As we all attempt to make sense of COVID-19 and attempt to cope with the uncertainty it brings, I wanted to share some of the free flow thoughts that have been circling in my head the past few days.
1. The future may be unpredictable, but we tend to respond in predictable ways.
Yes, these are uncharted territories, but most of us have a few familiar places our minds go when we encounter chaos. My hope is that outlining a few of these cycles will help you mentalize what you are experiencing so that you can step out of the cycle or spiral and make your way back to internal and external resources.
You know you are in a panic cycle when…You are making a lot of associations between the sensations in your body and any random thing in the environment. Your thoughts are racing. You are investing a lot of energy into “not freaking out” or you’re consumed with the fear of your next panic attack. Your body jerks you awake in the middle of the night because it doesn’t know how to relax. You feel like you’re buzzing at a higher level and the only way back to neutral is the post-panic attack crash.
How to cope: Focus on regulating your anxiety. Create a habit of using 1-3 short practices that help you breathe and re-center and incorporate some form of movement into your day most days of the week.
You know you are in a trauma vortex when…You’re in a constant state of fear, shame, guilt, and/or obligation. You can visibly see that you are safe but your body (your amygdala) is still signaling “danger”. You feel disoriented and easily lose track of time. You feel extremely lonely and helpless. You feel frozen and/or on edge at all times. Self-quarantining doesn’t just feel like staying at home, it makes you feel trapped and brings back old memories.
How to cope: Ask yourself, “Does this feel familiar?” briefly explore this, then tell yourself “I am having an emotional memory”, and find 5-10 things that are different in the here-and-now around you.
You know you are in an anxious-avoidant trap with your partner when…The two of you are split into the roles of “the super logical one” and “the super emotional one”. You can’t seem to get on the same page and you’re caught in a cycle of pursuing and distancing. You’re spending more time arguing about whose fault it is than you are finding solutions and collaborating. Your partner has become the reason dealing with the pandemic is so hard.
How to cope: Recognize that this is a scary time for both of you and neither of you has all of the answers. Remind each other that, for better or for worse, you are a team and you have to find a way to work together right now. Notice the difference between an accusation/criticism and a fear-based response coming from your partner.
2. How to process the unknown: pendulate and integrate.
By pendulating I mean yes, it’s important to face reality right now, and it’s also ok to maintain some level of normalcy. This might mean you follow the news more closely & have some hard conversations about finances, AND you spend some time going through parts of your normal daily routine just for the sake of it. It’s ok to pendulate between checking in and checking out, none of us can take all of this in at once.
By integrating I mean that we’re all witnessing two worlds collide—life before COVID-19 and life during it—and it’s important to integrate them in our minds. Our brain’s main job is to create a map of reality so every new experience needs to get integrated into that map. Life during COVID-19 seems to be permeating the world pretty rapidly but, for now, I think there are still going to be many moments where we think, “Is this really happening?”. When you have that thought and then you look and see your home is still the same, you’re still healthy, the trees and sidewalks seem intact, etc. it’s confusing.
How can it be that 2 weeks ago you were just planning [fill in the blank] and now you’re just wondering if you’ll be able to stay healthy, secure your job, or get enough groceries to sustain you a few weeks? It might also be easy (though getting less easy) to pretend it’s not real or to distort your reality. But the pandemic is real.
So one way to integrate this new reality with the old is by talking to someone (ideally a therapist, but it doesn’t have to be) that can help you hold space for both worlds. This is so important because it allows us to hold on to some of the “good” while we’re encountering so much “bad”. We don’t want to completely lose sight of life without COVID-19 which can turn into panic mode (with no off switch) and we don’t want to deny our current reality which would spread the virus and potentially put you in harm’s way.
So you need to talk about and integrate the full picture–what is, what was, and what might be. Again, therapists are trained at how to hold space for all of these areas and how to pace these conversations, but even talking with friends and family can do a lot of good. The more you do this, the more your brain builds a map that includes this new experience.
3. There is no “right” way to feel right now. We’re all in this together, but COVID-19 will affect everyone a little differently.
Some people feel scared for friends and family members that are already sick, some people feel highly suspicious of the government, some people feel intimidated by a lack of job security, some people feel a loss of joy around plans gone awry, and some people are flat out bored. Whatever you are feeling is ok. Find the people that allow you to talk about your unique situation without judgment and remind yourself that you are allowed to feel what you feel no matter how trivial it may seem.
Hoping this post helps put you a little at ease if even just for a minute. If you have any questions, need help finding a therapist, or would like to set up an appointment please feel free to email me at info@alexbarnettecounseling.com.
