Knowing if you should stay or leave your relationship is no easy task. There are so many conflicting messages out there about what a relationship can and should offer. Plus, the initial attraction and forming of a relationship is largely an emotional experience. The longer you are in the relationship, the more complex the decision becomes. My hope is to provide you with a few of the fundamental elements of a “good” relationship to help you assess where you’re at in your relationship and what the next step looks like for you.
What does a “good” relationship look and feel like?
Giving an objective definition of a good relationship is challenging because every relationship is unique and no relationship is perfect. With any relationship, you are choosing a certain set of perpetual issues, which means the concerns you have at the beginning are likely to be the same concerns you have 5, 10, 15 years down the line. However, I believe there a few non-negotiables when it comes to the foundation of a relationship. All of these elements are necessary, but not necessarily sufficient–meaning there are additional elements (like shared values and dreams) that contribute to a positive relationship but won’t be described in detail here. So let’s just call this a launchpad for a solid relationship.
Mutuality.
My definition of mutuality is a shared experience of respect and appreciation for one another and the relationship. Put simply, there’s a shared sense of “we’re in this together”. One way of looking at this is Stan Tatkin’s idea that, in a marriage, both individuals are serving a third entity–the relationship. So instead of “you” before “me” it’s more of a “we” before “me”. To do this, both partners must continually adapt to the relationship’s needs. This also requires a certain level of honesty and respect. As Harville Hendrix states,
“When you make your relationship primary and your needs secondary, you produce the paradoxical effect of getting your needs met in ways they can never be met if you make them primary”.
What does this look like? Sometimes this equates to a reciprocal exchange (I buy the groceries, you cook dinner) and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes one partner carries the team. Whether it’s finances, attention, effort, etc. both partners are never going to contribute exactly the same amount to the relationship because it’s not entirely possible; at least not every day. What’s more important is that you both experience that you have each other’s best interest at heart.
Intimacy.
John Howard, a therapist and relationship educator in Austin, outlines three types of intimacy: romantic, emotional, and vulnerability.
What does this look like? Typically when people think about intimacy they think about sex. This type of intimacy usually refers to romantic intimacy–intimacy based on desire, attractiveness, and physical touch.
In working with couples, I expand intimacy to include emotional connection. Emotional intimacy can best be thought of as a deep friendship. To me, the foundation of emotional intimacy is the ability to bring your full self into the relationship and allow your partner to do the same. The other piece of emotional intimacy is talking about your feelings. Emotional intimacy requires a certain level of vulnerability.
We connect through vulnerability (emotional exposure). Intimacy through vulnerability should be a gradual process with each person revealing a little bit more about his or herself. The more both of you can allow yourselves to be seen, the safer the relationship will feel to you.
The confusing part is that emotional intimacy does not always lead to romantic intimacy and vice versa. Esther Perel explains that desire is driven by novelty and excitement while love is driven by familiarity and safety. I often see a preference for romantic intimacy by one partner and a preference for emotional intimacy in the other. Partners usually agree that intimacy/connection is a core need in the relationship, but they might have different avenues of getting this need met.
Trust and commitment.
Trust and commitment form when there is consistency and cohesion in what your partner says, does, and your internal experience of them. Trust and commitment are a gradual and deliberate process.
The foundation– At the beginning of an intimate relationship, trust and commitment should be earned. Since infatuation clouds judgment, boundaries are really important in the early stages of a relationship. Years, sometimes decades, down the line when I help couples assess and rebuild trust and commitment in their relationship, the conversation traces back to the early stages of the relationship. One sign of a foundation of trust is that transparency is available but unnecessary.
Daily maintenance– Trust forms daily and in small moments. In some ways, trust is always a risk because we can never really know what our partner is doing every minute of the day (nor should we try to know). Trust doesn’t form with words alone and it doesn’t form instantly with a grand gesture like an engagement ring. Trust and commitment should be evident every day.
Attunement- to yourself and your partner. In every relationship, there are countless opportunities to answer the questions “Are you there for me?” Every time the perceived answer is “yes” the security in the relationship strengthens. Additionally, we have to trust our own judgment. If you don’t trust your level of commitment in the relationship or your ability to select a trustworthy partner, you might not ever trust your partner.
