could indicate needing to re-focus on being present:
-If your partner says something like “I just really need a friend” or “You’re not really hearing me”.
-If you find yourself over-explaining or pursuing a very specific response to help you feel better.
-If neither of you can say anything right and you notice anxiety is escalating more than it is being soothed.
If/when this happens, try not to get too frustrated. Try not to get lost in old narratives. Instead, try simply naming the feelings and trying again. Sometimes it takes several attempts and some alone time to process to make headway. Give yourselves the time and space you need to honor each other’s feelings.
And remember: your presence and empathy are more important than the content of what either of you are saying. Our bodies naturally tend to relax when we are talking with someone who is calm and grounded. Our bodies tend to stay tense when we are more focused on getting a point across than on listening and connecting. We can communicate a lot of care to our partners through our eyes, our hands, and our posture. For example, if your partner starts to cry, leaning comfortably towards them is a great way to nonverbally communicate “I’m here”.
And still–verbal validation and actively tracking your partner are helpful ways to show you are paying attention. Over time, both of you have the task of co-constructing the blueprint for what helps your partner to feel seen and heard.
Note: Though it may feel this way sometimes, our partner’s job is not to affirm or agree with everything we say. You can disagree with your partner or see things differently and still validate their perspective. While it can be hard to hold space for both (different opinions and valid feelings), emotional intimacy requires flexibility and openness of both the mind and the heart. We have to be able to appreciate and validate a different perspective if we want to be able to join with our spouse.
To the partner seeking a “yes man”–you might have to work on self-validation and becoming more solid in knowing when you’re “right”. To the partner struggling to validate–you might need to work on letting go of “right” and joining with what does make sense to you.
So with that in mind, rather than prescribing some generic responses to practice with validating–I find it is most effective to reflect on what you know about your partner in constructing more validating phrases. Any friend, hairdresser or grocery store clerk can validate that something is hard for your partner. What makes a conversation with you unique is your relationship with them. You, presumably, know them better than anyone else in the world. Let your responses be a signal for that level of understanding and intimacy.
Some examples:
-If you know your partner struggles with confidence, you might focus on building their confidence through the conversation. This could be things like, “That was a really good idea, I wouldn’t have thought of that”.
-If you know your partner tends to think outside the box and that this can be isolating, you might focus on their strength of being an independent thinker and validating the loneliness of it.
-If you know your partner has a strong need for justice, you might need to champion their cause. This could be saying something like, “That burns me up too! I can see why you’re upset”.
-If you know your partner works really hard and has a hard time feeling like they’ve done enough, focus on validating their effort and holding boundaries (not that they could do more).
Realistic expectations:
Keep in mind that you and your partner are human and these conversations are vulnerable. Try to give yourselves some room for trial and error and make an effort to observe what it looks like when your partner is really trying to be there for you. The last thing you want to do is discourage your partner from asking about your day.
It is ok that both of you have limits to your emotional bandwidth and capacity, and it is important to honor them. If you notice yourself getting shrill or tense, take that as a cue you need to regulate. Additionally, the shutdown response is typically our nervous system’s last ditch effort for survival. If you get to the point of feeling extreme fatigue or fog, you’ve gone too far outside your window of tolerance. The hypo-arousal state could take 30 minutes or sometimes even hours to recover from so it is counterproductive to try to override the nervous system when this is happening. Instead, focus on soothing.
Hopefully this post helps you initiate and navigate an emotional check-in with your partner, but if you are finding that you continuously get stuck and the conversations are leaving you in a worse place than when you started—this would be an indication that professional help is needed.
There are so many different variables that impact how difficult it is to talk about feelings, but the good news is that by reading this and attempting–you have already taken a huge step.
So there is always hope, and please know it is ok to ask for help if you need it!
Sincerely,
Alex
