As we enter the season of family time and togetherness, many couples are already bracing themselves for that yearly visit to their in-laws. This is not to say that the visits are all bad or that you don’t like your in-laws (though that would be ok if you didn’t), but when the whole family gets together things can just get a little stressful and complicated.
As a therapist, I want to instill some hope in the potential that you and your partner don’t have to just endure these visits. With a little more intentionality and effort, I strongly believe that you and your partner might be able to find some calm in the chaos. You might even be able to laugh about it all!
In working with couples, here are the top complaints I hear about what happens when couples visit family:
- The husband checks out and the wife feels responsible for carrying the conversation with his parents.
- A family member teases one or both partners, and neither partner likes it.
- Despite years of being in the family, one partner still feels like an outsider.
- Partners don’t feel supported during confrontations.
- One partner feels abandoned by the other during visits.
Each of these complaints can be loaded with lots of emotional pain and a history that began long before your partner ever came into the picture. For this reason, it can be very helpful to sort through some of these issues individually with a therapist to help you with some healthy differentiation from your family. Even so, all families have some level of dysfunction and unfinished business, and it’s pretty likely your partner will be introduced to it sooner or later.
In a secure-functioning relationship, your partner’s presence in your family system should add some much-needed comfort and stability, and vice versa. However, what is more often the case, is that couples adapt to the family system individually rather than together as a unit. It’s more of an “every man for himself” kind of arrangement.
Unfortunately, families are very good at unintentionally (or intentionally) causing a rift between couples. Sometimes it’s because sisters are protective of their brother (your husband). Sometimes it’s because fathers are protective of their daughters (your wife). Sometimes mothers-in-law are used to running the show, and they take offense to new boundaries. Some families are very insular, and it’s an uphill battle for any outsider to be accepted. Sometimes families members carry their own resentments about marriage and they project them onto yours. The possibilities are endless, but the important thing is that you and your partner become aware of what happens to your relationship when you are around your families.
Here are some secure-functioning principles for you and your partner to become familiar with so that you can begin to shift your mindset going into these encounters:
- Your relationship with your husband or wife comes first. (Yep, even above pleasing your parents. So choose your partner wisely!)
- The couple bubble–the boundary around you and your partner’s relationship–should be one that creates more security and comfort for both of you. (Ex. Insisting your husband cut off contact with his mother does not create comfort for him. It has to work for both of you.)
- Any thirds–any outside people, substances, or hobbies–that you bring into your relationship, should be managed in a way that brings energy into the relationship. (Ex. If you get in fights about how much one of you drinks around family, you are mismanaging that third.)
- It is your job to look out for each other and to have each other’s back. (Again, this has to work for both of you. If your partner doesn’t want you to confront someone on their behalf, don’t.)
- You should have the owner’s manual on how to read your partner. (Ex. Do you know what it looks like when they’re overwhelmed and need a break?)
All of these principles take a lot of processing and time to fully understand and grasp, but it helps to get on the same page about the bigger picture.
Now, alas, for those quick tips I promised!
Even if you and your partner have lots of work to do to get on more solid ground in your relationship, here are some simple ways you can do a better job of remaining a team around your families:
- Put a plan together ahead of time. Are there specific people you know you want to visit while you’re in town? Do you know that you do better if you have a little alone time each day? Make room for these things in your itinerary.
- Stage the scene. Are there any predictable scenarios that make either of you uncomfortable? Stage how it normally goes and stage how you would like it to go. (This is one of my favorite things to do with couples because 1. sometimes the solution is so simple and 2. Sometimes we uncover some deep-rooted attachment injuries.)
- Identify any topics that are off-limits ahead of time.
- Make an effort to include your partner in the conversation.
- Make an effort to get to know your partner’s family.
- Don’t join in if your family is teasing your partner.
- Set an intention to make more eye contact with each other throughout the trip.
- If you spot a bully on the move, physically move closer to your partner. If you feel yourself getting heated or reactive, go to your partner.
- Know that you can leave, but don’t leave the premises without telling each other.
- Don’t drink too much or use too much of any substance.
In a similar post, How to Holiday-Proof Your Marriage, I’ve written in more detail about how these tips relate to attachment theory.
Looking for more help? Feel free to email me at info@alexbarnettecounseling.com to see if therapy could be a good fit for you.
