Couples CounselingDivorce CounselingHealthIndividual CounselingLifeMarriageTherapy in AustinTherapy in Austin TXTXUncategorizedThings Consider To Make it Through Your First Year of Marriage

Each of these could be broken out into their own post, but I want to hit the high-level concepts that make the first year of marriage work. As with anything I write, my perspective is shaped by my experience with clients, training and my personal experiences. Every relationship is unique, which is why therapy is so important in creating an understanding of what works for your relationship specifically. However, I’ve been surprised to find that the first year of marriage seems to affect many couples similarly, regardless of how long they have been together prior to marriage.

The time leading up to the wedding can be a whirlwind filled with many emotions–excitement, stress, joy, anticipation. Depending on how many events you plan leading up to the wedding, you might be more surrounded by friends and family than you usually are. Getting married gives you an excuse to celebrate and spend time with the people closest to you. 

Then it all comes to a screeching halt once the wedding (or honeymoon) is over. I distinctly remember the moment the last of our family members left Austin after our wedding. My husband and I basked in the outpouring of love from friends and family all weekend, and we both experienced a sinking feeling as we waved goodbye. I don’t know which of us actually said it first, but I remember looking at each other as if to say, “Now what?”

What does the first year of marriage look like?

The first year of marriage is a year of transition, potentially for your families too. One of the biggest changes is that you and your partner become each other’s first go-to. When your car is at the shop and you don’t understand the mechanic, you no longer call your dad. You call your spouse. When you’re trying to make a big financial decision, you no longer call your mom or dad. You call your spouse.

You and your partner will begin to form a boundary around your relationship and your marriage starts coming first. This can create some separation anxiety between yourself and your parents as both of you adjust to the new structure of the family. This can also cause some friction between you and your spouse as you start relying on each other for things you might not have prior to getting married.

In short, you and your partner become a family and–as you might guess–there are a lot of obligations that come with being a family. Not to mention, being family members is an intimacy-killer!

What are some pitfalls I can expect or that might sneak up on me? How do I handle them?

A few pitfalls I see that sneak up on couples in the first year of marriage are expectations, tolerance, and intimacy.

Expectations

Did you discuss kids before marriage? Depending on age, some couples are surprised at how eager one partner is to have kids after they get married. Did you discuss loose timelines of all your hopes and dreams? Some couples expect to be in a house by the time they get married, but that’s not always realistic financially. Which of course brings me to a big pitfall–finances. What are your expectations for how you are going to share finances? Overall, how do you expect your relationship to change now that you are married? At this point, I’m not convinced that the relationship staying the same is an option. Certain changes seem to come with the territory of getting married. However, if you want as little to change as possible, you might need to vocalize that. Each person’s vision of married life is slightly different.

Tolerance

Now that you’ve agreed to spend the rest of your lives together, it makes sense that you want to be on the same page. Hopefully, you’ve discussed your values prior to getting married, but even if you have, differences that didn’t seem like a big deal before can begin to feel very significant. Couples really struggle to trust me on this, but–believe it or not–you and your partner do not have to be on the same page to make your marriage work. When it comes to who you are as people, you have to learn how to tolerate your differences. When it comes to how you want to live your life and what kind of marriage you want to have, you have to learn how to compromise.

Intimacy

When couples get married, they become family members. It can be very challenging to make space for the two opposing domains of your relationship–love and desire. In general, women are highly sexualized, but there’s something less sexual about a woman being a wife. The wife title tends to be associated with roles like motherhood, responsibility, and nurturance. Sex, not so much. Here is a previous post I wrote about passion in longterm relationships that goes into more detail about this topic.

What are some tools to make the first year of my marriage successful?

As you grow into your marriage, you and your partner will begin to have more joint responsibilities and will need to make more joint decisions. All of these responsibilities and decisions require communication. If you haven’t already, it’s a good idea to sit down and go through your monthly, weekly, and daily chores. Here is a previous post I wrote about household division of labor that might be helpful. I’d also suggest arranging for weekly business meetings to check in with each other about things like lawn care, finances, phone plans, etc. It’s easy to slide into certain roles including the responsible one, the initiator, the provider, etc. but it’s better to decide which roles you want to fill.

