Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash
In a longterm relationship, personalities tend to be similar and competing or opposite and complementary. There’s not a right a or wrong here, but my impression is that couples in the opposite category tend to think they’ve made a mistake. What was once exciting and romantic is now tiring and frustrating. Couples start to wonder if “maybe we’re just too different”. To be fair, I don’t think I’ve worked with a couple yet where the similarities seem to be the issue. More often, what we’re discussing is how to manage the differences.
First, let’s put things into perspective. When you and your partner are evaluating differences, you are comparing yourselves to ONE other person. Not an entire family, nor an entire population. Sure, you might seem more or less social compared to your partner, but what about compared to everyone else? If you have siblings, you’re probably familiar with how these comparisons work. One of you is always going to be more [fill in the blank] than the other. Context is important.
Another consideration–you are spending A LOT of time with each other. You know how often your partner eats, what temperature he or she likes the room at, how his or her energy fluctuates, etc. The level of detail you get to know your partner at is pretty impressive. With this small of a sample size and countless intricacies to compare, you have an abundance of opportunities to see how you and your partner are opposites and either should have never gotten together or will never work, if that’s the lens you choose to look through. If you’re willing to change lenses to see what you have in common, you might start to see that you are more alike than you think. You might also see that some of these differences are not that big of a deal. In other words, no one is going to clean the house exactly like you do.
So what are the differences that really count? Is it the little things like wanting to watch the same TV shows or is it the big things like being an introvert or being an extrovert? There are many different theories on this. My personal theory is that personality differences can be managed as long as your values align. Values tend to dictate our goals, our priorities, and how we spend our time. The bottom line, however, is that you get to choose. Every relationship is different and you get to decide what works for you.
Opposites can continue to attract under the right conditions.
Here’s how you can begin to use personality differences to your advantage:
1. Reframe your differences as an opportunity for growth. Different does not have to mean at odds. For example, my partner is an extrovert and much more adventurous than I am. I would gladly live in my bubble where things are always nice and cozy. Fortunately for both of us, I realize that there is a lot of value in getting outside of my comfort zone. When my partner pushes my limits I check in with myself to see if there’s an opportunity for growth for myself as an individual and for the relationship. We all need to get outside our comfort zone sometimes, and the relationship will benefit when you do.
2. Accept influence while maintaining boundaries. Relationships keep us accountable, and sometimes your partner can see things you don’t. Talk about your observations of each other while respecting each other’s limits. Going back to my example, my partner and I have both learned what my threshold for adventure is. I can only be pushed so far before I’m too far out of my comfort zone and that newfound sense of adventure turns into sheer resentment. It’s not pretty when this happens.
3. Maintain individuality. You do not have to do everything together. Maintaining a sense of self in the relationship is just as important as nurturing togetherness. Finding the balance between growing together and growing individually is a perpetual issue in any relationship. Personality differences is just one of the areas this tension loves to shine. It’s ok to live and let live sometimes.
3. Reciprocity. You only get what you give. While it is not helpful to keep a ledger, reciprocity is key. Relationships thrive when both partners are willing to accept each other’s influence and find ways to support each other’s growth. When one of you digs your heels in, it won’t be long before the other does too.
