Photo by Vivian Okubo on Unsplash
No matter how we approach our relationships, measuring safety and security in the relationship more or less boils down to the central question “Are you there for me?” What this translates to in reality is can I count on you?
In a long term relationship we are given a million opportunities to answer this question. The problem is, we don’t always realize when we’re being asked. Or worse, we fight over how to answer it. Couples typically agree on the importance of physically and emotionally “being there” in the “big moments” (when a family member dies, when one of you loses your job, when you receive unexpected bad news, etc.). When individuals recognize their partner is not reliable in these moments, the relationship dissolves pretty quickly (rightfully so).
While the big moments are an important part of the equation, I would argue that they are few and far between. They’re the Saturdays of your relationship. Without Saturdays we probably couldn’t get through Monday-Friday, but they are only 1 day. The day-to-day is about 90% of your relationship. Engaging with your partner 10% of the time and neglecting the relationship the rest of the time is simply not enough.
Generally where couples tend to struggle is identifying and agreeing on the less tangible moments that make up the emotional climate and the security of the relationship. Gottman calls these moments bids for connection. Some examples include obvious bids such as sending/responding to a text or asking/listening to how your partner’s day was, and more subtle bids such as eye contact, a kiss hello, a hug goodbye, or changing the toilet paper roll. You have no idea how many conversations I’ve had with couples about the lack of consideration involved in leaving small things in the house undone. These small moments or maybe even micro-moments are easily missed in the present but shape how we interact with our partner over time.
Consistently making an effort to connect and engage with your partner is the foundation of safety and security in the relationship.
A little acknowledgment goes a long way. It matters less what you say or do and more that you are physically and emotionally present. You are not responsible FOR your partner‘s feelings or for solving your partner’s problems, but you are responsible for being WITH your partner and being a witness to their pain and joy. If your view is that you are always there for your partner and they are saying otherwise, chances are you are either missing the bids for connection or you are feeling for instead of feeling with. The bottom line is that it really doesn’t matter if you think you’re there for your partner, it matters how he or she EXPERIENCES you in the relationship.
So after understanding what it means to “be there”, I’d encourage you to use this information to have a conversation with your partner. Here are some follow up questions to guide your conversation:
- Did you know I needed you? Are you aware of when I’m trying to connect with you?
- How is it for you when you see me in pain?
- When do you feel most connected to me?
- Does it feel like I’m there for you when you need me?
- What’s your take on how I normally respond to your requests?
As a rule of thumb, it’s best to stay away from questions starting with the word “why” as those generally invoke defensiveness. The more curious you can be the better. Neither of you have to say the right things, you just have to be there.