What does this look like? You feel comfortable putting your partner as your emergency contact. You are comfortable directly making a request. You can somewhat predict how your partner will respond in different situations. You feel secure about your partner’s commitment to you even if you don’t know where he or she is. If for some reason you do feel insecure, you can ask for reassurance without your partner getting defensive. You know where you stand with your partner. You can both openly express your feelings. You can count on your partner when you need them. When your partner messes up, you feel comfortable giving him or her the benefit of the doubt.
Interdependence
The prefix “inter” means mutually or reciprocally so interdependence entails a state of mutual influence. You are equally dependent on each other; my behaviors affect your outcomes and your behaviors affect my outcomes. In an interdependent relationship, each partner recognizes the other as a separate and unique individual. This is key to a long-term relationship’s survival because it ensures that each individual gets to be his or her true self while also creating enough closeness to sustain intimacy. The way I think of interdependence is two separate individuals (each with their own identity and a solid sense of self) coming together to create a joint relationship identity.
What does this look like? Mutual influence is not the same thing as agreeing. You don’t have to like all of the same things and you don’t have to be on the same page all of the time. You can have different wants and desires without it being a threat to the other person. There’s room in the relationship for both of you to think and feel autonomously. You can also depend on each other when needed.
Why is having a mental image for a good relationship important?
Your mental image for a good relationship can serve as your blueprint. Without a blueprint, how are you supposed to know what you are designing? You also need a way to measure your relationship’s health. Not everyone has experienced a relationship like the one I’ve described. If you are only basing your standards of a relationship off what is familiar to you, you’ll end up with the same relationship your parents have or the same type of relationship you’ve always had (ex. New partner, same story). We primarily learn about relationships through modeling, but it’s not the only way! The same way you envision your career or your lifestyle, you can envision your relationship.
What do I do if I don’t have this type of foundation in my relationship? Is breaking up the only option?
If after reading this you are feeling less confident in your relationship than when you started, know there is hope! Breaking up is not the only option, especially if you and your partner are both invested in improving your relationship. Couples therapy is a great way to create the change you want to see in your relationship. When you learn how to change your relationship in therapy, you learn how to change your relationship outside of therapy.
How do I broach the subject of “going to therapy” with my partner?
As with any request you make in your relationship, the approach and how you frame it are key. Here are a few tips I wrote in a previous blog post How to Speak So You are Heard.
If you know your partner falls in the avoidant arena, you’re probably already aware that he or she might shutdown or withdraw if you are too abrasive. Be aware that, despite therapists’ efforts to normalize the need for therapy, going to therapy can still carry a stigma for some. If you have any friends in therapy, you might reference them. I’ve had many clients refer to Kristen Bell and Dax Shephard as a way to support their decision to come to therapy.
No one likes to be told, “Sounds like you need to go to therapy”. That language is too pathologizing! Instead, try framing therapy as a relational need or even as your need. For example instead of leading with, “You don’t seem interested in me” you might try “I don’t feel like we’re connecting like we used to” or “We seem to be out of sync lately and I’m not sure why”.
Then you can introduce the idea of therapy in an equally direct but soft way. Instead of something confrontational like “We need to see a therapist and you’re going whether you like it or not” you could try “I’ve been wondering if we should see a therapist together, what would you think of that?” or “I think we should give therapy a shot. If you hate it we don’t have to go back” or even “Hey I read this blog, and it sounds like maybe we need to go therapy together. Would you be open to that?”
If you have already tried these approaches and gotten a hard “no”, know that you can still do relational work in individual therapy. This is also one of the reasons discernment therapy was created. Discernment therapy is a short-term approach to help you decide if you would like to work on the relationship and proceed to couples therapy or not. This is generally a less intimidating option for couples unsure about therapy.
Overall, therapy is a great place to develop your personal definition of a good relationship and reflect on how your current relationship/s compare.
Feel free to contact me directly, or learn more about the variety of therapy I offer at the links below:
