There are three primary mistakes I see clients make when communicating anger:
- Speaking too soon. Anger is great at motivating us to take immediate action. Sometimes immediate action is necessary, but more often in relationships it’s better to pause first. It’s common to think “If I feel this way, I have to voice it now.” This thought generally prompts what Gottman refers to as a harsh start-up. Gottman’s work has shown that 96% of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first 3 minutes of an interaction. Slowww down. You don’t necessarily have to change what you were going to say and you definitely do not have to change how you feel, but pacing yourself in a conversation greatly reduces emotional reactivity.
- Attacking the other person’s character. It is very hard to hear what someone is saying when you feel criticized or attacked. In fact, it might be impossible. Criticism and judgment tend to invoke a fear response. When your heart rate gets above 96 beats per minute, you lose the capacity to think clearly. Once your body is in fight or flight all resources are aimed at protecting the self. Of course it can be very frustrating when one partner has a low distress tolerance, but unfortunately doing more of the same will not change this. The more you attack or criticize, the less your partner will hear.
- Saying too much. While there is value in explaining yourself, when you over-explain it is difficult for the other person to keep up and stay focused. Partners have a tendency to say the same thing in many different forms before the other person has a chance to respond. This can make the conversation confusing and often dilutes the original message. Keep it short. Partners also have a tendency to conjure up as much evidence as possible in attempt to drive a point home. Logically this makes sense, but emotionally your partner is bound to lose patience. Save the soliloquy. If your partner does not respond right away, it does not mean they disagree or do not understand. He or she might need time to process. Wait for your cue to continue.
Where to go from here? Here is a simplified list of guidelines to practice with the next time you need to express anger in a constructive way:
- Breathe.
- Eye contact. Not staring straight ahead in the car or in bed. It’s amazing what a little eye contact can do. Eye contact reminds us we are talking to a human and gives us cues on when to back off.
- Speak for yourself. “I think, I feel, I’ve noticed…” You are not the expert on anyone but yourself!
- Pause and listen. Resist the temptation to react to whatever your partner just said and instead get curious. If there’s something you don’t understand, ask.
- Repeat. Be a broken record if you need to. Give your partner a chance to process and ask for clarification on what they don’t understand.
- Sit with it. Give yourself time to decide where to go from there. If you’ve said what you needed to say and that’s all you needed, mission accomplished. You are not responsible for your partner’s understanding. If you decide a resolution is necessary or you want to connect more emotionally, revisit any curiosities and open a dialogue.
*All of these ideas were inspired by Harriet Lerner’s The Dance of Anger and The Gottman Institute.