It may sound presumptuous for me, a therapist, to tell you why what great therapy looks like, but in addition to being a therapist, I also have my own therapist and have had to work through my own personal issues and create strategies for growth. This post is about what I’ve learned from my experience of being a therapy client, in addition to providing a safe space as a therapist.
A great therapist should listen
How to tell if they’re a good listener right off the bat?
First, you can tell right away who is doing the majority of the talking and whoever is talking more is listening less. Second, there are a few telltale signs that someone is paying attention to you: eye contact, facing towards you and tracking in a nondisruptive nonverbal or verbal way (ex. occasional nods or “ok…”). If this isn’t happening, you might not be sitting with a good listener. However, even if this is happening, it can still be hard to know how much the person is actually hearing.
Someone can pay attention to you without really listening, but they can’t listen without paying attention.
So if you’re not sure, check in with yourself to see how you feel. When you feel heard you likely feel more at ease, open and connected to the person you are talking to. When you feel unheard you might notice yourself getting defensive, tense or waiting for your turn to talk.
Additionally, part of good listening is learning how to get curious. A good therapist is always pushing herself (or himself) to get more curious and honor the client’s unique experience. If you feel labeled or boxed-in by your therapist, that therapist might not be listening enough.
Why listening is important and what that looks like
We don’t get it many other places, and listening facilitates connection! One of my favorite things about therapy is that it is one of the only times I can give (as the therapist) and receive (as the client) undivided attention. There are days when I cannot wait to sit down with a client so I can put my phone and computer aside for an hour, and most of my clients seem to feel similarly.
The structure of modern communication seems to break-down the reciprocity of it. Unfortunately, so much of our communication goes one-way. We send a text, we send an e-mail, we post on social media and there a plenty of times we don’t even get a response.
Rarely do you get to sit face-to-face with someone who is fully present, actively engaged in what you are saying and focused solely on helping you. A therapist isn’t going to change the subject out of boredom or discomfort, offer a solution before you’ve finished your sentence, interrupt you to tell a story about themselves or try to one-up you. The experience of someone truly listening to you is therapeutic. On top of that, a therapist can offer feedback not many other people would know to offer. You’ll also start connecting the dots on your own as you find your authentic voice (the one buried beneath social norms, self-criticism, and shame).
A great therapist models good listening to you (so you can utilize it in your relationships)
Listening is an often neglected part of communication. When couples come in asking me for communication skills, they are rarely asking for ways to listen better. Instead, they are usually seeking a way to speak more clearly so their partner will hear them. We all want to feel heard, but sometimes it’s hard to slow or calm ourselves down enough to listen.
As Stan Tatkin (founder of the PACT Institute–a psychobiological approach to therapy) says, we learn everything from the outside in; you learn how to do something by first having it done to you. As a therapist models good listening to you or coaches you through listening with your partner, you will start to develop and integrate a new way of connecting in your relationships.
A great therapist should listen…but not leave you hanging.
I’ve seen a number of individual clients that didn’t get much out of therapy with the stereotypical sit-back and analyze kind of therapist. I’ve also seen couples that didn’t feel like they got enough guidance in session and felt like they were floundering. Silence is a helpful tool when you need to take a step back to regroup or need space to process any thoughts or feelings coming up in the session. However, it should feel somewhat natural and you shouldn’t feel hung out to dry in those moments.
If I see a client is silent because he or she has no idea where to go (especially early in therapy), I see it as my job to help guide them. Additionally, if I see an individual is feeling their feelings but struggling with them, I want them to feel supported and contained.
As therapists, we want you to feel your feelings so we can explore them, understand them, and work through them. What we don’t want is for you to feel so sunk in them that you’re actually re-traumatized or traumatized.
Good therapy is when the therapist listens and allows you space to process while at the same time attuning to what you’re feeling so you don’t feel like you’re drowning in a session. Working through feelings means coming out on the other side with a new experience of emotions and new confidence that you can tolerate them.
Are there proper boundaries?
Yes, and they’re a big part of what allows the magic in therapy to happen. The therapist-client relationship is an extremely unique and, honestly, pretty strange relationship. It toes the line between professional and personal very delicately. Your therapist is not your friend or your family member, but therapy is not just a business transaction either. Hopefully, you’ll find that you connect with your therapist and hopefully there are times you feel very close to her (or him).
However, the closeness should come from the experience of being able to trust your therapist, feeling understood and cared for, and all of the vulnerability that entails. The closeness should not come from knowing all of the details of your therapist’s personal life, casually swapping stories, or talking to your therapist constantly. Proper boundaries protect both you and the therapist from developing an inappropriate relationship and allow you to connect in a way that is helpful to you. Because remember, the therapist is there for you.
Does it feel like the right fit?
A big part of the therapist/client relationship is subjective, and it can be very tough to know if your therapist is a good fit–especially if you’ve never been to therapy before. There are tons of different approaches to therapy, but the good news is you don’t have to educate yourself on all of them to find the right therapist.
You can, however, give some thought to what you want to experience in a session and what type of personality you tend to respond best to as you’re searching for a therapist. Most therapists are capable of helping a wider range of clients than they put on their bios, but if the bio doesn’t resonate with you at all, you’re probably not a match.
When looking for a couples therapist, I would suggest asking the therapist how much of their caseload is couples. There are a lot of therapists out there that will see couples, but you’ll want to choose someone that meets with couples regularly.
Does it feel right to you?
The first session is your chance to see how you feel working with your therapist. First sessions can be very stimulating so it might be a little harder to tune into how you feel–you might just feel anxious! Even so, you’ll be able to get a sense of how comfortable you feel around the therapist. If it’s a good match, you might still feel nervous but you will also feel supported and understood. Everyone begins therapy a little guarded, but if you find yourself struggling more than normal to open up, it might not be a good match.
Ideally, you’ll leave the first session more hopeful than when you came and you’ll feel have a sense of mastery knowing that you’ve started the work. If you are getting clear signals that it’s not a good match, listen to them!
If you’re not really sure, I’d suggest giving it a little more time and talking about this openly with your therapist. Like any relationship, the therapist-client relationship takes time to develop. It’s ok to be slow-to-warm, and change is a process.
If you are looking for more questions you can ask therapists to see if you are a good fit, you can also read this previous post I wrote Questions You Should Ask Your Therapist.
If you are interested in beginning therapy or would like to see if we are a good fit, please feel free to reach out to me via email at info@alexbarnettecounseling.com.
