Photo by Ken Treloar
“Why am I always responsible for _____?” As much as I hate to say it, there’s probably a lot of truth to the answer “because you’re good at it”.
Adulthood is filled with responsibilities so it makes sense to divide and conquer when we can. One way of doing this (often unknowingly) is to assign roles in relationships. Here’s the rub–most of us have made a career out of what we’re good at. For example if you’re in sales, you’re probably very outgoing and the one to provide a social circle. If you’re a nurse you’re probably the caregiver and the one to provide nurturance. You get the idea. Exercising the same muscles at work and at home gets tiring!
Shifting roles in a relationship is no easy task because the way we interact with our partners tends to operate outside our awareness.Patterns of interaction can be deeply entrenched. So when you decide you’re ready for a break or you’re feeling the effects of role fatigue, how do you create change?
1. Awareness–we can’t change something if we don’t know it exists. Identify your roles and needs. Know the cues of when you and your partner are nearing system overload.
2. Talk about it–not just once, but many many times. Negotiate and collaborate. It’s ok that what was once working isn’t working anymore. REQUEST (not demand) an adjustment. It’s not enough to say “I’m exhausted”. What do you need, and how can you make that a request to your partner? As far as your partner can see you’re doing what you’ve always done. What makes this a problem now? If you don’t know, it’s unlikely your partner will. That being said, it’s ok to own where you’re at. For example, you can say something like “I don’t know why this is suddenly so hard for me, but it is. Can you please help me?”
3. Patience–most of us get pretty comfortable in our roles, and that’s ok. Roles give us a sense of purpose and contribution in a relationship. Change does not occur over night.
Lastly, it’s helpful to keep in mind that relationships are dynamic. The more flexible we can be with our partners about roles as needs change, the better. Rigidity is a recipe for a million “you always” “you never” arguments that leave you right back where you started. Roles are only as permanent as you make them, but they’re unlikely to change without a conversation.
