If you’re a parent, I don’t need to tell you that there are a million little things to do for your kid or kids everyday. Rather than go through each task, chore, etc. I’ve noticed that most couples seem to do a generalized overview of who does what and that becomes the status quo until the scale tips too far in one person’s direction and it’s time to re-evaluate.
And when I say “until the scale tips too far” I mean, until one person reaches an absolute breaking point and all hell breaks loose–as was the case for one couple I worked with whose presenting issue was the “Yogurt Incident of 2018”*.
For this couple, everything was “fine” until one morning the wife was feeding the couple’s toddler yogurt in his high chair and as she recalled–the husband walked into the kitchen, saw her struggling with feeding their son, and walked right past them both into the bathroom. Seething, she waited until her husband got out of the bathroom to see if maybe then he’d see the look on her face and offer to help.
Nope.
He didn’t. So she took the bowl and the remaining yogurt and threw it at him to get his attention and a screaming match ensued.
Now, when I asked the husband what happened, he said something along the lines of, “I walked into the kitchen, saw she was taking care of breakfast, and I had to go to the bathroom so I went to the bathroom. When I walked out there was a bowl of yogurt being hurled at me for no apparent reason”.
The wife’s “subtle hints” were apparently too subtle for him.
How do couples get to this point? Is there another way?
This past weekend my husband and I took an impromptu trip to Houston to visit my sister, brother-in-law and two nephews ages 4 and 18 months. The reason I point out that it was an impromptu trip is because I generally try to get my rest before we go visit so I’m nice and energized for my nephews who I love so dearly but who also leave me feeling a little fried.
So anyways, Saturday night rolls around and we’re finishing our dinner when the witching hour begins. My sister got up from the dinner table without saying a word (I think?) to take Welsey (18 month-old) and Nolan (4 year-old) to their baths. I sat there for a moment longer to finish my food and ran through my options in my mind (I should help her…but it’s not really my job…I did already help clean and cook dinner and I am tired…oh whatever I’ll just go).
So I get up and go help with their baths and the boys are splashing around having a jolly time. Meredith looks delighted to have some help and I feel guilty for not jumping up sooner. She even offered me the prized stool to sit on, a very nice gesture. When I asked where all of their toys were, Meredith explains that they’re not allowed to have more than one in the tub after the recent “incident” in which Wesley accidentally sat on one. Mer looks at me and says, “Yea that was a bad night”.
Then Mer went to prepare their jammies while I helped the boys with “their soaps”. I noted that this time she left without reminding me that they can drown in a bathtub of water (as if I didn’t already know that and as if I would let that happen) and she didn’t coach me on anything I needed to be careful of (another reason I hesitate on helping with bathtime). “Nice,” I think, “maybe bathtime’s gotten a little easier around here.”
Then Wes decides he wants under the faucet and elbows his way over Nolan to get to it. So Nolan decides to slap him in the face. Honestly, I don’t think Wes even noticed–he was too enthralled by the water coming out of the faucet–but I get on to Nolan, Nolan gets upset, Meredith walks in and tells them both it’s time to get out, and both Nolan and Wesley start to lose their minds.
I scoop Wesley up and put him on Mer’s bed to dry him off and put his diaper on and Mer starts bargaining with Nolan. Both of them are whining and wiggling every which way, and I’m suddenly reminded of just how difficult they really are when they’re difficult. So I take a deep breath and I’m holding Wesley down with one hand and maneuvering the diaper around him with the other when,
“BAM!”
Wesley kicks me right in the freaking mouth. Yes, his foot is rather little, but 1. I can’t tell you the last time I was kicked in the mouth so it caught me completely off guard 2. It hurt and 3. He did it on purpose! So that hurt emotionally.
I was surprised at my need to fight back tears when Meredith swooped in out of nowhere and said, “Alright Wesley you’re going to bed!”. She did some kungfu maneuver and had the diaper on him in two seconds and then looked at him and said “You do NOT kick Auntie Alex” and carried him out of the room as he continued his screaming and wiggling down the hallway.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever loved and admired my sister as much as I did at that moment. It was one of the most heroic moves I’ve ever seen her make. It felt like she was defending my honor and also saving me from the fire-breathing dragon Welsey had turned into somewhere in the last 5 minutes. I know it sounds dramatic, but it still makes me emotional just thinking about it. It meant a lot.
So as my hero carries away the dragon, I turn to Nolan to help him with his jammies. He starts whining and huffing and puffing like Wesley, and I think to myself “Maybe he can just sleep naked”, but then I remember what a solid Meredith just did for me so I stick to the plan. I look at Nolan and I (surprisingly sternly) say, “Nolan. Come on” and he gets it. He puts one foot and then the other into his fire truck leggings and starts jumping on the bed to play. One small victory for Auntie Alex!
