Lately, it seems Instagram has been coming up in my office more in my work with couples. Initially, I found this unusual. I’m used to social media being brought up with individuals going through a break-up or struggling with self-worth. I didn’t really expect social media to impact couples’ relationships to the extent it has…or maybe I just hoped it wouldn’t because I hate to see Instagram win.
I’ve felt pretty resistant to writing a blog post about Instagram, especially knowing I would share it on Instagram, the very platform I’d probably bash. However, after reflecting a little more I came to this conclusion–Instagram doesn’t seem to be going anywhere so couples probably need some help figuring out how to navigate it. Additionally, as a therapist, I know that what we talk about loses its power. Instagram only “wins” if we aren’t informed users and let shame keep us from understanding its role in our relationships.
In this post, I am sharing my thoughts on why I believe Instagram has the potential to cause strain on closed, committed relationships. To me, this feels similar to writing a post about substance use or finances in relationships. My view is that fights about Instagram are not necessarily the core problem, but more likely a symptom of something deeper in the relationship (more in Part 2). Yet, it’s worth looking at what makes Instagram such an effective wedge in relationships.
Why Instagram is uniquely qualified to cause strain on relationships:
1. Engagement.
One of the main reasons Instagram has done so well is the app’s ability to directly connect users with their followers. Direct engagement makes initiating relationships (or affairs) easy. You don’t have to have someone’s phone number or anything in common to strike up a conversation. You just like or comment on a photo or follow the person and let the interactions begin.
The strain: Instagram is an easy way to connect with people that may not necessarily have your relationship’s best interest in mind. It’s also easy to downplay or dramatize the significance of these interactions.
2. Mobile functionality.
The app is on your phone which means it goes pretty much everywhere with you. However, unlike your phone, a DM (direct message) on Instagram is not going to pop up like a text message. Plus, most people don’t log in to Instagram on their computers, so it’s probably not going to show up there either.
The strain: The app is accessible and discreet which makes keeping secrets on Instagram fairly easy. It might be just as easy to catch someone in a lie if they routinely post and overshare on Instagram, but revelations through Instagram never build trust.
3. It’s addicting.
Instagram is addicting in a few very calculated ways which this article explains nicely. First, there’s the dopamine hit you get from the successful social interaction of someone liking your post that could replace your need to interact in-person. Second, have you ever noticed that the scrolling function on Instagram resembles a slot machine? Instagram is designed to keep you hopeful for a positive reward even when you don’t receive one. Instagram also strategically notifies you of likes and comments intermittently so you keep checking your phone. As Haynes explains, “If we perceive a reward to be delivered at random, and if checking for the reward comes at little cost, we end up checking habitually (e.g. gambling addiction)”.
The strain: Screentime usually means time away from your relationship. Additionally, if Instagram in and of itself is addicting, we can imagine that messages from attractive outsiders are that much more enticing.
4. Fantasy and infatuation.
We all know that a person’s Instagram account is the highlight reel of their lives the same way we know someone we’re infatuated with has flaws. Yet sometimes knowing something cognitively doesn’t exactly change how we feel. When we first meet someone we are romantically interested in, our brain is on drugs. Everything that person does is funny, they never look bad, and they always say just the right thing. Oh hey, that sounds an awful lot like the usual Instagram post!
The strain: If you are infatuated with someone–whether it’s your partner or an outsider–looking at their Instagram account is the perfect way to sustain the fantasy version of who they are. This idealization could inhibit or delay seeing your partner for who they really are and it could increase temptation with an outsider.
5. Novelty and comparisons.
Instagram can impact your relationship even if you’re not engaging in any dishonest or gray-area behavior. In working with couples, I often hear how relationships can get stale (I’ve written about how to increase passion and desire in a previous post). Well, looking at Instagram is one way to confirm that your relationship is boring. There is no shortage of couples going on fun trips together, achieving life milestones, and generally looking very happy together…because that’s what Instagram is for. Comparisons via Instagram are especially threatening because they are often not realistic.
The strain: Comparisons rob us of joy and cause us to devalue what we have; that includes our relationships.
If after reading this you’re feeling uneasy about how Instagram might be affecting your relationship, stay with me for Part 2: Instagram and Your Relationship.
If you and your partner are struggling with seeing eye-to-eye on how Instagram or other entities affect your relationship, now might be a good time to begin couples therapy. Please feel free to email me at info@alexbarnettecounseling.com
