Can you relate to this? People generally seek counseling because they are either trying to accept change or create change—either something major has changed and they’re trying to cope or nothing has changed and something needs to. Both are equally challenging to navigate alone.
In my experience, the individual that initiates therapy is usually the one most invested in change. This is the customer. This person is usually most invested in creating change because he or she is the most uncomfortable with keeping things the same. Stan Tatkin says that the therapist has nothing unless the client has some distress. Can you agree with that? When it comes to creating change in relationships, many don’t care to change unless they absolutely have to.
If you are reading this post then you are likely the customer, so here’s what I want you to know to be of most service to you:
First, you hold a lot of power and are capable of doing hard work because you are the most highly motivated person in the system. The system I refer to is: the therapist, you, and your partner (if they feel relevant to your most pressing issues). However, the change we create in therapy might be different than what you initially expected.
As you go through this article you will understand what a therapist can and cannot offer you and/or your partner in therapy. I’ve done my best to address a few of the overarching questions people tend to come in with, and you are always welcome to reach out if you have additional questions.
“Why is creating change difficult?”
1. We have unrealistic expectations about how long it takes to change.
I try to be as transparent as possible about the therapeutic process. I always tell clients that the first few sessions are really just getting to know each other. I usually recommend coming in weekly for the first month, if not three months. I find that people tend to feel relief in the first few sessions just by getting things out in the open and making small adjustments. However, creating more permanent change requires deeper work and time. As Harriet Lerner says,
Relationship patterns change slowly, sometimes at a glacial pace. It’s the direction we’re moving that matters, not the speed of our travel.
When we think change is going to be quick and easy, our tolerance for discomfort is pretty low. We also tend to get pretty impatient. It’s important to reality check our expectations and remember that what we are feeling in any given moment won’t last forever. As you understand more about yourself and learn how to manage your emotions, therapy gets easier. This more expanded awareness of self is one of the major benefits of regular therapy.
2. There are stages of change and they aren’t always linear.
At some point you might have come across Prochaska and DiClemente’s stages of change model (if not, that’s okay—I’m going to explain them):
People come into therapy at various stages, but in my experience, the majority of couples and individuals come in during the contemplation phase. Take a look at where that shows up in the above chart.
The contemplation phase means we have quite a bit of reflecting (or contemplating) and preparation to do before people are ready to take action. You might also notice that, in the above model, action is not the endpoint. In fact, there is no endpoint. Maintenance is required and relapse (or setback) is a normative stage of change. Does that feel exhausting? It doesn’t have to!
Nietzsche says, “When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago”. We tend to discredit all of the progress we’ve made in therapy when we’re feeling low or find ourselves making the same mistakes. Progress doesn’t have to be linear. It might be more productive to think of progress and change as cyclical. We are dynamic and evolving beings that require continuous adjustments and maintenance. It may take many doses of the same change before it finally starts to become permanent. We have to learn how to celebrate each step. We can draw energy from the celebration of small wins. That is when this process begins to feel invigorating.
3. There are constraints to change and some of them are out of our control.
Do you ever feel like an island? That’s the work that we do at the interpersonal level stage of change. I help clients understand that we are not islands. Every individual is a part of a larger system. Depending on how you look at it, there’s a whole system that’s probably adapted to how each individual typically responds to external stimuli OR there was a system already in place that the individual adapted to. All of this to say that in a close relationship, our ways of interacting are very interconnected.
This makes change hard for two reasons. First, when one individual changes, he or she often faces pushback or resistance from other members of the system. Change is hard to create when the people around you don’t support the changes you are trying to make. For example, family members don’t always appreciate when you start enforcing boundaries. Or if you’ve been people-pleasing for a while, people might feel insulted when you stop. People won’t always give you permission to change, and that’s ok.
Ultimately, the permission you give yourself is going to be the most important.
Second—for a relationship to change, the other person has to adapt. It’s not enough for one person to do all of the heavy lifting. When one partner starts initiating positive change, the other person has to be willing to accept that change and potentially make complementary changes. If you know your partner is not going to accept or support the changes you want to make, changing can feel too risky. We all have to make sacrifices for relationships, but it’s important that we know our limits.
⇒ A positive relationship is one that fosters interdependence and mutuality.
Interdependence is the dependence of two or more people or things on each other. It’s about building trust and having a strong support system betwixt two parties.
Mutuality is the sharing of a feeling, action, or relationship between two or more parties.
Positive relationships are about strengthening these bonds of communication.
Once we’ve decided some change is necessary, then we have to confront our fears of creating that change. Sometimes that means confronting our fear of taking new action, other times we have a fear of even communicating that we have a desire for something to be different.
Change requires we step out into the unknown with a certain level of courage.
“What is so scary about the unknown?”
My experience has been that people are more afraid of their own internal response to the unknown than they are to whatever tangible challenges the unknown brings. In short, people aren’t sure they can handle it.
Is this making sense to you? Are you beginning to see how therapy can help you better handle the unknowns in your life? It’s difficult for me to fully encapsulate the fear of the unknown. Perhaps it’s helpful to give a few common responses that I hear when I ask this very question in session:
“What if I fail in my relationship?” or “What if our relationship fails?”
“What if he or she doesn’t love me anymore?” or “What if I don’t love him or her anymore?”
“What if we’re not meant to be together?” or “What if we were meant together?”
“What if I fall apart?” or “What if we fall apart?”
“What if it turns out I’m the problem?” or “What if I’m the bad guy?”
“What if I end up alone?”
“What if whatever I create is worse than what I’m experiencing now?”
“What if it’s not worth it?”
“What if we can’t fix this?”
“What if I regret this?”
We feel safe with what is familiar. We know what to expect. Even in an unhappy relationship, there’s a sense of safety in the predictability. Even for couples committed to staying together, partners fear changing the status quo. Essentially, all of these “what if’s” are our way of trying to grapple with a loss of control and a loss of defenses. We fear what we cannot control and predict, and the unknown makes us feel vulnerable.
“Why is change important?”
Change is important because it’s how we grow. We strengthen our ability to confront the unknown which in turn increases our confidence in ourselves and our relationships. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to accept and voice that what was once working no longer is. The longer we ignore this voice, the less we start to think of ourselves.
There is a cost to keeping things the same.
When we challenge ourselves to create necessary change, we strengthen our sense of self. When we shy away from change due to fear, we build resentment toward ourselves and the people around us.
“How can we better cope with change?”
The best way to cope with change is to increase our understanding of resistance and to create more acceptance of what is and is not in our control. The goal is to gain a deeper understanding of oneself and the people around us and to accept that each of us is only responsible for ourselves.
We put a ton of time and energy into trying to change things that are outside of our control. This ultimately leads to feeling defeated and disappointed in ourselves. Have you ever noticed that the more you focus on your partner’s shortcomings, the more irritated you get? Or that the more you worry about making someone else comfortable, the less comfortable you feel? Letting go of what’s outside of our control can be liberating and empowering.
There is a difference between acceptance and resignation. Resignation means giving up and saying “that’s just the way it is.” When clients are resigned to change, they tend to feel hopeless. When clients accept what they cannot change but focus on the parts they can change, they tend to feel optimistic. In therapy, we accept what we cannot change and focus on what we can.
“How do we start to embrace change?”
We can embrace change when we see the benefit. As I mentioned, not everyone is going to be on board with the changes you are trying to make. This means that you are going to have to know where you stand regardless of other people’s reactions. Additionally, not all change is going to feel good.
⇒ The story we tell ourselves about change influences how we feel about it.
When we view change as an opportunity for growth, we become more motivated. For example, some people hate confrontation. If you tell yourself that hard conversations are never worth the hassle, you probably won’t see the benefit in having them. If, on the other hand, you hate confrontation but see the value in having hard conversations, you will feel more motivated to stretch outside your comfort zone.
“How does therapy help us better manage change?”
There are many ways therapy helps us manage change that I’ve gone into more detail describing in other articles about therapy and throughout this website. One succinct way of outlining what we do in therapy is to say we identify the five Ws of the problem so we can collaborate on how to move forward:
Who am I and who is responsible for creating change?
What needs to change and what is holding me back from changing?
Where does the problem live–in my relationship, within me, or other external circumstances?
When will it be time to make a change and how will I know?
How did I get here and how do I get out of this? How do I cope with the discomfort along the way?
Overall, therapy helps us get clear on the change we want to make and how to make it. Perhaps most importantly, therapy helps us manage the uncomfortable emotions that tend to come up as we contemplate and implement change.
The more confident you feel in your ability to manage emotions, the more confident you will feel creating the change you desire. That’s the value that therapy will add to your life.