Then Wesley (who I thought was already asleep and had decided he hates me) comes waddling into the room happy as could be in his spaceship jammies and I hear Meredith following behind him saying, “Now you go tell her you’re sorry. Go on. Go give her a hug”.
Wesley looks at me, I look at him, then I look at Mer, and she whispers, “I don’t know if he actually knows how to say sorry”. We both laugh and Welsey comes waddling up to me for a hug and I scoop him up and tell him I forgive him and I love him.
End scene.
After reflecting on this experience and many conversations with couples about parenting, I came up with 3 main reasons why partners should take care of bath time together sometimes. Let’s start with the obvious–it is a lot of work!
It’s also a lot of work at the end of the day. Especially for moms (or dads) that work full-time and THEN play with kids and take care of bathtime. Or maybe especially for moms (or dads) that have spent their whole day at home and don’t know if they can tolerate one more meltdown. Both parents and ALL parents have their work cut out for them.
Reason #1 It takes two: Bathtime is a lot of work.
Not that Meredith has mentioned doing either of these things, but I could easily see how you might question your life when you’re just trying to ease into bedtime and your kid sits on a toy and screams for hours. Or–to say something I shouldn’t say–I can see how you might drift off mentally or doze off and leave a kid nearly drowning in the tub. There are a surprising amount of things that can go wrong during bathtime and sometimes it helps to have more supervision and support.
I can also imagine how I would’ve felt towards Meredith (and in this scenario, my husband and brother-in-law downstairs) if no one had been there in my moment of strife. Not that there’s anything wrong with people enjoying themselves, but I think there is something about the sound of laughter in the other room that compounds the isolation that moms feel.
Of course, there are times when individuals have to figure things out for themselves, but when you know help is literally around the corner and your hands are tied, it’s natural and (often healthy) to expect someone to check in with you. It’s also natural (though not so healthy) to find yourself looking for someone to blame. I wasn’t about to blame a baby for not wanting to go to bed. I can almost guarantee one of the adults or all of the adults would have become my object of transference if no one had noticed my hard work or my emotional state.
Sometimes it just doesn’t matter “whose turn it is”.
Reason #2 It takes two: Couples have to learn how to collaborate.
Even couples that have a clearly delineated division of labor need to know how and when to jump in and help each other. Tag-teaming is a form of collaboration and it is a great way to conserve energy and create downtime where there might not otherwise be any, but it doesn’t create the same sense of camaraderie that some good ole’ fashion teamwork does.
Collaboration in the form of working together in the here-and-now is hard because it requires SO much communication. Initially, yes, it probably would just be easier to do it yourself. Over time, however, you and your partner can find your rhythm together.
Sometimes collaborating means you work side by side, sometimes it means you lead, and sometimes it means you follow. Working side by side is difficult because you and your partner are likely two different people with two different ideas of how things could be done. Leading is difficult because you have to know what to do and delegate. Following is difficult because adults don’t like being told what to do.
In the specific scenario I was in, it felt pretty natural for me to follow my sister’s lead because she’s older than me and I respect that she bathes her kids every day and has a system that works for her. Yet, as I mentioned, there have been times when her cautions felt like micromanaging and I felt much less motivated to help and somewhat unappreciated. I point this out because it’s one reason partners might opt to look the other way instead of offering a hand.
The thing any good team member has to remember is it’s not about you, it’s about playing to everyone’s strengths and getting the job done.
Reason #3 It takes two: We bond when we go through hard things together.
This seems to be the least obvious reason for partners to help each other out in a task that seemingly only takes one person, but I would argue it’s the most important. We remember the people that were there for us when we needed them and we develop a familial love for them.
If you played sports or watched Cheer on Netflix, you probably know what I mean. Most sports teams have this down to a science, and the ones that don’t fall apart (Last Chance U on Netflix). Soldiers bond when they’re at war risking their lives for each other. In fact, Stan Tatkin argues that one of the main reasons marriages fall apart is that partners don’t seem to need each other for a common purpose or know why they’re together.
The Gottmans reference love maps and fondness and admiration as the first two levels of their Sound Relationship House. If you and your partner aren’t getting your hands dirty together occasionally, you might be missing out on some really rich opportunities to witness each other’s strengths and bond in the process.
Attachment and connection happen in many little moments over time. No one expects you to enjoy every moment of parenthood or to feel excited at the thought of swapping some much-needed time to decompress for a kick in the mouth as you try to change your kid’s diaper.
Jump in anyways. Your partner will love you for getting in the foxhole with them, and I guarantee you’ll end up loving the feeling you get when they have your back too.
Looking for help? Feel free to reach out to me via email at info@alexbarnettecounseling.com.
*Details of the Yogurt Incident changed to protect confidentiality.