You’ll also want to clarify expectations, increase your tolerance for differences, and be mindful of facilitating intimacy. Easy, right? If these suggestions feel overwhelming, know that it gets easier with time and practice.  These are also all topics that can be discussed in therapy.

Is your family on board with your marriage? How to elicit their support and what to do if they aren’t on board…

Ultimately, who you marry is not going to affect anyone as much as it affects you. Bonds can strengthen in the face of adversity so it’s possible your marriage will be better for it. However, I encourage thinking long and hard about your family’s reasons for not supporting your marriage before you proclaim, “It’s us against the world” with your partner. Family members and friends can see things you don’t. If it’s unlike your family to take a stance against your relationships, this might be a red flag.

A good indication that your relationship is on the up-and-up is that you can say with certainty that your relationship is mutual–that you treat each other with respect and both have each other’s best interest at heart.

If this is the case and your family’s lack of support has nothing to do with your relationship or if you need additional support, I would suggest getting involved in another form of community. Some couples find community through a church, some find it with other non-religious groups and support groups, and some find it with co-workers and friends. Maintaining a connection to people and communities that support your relationship is really important in maintaining a sense of belonging. Try not to isolate yourselves!

Tips for talking about finances with your new spouse

First, I’d recommend some individual reflection to explore your values and any discomfort about talking about finances. Then, you can get clear on what boundary feels appropriate to you. Without clear financial boundaries, you might find yourself feeling resentful that you are sharing more of your income than you think you should or feeling guilty that you aren’t sharing enough. Sort through how much financial independence you need in your marriage and how much is going to benefit the relationship.

Then discuss this with your partner and keep an ongoing dialogue with him/her. Almost everything you and your partner do together is going to cost money. If you’re spending money together, you probably need to talk about money. You might find it helpful to consistently check in with each other about your current arrangement.

Once you reach the point in your relationship that your finances are shared, I encourage transparency and accountability (barring any suspected control or abuse). I always recommend couples agree on a time to meet monthly, if not weekly, to talk numbers. This should not be a topic that only comes up in the heat of an argument. Whether your accounts are separate or joint, you should hold yourself accountable to the relationship and you should both know where your money is going.

I wrote more on this topic in a previous post about how to manage finances as a couple.

Tips for talking about anything with your new spouse

The 5 steps of effective communication as listed in the book Attached are:

1. Wear your heart on your sleeve
2. Focus on your needs
3. Be specific
4. Don’t blame
5. Be assertive and non-apologetic

As I explain in a previous post about how to ask for what you need, these five steps are not easy to execute! There are very valid reasons you might not feel comfortable being direct with your partner. As the communicator or requester, your job is to be brave and direct. Your partner’s job is to be approachable and responsive.

When couples initiate therapy to improve communication skills, they are usually looking for guidance on what to say. What’s less obvious is that the main barrier to better communication is usually emotional safety. In order to have open and direct communication in your marriage, you both have to feel safe expressing your needs. You also have to make an effort to listen to and understand each other. This is the majority of what we do in couples therapy.

Why meet with a marriage counselor in the first year of marriage?

I know it can be intimidating to begin therapy in the first year of marriage. You might feel embarrassed or think you just need to give the relationship time. Time as a tool is only as effective as you make it, and marriage is hard! It’s ok to need help with this transition.

Introducing marriage counseling before there is a major problem will put a solid framework in place so that you and your partner are prepared for issues as they arise. For a marriage to work, you have to be able to have hard conversations and tolerate the difficult emotions that might come up during them. This is exactly what therapy is–a place to practice having hard conversations without getting stuck at an impasse and a place to learn how to repair conflict.

If you are struggling with adjusting to marriage or trying to decide if you and your partner are ready for marriage, therapy is extremely helpful. If you have any questions or would like more information, please feel free to email me at info@alexbarnettecounseling.com.