Well, this is a pretty loaded question. Couples counseling absolutely can and does work. However, success in therapy might look different than what couples initially expect. Having success in couples therapy doesn’t mean that you and your partner will live happily ever after and never fight again, but it can mean that you are more equipped to handle problems as they arise. When you feel confident and secure in your relationship, your experience of the relationship changes. In this article, I hope to answer some common questions about couples therapy and paint a realistic picture of what to expect. Keep in mind that every couple is different, so therapy is going to look a little different for everyone.
Why does couples counseling feel scary?
Counseling, in general, can feel very scary. People tend to initiate counseling out of necessity, not because they love the thought of going to therapy. When people initiate individual counseling it’s usually because they believe they are the problem. Whether it’s true or not, individuals come in with a lifelong story of “I’m too sensitive”, “I’m too much for other people”, or “I’m crazy”. These individuals are terrified a therapist is going to listen a few minutes and say, “Yep, you’re right. You are crazy, and this is bad.”
Fear of being the problem and fear of being judged
With couples, there is more room for debate about who the crazy one is and where the problem lives. Sometimes a couple has what is termed an “identified patient” meaning they’ve already established who’s to blame for their relationship issues (true or not). Regardless of what partners outwardly express to each other, I think all partners secretly worry that they are the problem. So instead of just feeling guarded with the therapist, there’s an added challenge of feeling guarded with each other. All of this is a long-winded way of saying that in couples therapy there are more perceptions to fear. Fortunately, the problem is never just inside one person. The problem is also what’s happening between both of you that is keeping you stuck.
Here are some other common fears couples often express about coming to therapy:
Fear of no return
“I’m worried I won’t be able to unsee what we discover in here”
“I’m afraid we can’t go back to the way things were”
Fear of divorce or fear of therapy failure
“I’m worried you’re going to tell us we should get divorced”
“I fear we/the relationship/this problem can’t be fixed”
Fear of what happens when you leave the session
“I’m worried he or she is going to be mad at me”
“I’m afraid we’re going to fight after this”
Fear of intimacy
“I’m afraid I’m going to get hurt”
“I’m nervous I’m going to be disappointed”
“I’m afraid I’ll scare you away”
Many of these fears are unconscious, so step one is making them conscious. If any of these resonated with you then hey, you’ve already accomplished step one! There are probably some very good reasons you have these fears and there was probably a time that accommodating to them served you. However, when you reach an impasse, operating from fear and defensiveness can keep your relationship stuck. All of these fears can be addressed with your therapist and, fortunately, fearless and brave are not the same thing. You don’t have to be fearless to get the help you need. You just have to be brave.
In what ways is couples counseling healthy?
There are many different ideas people have about the purpose of therapy. Many couples use therapy as a last resort, but it doesn’t have to be. There are a lot of ways that couples counseling can be used to support your individual and relational health:
Clarity about the next step
When you hit a crossroads in your relationship, therapy is a great place to explore how you would like to move forward. For couples that considering divorce or breaking up, discernment therapy might be the best starting point. Discernment therapy differs from couples therapy in that the goal is to create clarity and an understanding of the relationship up until this point, and not on processing and changing the relationship as in couples therapy. From there, you can decide if you want to proceed to couples therapy or not. This option can feel less intimidating to individuals very skeptical of therapy.
Getting unstuck
Stan Tatkin says all couples experience the common relational issues of money, sex, mess, kids, and time. John Gottman says that with any partner you choose, you are choosing a set of perpetual problems (problems that cannot be solved). In fact, The Gottman Institute shows that about 69% of marital conflict is about perpetual issues. This might sound discouraging, but what this actually means is that you don’t have to solve all of your problems to make your marriage work (hurray!). Instead, you need to learn how to disagree! If your frustration grows every time you fail to reach a resolution, you are going to start chipping away at the emotional bank account that makes your marriage thrive. Even without a solution, couples can feel better about their marriage when partners understand each other and feel heard.
Damage control
When a major life event happens (expected or not), you can safely assume it’s going to affect your marriage in some way. Events and transitions like having a baby, losing a parent, miscarriage, health issues, job loss, etc. can really take a toll on you. If one or both partners are caught up in their own shame, connecting can feel impossible. It’s important to keep the external stressors external so they do not come between you and your partner. When external stressors start to feel like more than your relationship can sustain, therapy can be a much-needed container.
Relationship maintenance
Many of us are well-versed in identifying personal goals and tracking progress towards those goals on a regular basis. We should be just as intentional about our relationships. Therapy can be a proactive decision! Couples can utilize therapy as a place to prepare for an upcoming transition (moving in together, getting married, having a baby) and to check in on how the relationship is doing. Heck, even the Obamas have gone to marriage counseling. Your relationship does not have to be in shambles for you to need help.
How could couples counseling go wrong and how do you safeguard against that?
I find it hard to think of a time that couples counseling went wrong in the sense of therapy being a waste. Although, I do think couples counseling can and often does go in a different direction than expected. What couples come into therapy with is rarely what we end up spending most of our time discussing. This is usually because couples come in with a surface-level symptom and we have to dig a little deeper to get to the real issue.
That being said–if one partner is planning to just show up and check out during sessions–then yes, therapy could go very wrong for that person. When one partner is overly invested in the other person producing all of the change, he or she doesn’t get much out of therapy. You get what you give. Couples counseling requires both partners to take an active stance in therapy. Again, the target is not only what’s happening within you but also what’s happening between both of you that is keeping you stuck. The goal of couples therapy is not to change the other person, it’s to change the relationship. This usually means both partners have to do something differently.
Why is it important to show up authentically and how can therapy help with that?
Showing up authentically is 90% of the work if not more. I empathize with clients who come in guarded and lean on their defenses. There’s a reason those defenses came to be in the first place! I’m going to assume that you are showing up as authentically as you can and together we can create a space that feels safe enough for you to be more vulnerable over time. Developing trust is a process. Throughout the process, you will hopefully feel more comfortable bringing all parts of yourself into the room. Then the more you can practice authenticity in therapy, the easier it will be outside of therapy.
What are some benefits I can expect from couples counseling?
For couples thinking about divorce or breaking up, the benefits are clarity and confidence in your next steps. For highly committed but stuck couples, the primary benefits are connection and security in the relationship. So I’ve explained what couples therapy, in general, can offer you and your relationship. The rest is unique to you! I’m often pleasantly surprised by what couples take and don’t take from therapy. Therapy is most effective when sessions are a collaboration between the couple and the therapist. My job is to meet you where you are at and together we can figure out what your goals are and how to track progress towards those goals. Relationships are hard, but they are not impossible. There is hope for the future of your relationship! You just might need some help finding it.
