Couples CounselingDivorce CounselingHealthIndividual CounselingLifeMarriageTherapy in AustinTherapy in Austin TXTXUncategorizedOvercoming a bruised ego after a breakup - Alex Barnette Counseling

When going through a breakup, there are times you just want to hide. You don’t want to go to the places that remind you of your ex, you don’t want to be around the people that are going to ask you about your ex, and you sure as hell don’t want to risk running into your ex if there is even a remote possibility you’re looking any less than fabulous.

Fortunately, most people no longer have their relationship status listed on Facebook, making any breakup a public announcement. Even so, it can feel like you have “recently divorced” or “recently dumped” plastered on your forehead when you walk into work, go to your usual hangout spots, or spend time with your family.

Your brain says yes, but your ego says no.

Cognitively, most of us can agree there are worse things than looking foolish in front of your peers or your ex. Your ego, however, tells a different story.

When I ask clients what they most fear that people will see, a common theme is not wanting to look foolish and naive. It’s expected that you’re going to feel sad after a breakup, which makes it easier to accept those feelings. Being sad is vulnerable, but somehow less vulnerable because it’s known to come with the territory.

But looking foolish? Oh no. Your ego is not about that.

Your ego wants people to see that you are a strong, independent, unflappable, unshakable individual and–if nothing else–you want people to see that you are fine. You are so fine that you are going to go to all of your usual places and if anyone’s taking pictures you will be in those pictures smiling ear to ear. Then at the end of a miserable night, which you forced yourself to fake your way through, you might find yourself asking:

Why do I care so much about what other people think?

If you were looking at this from a place of self-criticism/judgment you’d probably respond with something along the lines of “because I’m shallow” or “because I have low self-worth”. In therapy, you learn how to look at this from a place of self-compassion. A compassionate and probably more honest response is that you are trying to protect yourself. You don’t want to feel weak and you don’t want to feel rejected any more than you already do.

How can I feel more confident about myself?

When we feel rejected what we need most is to feel accepted, but to feel accepted we have to allow ourselves to really be seen. It won’t matter that your friends and family believe that you’re fine if you know that you’re not. If your ego has the mic, try handing it over to the part of you that’s in pain.

Whenever you find yourself filling in the blanks of what people might think about you, ask yourself, “Do I think that about me?” and notice your body’s response. Chances are you are interpreting messages based on your current experience.

Breakups are a painful and vulnerable transition. Remind yourself that being vulnerable does not mean you are weak. Being vulnerable means you are human. The only humans that don’t experience vulnerability are those that also have no capacity for empathy, and you can’t connect without empathy. It’s ok to be vulnerable.

Confidence comes from accepting all parts of who you are, even the ones your ex didn’t. Looking like a fool won’t feel nearly as painful or threatening when you know for yourself that you are not one. You might even develop a sense of humor about yourself. When you experience (not just know) that you can be your genuine self without disconnecting from yourself and the people around you, you begin to feel more self-assured. 

If you need help starting this process of self-compassion and self-acceptance please feel free to reach out to me at info@alexbarnettecounseling.com.